>not enjoying the origins of our lord MAMMOTH

I smell heresy..

almost as good as Lord Bearington

>>20669633
Lord Bearington is obviously in the employ of the Emperor of Mam.

Why would the Emperor give a shit when an animal is staring at him? Did he execute every dog that happened to be facing in his direction too?

For that matter, while I assume the empire mentioned is a less than pleasant one given that usually someone other than soldiers would try and defend the social order (read; everyone courageous enough who benefits the social order or believes in it), but why would they raise the Mammoth to rule rather than worshiping it or something? I mean, isn't it clearly an animal?

>>20669653
Questioning Lord Mammoth!?!

>>20669653

OP made the entire story up.

But yeah. I imagine they would crown MAMMOTH as the new 'emperor' to show that they don't want one any more. However, stuff still needs to get done to keep the city running. They would probably form a council of the most influential people in the city.

God Damnit you say? I've got something that fits that criteria.

My tale starts two weeks ago at the local gaming store. I had been playing in a Pathfinder game that ran its course and died naturally. At the end of the last session, after the people I didn't like left, I piped up with “Say chaps, how's about we start up a group? ” This was met with enthusiastic assent and we agreed to meet the next Thursday at my house for character creation and the first session.

Things went off without a hitch, I have nothing to report about the game itself. I'm not the greatest GM, but everyone seemed to have fun. One guy stayed behind as the others left, “Hey Anon, mind if I wait for my ride here? It'll be about an hour.” “Yeah, sure.” I start doing dishes (We played through dinner, so I fed everyone) and he tells me a bit about himself. He seems cool enough.

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom Anon?” ”Sure, last door on the left.”
He's in there for about 15 minutes. I hear some banging and clanking going on down there, but I think to myself, “He's got work boots and a belt, noises are to be expected.”

Knowing what I know now, when I remember that banging, I hear screams of children and gnashing of teeth. A crackle of flame comes to my ears.

>>20669681
> implying bearington wasn't made up.

File: 1347261431158.jpg-(Spoiler Image, 72 KB, 500x348)

>>20669742

I never said it wasn't. Lord Bearington is just a retelling of the Chicken Boo gag from Animaniacs.

>>20669739
He flushes about 6 times overall. When he comes out, he says ”Sorry, I couldn't get your toilet to flush.” “Yeah, sometimes the chain stretches. Did everything eventually go down?” “Yup.” He's completely poker faced when answering me, not a flicker of recognition of any wrong-doing.

So we talk a bit more, and eventually his ride pulls up. “Anon, I had a lot of fun tonight. I may not be able to make next week's game, though.” “Oh, OK.” and he leaves. I see the partly open bathroom door, and can hear that he didn't turn on the fan. Holding my breath, I walk over and stick my hand in the crack to turn it on. I accidentally get the light too, so I stick my head in to turn it off.

That is when I am greeted with the mess he left.

>>20669782

pics or it didn't happen

>>20669782
That guy fired a shit shotgun in my bathroom. We're talking walls, floor, side of the tub, behind the tank of the fucking toilet. This was not spray or streaks, he was more of a savant than that. This was... leafy. It's like he shat a box of legos. I shout something incoherent, frozen in what I can only call shock.

I guess this is how I find out that I'm a pussy, because I failed my SAN check and ran out of the house.

I've not seen him again, none of my players knew much about him, the FLGS owner hasn't seen him.

He was friendly and like a decent human being on the outside, but just below the surface was a pack of wolves tearing each other apart in a demoniac blood-orgy. I almost want to think that half of the time he was in there, he wasn't trying to clean it. Instead, he was psyching himself up to kill me if I noticed.

Alternatively, he was an avatar of Nyarolethotep, who has retreated to the caverns at the center of the world, but he may take up that mask again someday to shit apart another's trust in humanity.

>>20669739
>We played through dinner, so I fed everyone
Are you a girl?

>>20669830
Nope, just a good host.

>>20669830
Hospitality motherfucker, do you speak it?

Nah, but seriously. Both of the gaming groups I've been seriously involved in IRL have done similar things, either ordering pizza or having everyone help bring things for or make dinner.

>>20669813
He was replaced with a sewer doppelganger. The noises your heard were the fight and the doppelganger consuming his remains. The splattering was from the struggle.

>>20669835
That's close, right?

>>20669842
Mine too, but ordering or bringing dinner is one thing, "feeding everyone" is another.

File: 1347262256043.jpg-(87 KB, 500x276, SpiritedAwayStink1[1].jpg)

>>20669844

>>20669844
You don't know how glad I am to hear that.

I now choose to believe this.

>>20669856
I made steaks, what can I say, I like to grill.

Not tha much of a amazing story but, currently i'm playing a centaur monk/drunken master member of a circus (he's the trapecist/aerealist) and i love the guy...also is a plus when my DM is like:
>Me "ok, i roll tumble to pass through all these guys"
>DM "How?...srly How? you're a fucking horse!!"
>Me "Ok, i climb the rope"
>DM "...srly...i hate you"
The same with balance, move silentry, etc...shame with tha -4 in hide.

>>20669891
Last time I cooked for a group I made home made Pork Pies,Potatoes Au Gratin, Rosemary bread Strawberry Cobbler, and Vanilla Icecream. Every time I cook my group is always astonished that a neck beard like myself can cook.


I am not sure why I posted this.

>>20669912
You sound like That Guy.

>>20669912
Couldn't you just roll sideways?

>>20669912
An intoxicated centaur attempting to climb a tight rope. I can not see that ending well.

I'm not sure I have a good God Damnit story. I have a funny one from my last session and a funny one (to us anyways) from the first session. Not very long ones though.

>>20669940
we all are playing strange characters. A gnome barbarian/berserker (the strong man in the circus), human bard/paladin (the ringmaster), etc. I asked first "guys, would be ok if i play a centaur?", DM said "well, if you like being LA+2 plus 4 racial dies...", the thing is he can't fucking stand when something goes against his logic.
If tells me to change the character i would do isntantly...

>Playing 4e game
>Damn wizard keeps murdering people for little to no reason
>Ranger actually keeping count of people he offs outside of combat
>Stops for a while
>Eventually say "Hey, you haven't murdered anyone in a while"
>He realizes this
>Session goes on, terrorists messing around in the capital city!
>Capture one in a back alley, preparing to interrogate
>"I stab him in the throat"
>GOD DAMMIT CRAIG!

Our DM barely missed a beat, deciding that bombs exploded at the palace shortly after, and we had to fight the slimes it spawned, but still. He killed someone because he hadn't in a while.

>>20669633
The main difference being that Bearington is a possibility within the system, while OP's story is basically a Monty Python Sketch.

>>20669739
>>20669782
>>20669813
That's rough buddy
>>20669965
Post'em! I ain't got anywhere better to be.

>>20669980
YOU GOTTA STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

YOUR STRANGE, REALITY DEFYING, HORSEY GUNS!

>>20669940
Probably, i like to play weird things, but i ask first.

Also i try to being useful
>Inb4 monks are shit

>>20669982
I mean, he'll murder about anyone if he can get away with it. This was just our last session:
>DM: You see an old man in a hot air balloon floating toward--
>WIIIZZZARD!: Magic Missile.
>DM: WHELP. There goes your exposition.

>>20669991
Alright. All 4e, and not long ones but;

Recently, our party of four has fled their homeland because of a coup done by a branch of the military to take total control. During the escape, we came across what I can sum up as Berserker from FS/N. However, we were fortunate in that we were in a tunnel that looked out over a cliff, and we managed to trick him into falling over the edge of the cliff and around 40+ feet. He ends up breaking his back when he hits the water and sinks to the bottom.

Now, being the thorough group we are, we decide to send me down to break his neck (being a Shardmind and unable to drown) to ensure he never comes back. So I proceed to tie our party's rope together and proceed to spider-man my way down to the rough waters and take a dip. I then swim on over to the guy's corpse and proceed to break his neck.

As our Fighter/Defender summed it up; 'So we just knocked a guy off a cliff, watch him break his back. And then go in after him to break his neck. We also took his weapon.'

Another one coming next.

>>20670037
It sounds like he's doing his best to turn murderhoboing in an extreme sport.

>>20670037
>YEAH! FUCK THE RAILROAD!

>>20670038
This one isn't as long;

So, so first session we're solving a murder mystery as part of a sidequest. At one point while inspecting the corpse, we notice a peculiar stain on the sleeve of the dead husband, who had died from poison.

Our Fighter, in his infinite wisdom, decides to lick it. Turns out, it was poison. So here we are, in front of the suspects trying to save a Dragonborn who figured it was okay to lick things he didn't know.

Oh, and when we did find/figure out the murderer (it was the wife,) our party face had courteously asked our possibly mentally handicapped dragonborn into dealing with her. What followed can only be described as thus;

'I grab her and throw her to the ground. I then draw my hammer and bring it down on her face.'
...
These seem funnier when slightly inebriated.

>>20670046
The worst part? He's not even winning. That's our ranger's domain. Yeah, the one keeping track of Mr. Knife-neck's unnecessary killings? He butchered a mercenary archer we caught in THE FIRST SESSION. After he totally told us everything he knew! Cut off his fore and middle fingers because the guy had shot at him. It took us a minute to explain he had ruined this guy's life. So he shot him. Later we fought some other random guys who had been illusioned or charmed or something into thinking we were orc raiders. One shot him. Once. So after they were tied up, he dragged this hobbit out, and, through skill checks and attack rolls I can't even remember, threw him over his friends and shot him, so his blood rained down on their bodies. Then used a nature check to make a proper wolf call to lure in any wolves.
>"Guess you guys better get running."
THEY WERE TIED UP YOU BASTARD!

>>20670053
> Exposition
> Railroad

You must be new here.

File: 1347264218841.png-(83 KB, 218x259, STOP IT NOW.png)

>>20670090
Pic related.

>>20670106
That's me every session, man. From the wizard testing his hand grenades on villagers to the ranger constantly cock-blocking our assassin, to rapebot, I just want to lock them in a room and set it on fire.

i cant even play a game with my friends without it turning into a goblin sex slave trafficker game

>>20670125
Stop bragging about your awesome friends.

>>20669763

Dude, that's an amazing cowboy pic.

>>20670124
Okay, here's the deal. You have to send a message that enough is enough and that this shit will fly no longer. Pick your favorite, and somehow incapacitate them. Poison, trickery, ropes, whatever, just make sure they can't wiggle out of the killing blow. Cut them up, a little bit a time. Shave off each hit point with a rusty iron dagger and make it clear how this is going to end. When you're ready, get the attention of the rest of your party and saw of the head of your victim right in front of your eyes.

And now that you have become one of them, you can end them.

>>20670103
Have you learned nothing from this thread?
Any attempt a DM makes at establishing a coherent narrative should be met with full force murderfuckery.

Also, shitting behind people's toilets is sort of funny.

>>20670148
But I'm the good guy! P-Pelor!

>>20670166
Good doesn't always mean nice. Remember the man in the balloon. You do this not out of revenge or hatred but as a service to the rest of the world.

Think of it as pruning the world tree.

>>20670188
Good people don't carve their friends up and then kill them to prove a point, that's what the rest of my party would do. I just have to keep trying to redeem them. Or push them off this new airship. I'm kind of liking the idea of pushing them off this airship.

But if I kill them, who will help me save (what's left of) the world?

I gave my DM a lot of God Dammit moments. It's shockingly simple to do when you play a Barbarian who knows in his heart of hearts that the only true path lies with punching problems out of existence.

Bastard got creative on me though. In true PC fashion we are attempting an end-around on the DM, going for some wood to build a boat to skirt around this hostile nation (later discovered to be run by elves from the Feywild who wanted to use it as an invasion staging point) that is blocking our path. In true DM fashion, he tries to prevent us from doing so.

>"I punch the tree in anger because my axe won't chop through the son of a bitch." Rolled an 18 on Strength too, sucker.
You punched an ironwood tree. Your hand is now full of splinters of ironwood. Arcane energy seeps through your hand and up your arm.
>"Is that bad?" Arcana check. Bam! Natural 20.
You know that Ironwood is ridiculously strong and its magic will eventually turn your hand, then arm, then entire body into petrified wood. Roll saving throws twice per day to resist its effects.

Lost my fucking arm to the damn thing. Not because it got petrified, but because I chopped it off and then cauterized the stump so I'd have something to eat after I got locked behind a fucking lunar door that only opens on the full moon. Inside I found a spaceship manned by the ghosts of a hundred dead kobolds

File: 1347265266106.png-(263 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h02m(...).png)

So I'm playing NWoD(or what I assume was NWoD) and it's my first time really playing with the system. I'm with a group who's previous member had to drop because of school, and I'm basically taking over for him. They ask me to play a Necromancer because that's what the previous guy was. That's cool, Necromancers are pretty cool when done right. So the DM/GM/Fabio sits me down and we start making my character.

I tell him my guy works at McDonalds, and that he uses his powers to bring back all the hamburger patties and chicken nuggets so that he'll have quick and easy minions to dispense. DM/GM/Fabio says I can't do that. I ask why.

>"Because I said so."

Okay a little awkward, but whatever. I decide that my guy doesn't really like the whole idea of bringing people back to life, and mostly sticks with animals. DM/GM/Fabio gives me a look like I'm mental or something, but just goes on. Moving on my guy gets good skills in driving and melee, specifically with blunt objects. and has a good number of points in stamina or whatever the equivalent was to it in that game.

>"So what musical instrument are you fluent in?"

I ask him what he means, and he tells me that everyone in the game is fluent in at least one instrument. I figure that he's setting something up like in Shaman King, where objects have spirits or something, and tell him my guy's fluent in Harmonica.

>"You mean Ocarina?"
>"No, I mean Harmonica."
>"But Ocarina's are cooler."
>"Well maybe but I like Harmonica's more."

He then frowns and scribbles it down rather harshly, making the paper tear a bit.

CONT.

>>20670137
Woe is me indeed! Please help /tg/ I'm having too much fun!

Some people am I right?

>>20670208
You must believe in yourself, your journey, and your god.

And you know that they're only one misunderstanding away from slaughtering an entire neighborhood of innocent bystanders. Why take that chance? Sacrifice one to set the rest on the path of righteousness.

File: 1347265507769.gif-(266 KB, 450x253, 1345308277861.gif)

>>20670226
Go on...

>>20670226
Railroady, close minded to ideas and objectively wrong about Harmonica vs Ocarina? Why would you even play?

>>20670223
Choo choo?

>>20670262

Nah he let us roam kinda as we pleased but he did warn that the longer we took jerking off, the bigger consequences there would be. As it turned out I ended up flying that spaceship right into the Feywild, where I landed on the King and Queen's face

File: 1347265765839.png-(118 KB, 500x279, SPLOSION.png)

>>20670268
That's pretty metal.

File: 1347265774022.png-(288 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h02m59s75.png)

>>20670226
So we've covered the musical instrument and the only thing left is for me to describe what my character looks like.

>"Well he's got short brown hair and wears a cowboy hat and boots, wears a-"
>"You're character should look sickly."
>"Why?"
>"You're a guy who brings back dead people."
>"No, I'm a guy who brings back dead animals, and only if they're fine with it."

I forgot to mention that my guy doesn't really enjoy his power that much, and only uses it when the receiving animal is cool with it. This point will prove pointless later on though, as you'll find out.

>"Fine, continue."
>"Okay, cowboy hat and boots, and wearing a blue baseball jersey with blue jeans. Really lanky too, almost like a string bean."

Me and the DM/GM/Fabio conclude this character creation, and we part ways. cut to my first session with the group and let me tell you, it was unlike anything I've experienced since. To fully grasp the horror in which I'm about to describe to you, let me first introduce you to the party, or as I like to call them "The Band of Wolf Rapists"

>>20670280
ohboyherewego

>>20670280
I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

>>20670280
Well I'm not going to sleep tonight.

>>20670277

It was the PC solution to a DM problem, and really just an extension of my Barbarians philosophy on life.

>>20670280
I hope this thread is here tomorrow.

>>20670223
This reminds me of one of my characters...well, wasn't entirely mine, i'll explain.
>DM wan't to run a campaing where magic and supernatural stuff is severely hunted.
>I roll somekind of mute assassin
>DM says ok at first, but then No, we should start at lvl 0 (this game has level 0, which sucks ass...)
>I can't do my character because in level 0 you don't have class.
>I ask him if he can make my character, becuase he knows better the setting, story and stuff
>Next day he passes me the sheet.
>14 years old human bookworm with special eyes that allows him to copy spell like habilities, see in the dark and see spirits.
>In my insides "Well fuck, here comes the inquisition"
>First session, railroading everywhere
>DM shove us into a cavern, with a misterious book inside.
>Us "we are not interested..."
>DM "You're now trapped in a dome of energy, together with the book..."
>Us "still not interested..."
>DM "Voices tell you to pick the book..."
>Now he was talking to me.
>Me "my mom told me to not trust mysteious and ethereal voices..."
>DM "Roll will..."
>Fail, my will was shit...i wonder why.
>DM "You pick the book...question, you were lefty of righty?"
>Me "Lefty...why?"
>DM "You lose your left arm...hahaha, suckers it was a trap"
>US "wow...never spected that..."

>>20670360
My nose, my beautiful nose, I broke it facepalming.

>>20670360
Lol, wow. I can't even feel bad for you. That's like something my DM would pull to fuck with us and we'd all have a good laugh. I can't imagine someone seriously doing that.

File: 1347266886756.png-(210 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h03m(...).png)

>>20670226
>>20670254
Mostly because I was still very green at the time, and there weren't a lot of options for a guy who wanted to get into P&P games.

The Fox: Dude played a Kitsune(sp?) Lycan that was also an engineered weapon of the Government and the Vatican, also was raped by Minotaurs apparently just last session. Vatican Minotaurs. We use his place for our gaming sessions, and he's constantly pulling up songs and telling us this is what his character is playing at the time. Will want to listen to the whole thing before moving on. Plays a Ocarina. Actually pretty cool dude, if a bit slow at times. He's the type of guy who gets stepped on a lot, but doesn't say anything because he's afraid he'll make people dislike him. Out of all the people in the group he's probably the one I felt sorry for the most. Especially for what happens to his character later.

Black Dynamite: This mother fucker was the craziest dude I'd ever seen. He'd made a damn Blackula-A BLACKULA!!!- that weilded a cursed katana that got stronger the more it was coated in blood. He would constantly shout the funniest shit IG did everything you'd expect from a katana wielding Blackula in a Blaxploitation movie. The player himself was quiet as he could be when he wasn't IC. Cool dude all around. Best line of the game had to be,
>"These motha' fuckin' Vatican Vampires have gone too far! They have set my beloved fiancee ablaze and raped her corpse! I will hunt them down and chop off their heads with my righteous blade!"
CONT.

File: 1347266908599.gif-(760 KB, 259x214, 1328166899568.gif)

>>20670360
that's when you slap the DM in the face and leave

>>20670360
thats'srealfuckin'why.jpg

Alright gents, here's a story about Greg the goddamn elf.

Now, Greg's (full elven name Gre'goran) player is a good guy. He is a decent roleplayer, good at not metagaming, can actually build a character that is good without being broken, even showers on occasion. However, he has one VERY noticeable flaw- He has absolutely zero common sense when there is an elf in game. Fuck if I know why but all reason shuts down at the mention of pointy ears. This, of course, has led to some "interesting" moments, like my favorite here.

>Party is in a rather large human city investigating possible corruption in the guard.
>Alleged racism, robberies, harassment, ect., mostly directed at, of course, elves.
>Mayor wants us to quell the situation and to expose any corrupt officials we encounter, 'cause he is worried about race riots or something.
>Going along well, we catch a pair of guards ransacking an elven woodworkers shop.
>After brief combat we subdue them and start gathering physical evidence.
>Come across letters implying a small elven group is going to start "fighting" back.
>Group is worried, last thing we need is a group of batman wannabes running around. We don't need the competition.
>Bring guards and new info to mayor, promising to look into it.
>Start asking our rogues contacts about this new group, they promise to look into it.
>two in-game days pass.

CONT

>>20670208

Watch Superman vs the Elite/Read "Whatever Happened to Truth Justice and the American Way?"(they're the same shit). The ending of that should give you a good idea of what you must do.

>>20670401

>That night at the tavern Greg is approached by an elven hooker.
>She asks him to take her upstairs, he agrees.
>Out of game Greg's player and the DM go into another room, never a good sign.
>Five minutes later the DM and Greg come back. The DM has a look of absolute sock and stunned horror.
>He has the rest of the group make perecption checks, bard and sorcerer succeed. They notice Greg and his new friend leave.
>He tells them about ten minutes later they see her run out of the tavern full speed.
>Greg comes down a moment later.
>We ask WTF was that about.
>He says the hooker was a double agent for the mayor infiltrating the new elven radical's group and needed some info.
>Wat.
>We ask how much he gave.
>He recites pretty much everything we know about the group and the corrupt guards.
>EVERYTHING.
>INCLUDING NAMES, ADDRESSES, AND GODDAMN SHOE SIZE.
>It isn't even an hour later before we here about fires springing up all around town.
>Every single fire is at a guardsman's home.
>We did the only thing a level four party could do.
>If you guessed "fix the problem Greg caused", you're dead wrong.
>We booked passage of the first boat outta there.
>The group has never set foot in that kingdom since.

>>20670416
dem elf-ears

File: 1347267385544.png-(217 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h03m(...).png)

>>20670381
Ronald McDick: This guy...this guy! He played an ex military commando who was also half demon. Me and him never got along IG or OOC. He'd always be on his laptop dicking around on Second Life, and was basically the DM/GM/Fabio's cock sucker. Because he was the cock sucker, his character never got in trouble, and was able to pull off some of the stupidest and most insane stunts I've ever seen.
For instance, at one point we were looking around in the woods, after fighting some trees, and he suddenly gets the idea that he'll use the stars to determine our location.

>GM: Can't, it's too cloudy
>Ronald: Then I'll just use my shotgun to shoot the clouds away.
>Party: What?!
>GM: Cool, roll to hit.
>Ronald: 4, 9, 7, 8, 7
>GM: You blast at the clouds so much that they part, allowing you to gaze at the stars.

But even this dick was nothing compared to what the DM/GM/Fabio was. Nothing I tell you.

Fabio: The guy who was running this whole thing basically had one of the greasiest faces I'd ever seen, and I'm pretty sure he was bi-polar or autist. Or maybe he was just a dick, I don't really know, the guy was just plain awful. One of the strangest things about Fabio was how even though the rest of him was dirty and greasy, he had the longest and most beautiful flowing blonde hair I'd ever seen. Literally you'd think this guy uses Pert Extreme or something with the amount of volume he has.
CONT.

File: 1347267882733.png-(212 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h03m(...).png)

>>20670435
In the game he had his DMPC, which was a half-Atlantean fucker who was 300 years old and fought for the south during the civil war, would constantly put us "in our place" whenever we tried to do something out of the ordinary. Did I mention Fabio didn't like it if we tried to break the party up? Like even for mundane shit like going out to look for bitches. Hell I'm glad none of use ever stated we went to the bathroom, or else he'd send some cosmic horror that would force us all into the shower together.
Fabio also made sure to us just how awesome his DMPC was, by having every villain or individual in the game be "put in their place" by him. This would include shouting matches between the characters, both voiced by Fabio, and would always end with the NPC huffing and scudding off before any of us had a chance to talk to him/her.
Also he was gay, which meant that every male character in the game beside ours was gay. I have nothing against gay people, fuck I don't even care about your sexual wants, we're playing a game and just having fun. But this dude made a point that every single character was gay, and not just gay but flamboyantly gay. This included Vatican Members, Monsters, and Gods. How bad was it? Let me give you a taste...sorry.

>Fabio(as Rock Deity): Gurl you have earned the right for my boon, OH!
>Me: Uh, thanks dude. Listen I gotta' get back with my buddies cause we're kinda' fightin' this Half-Snake Half-Tiger thing in the community swimmin' pool.
>Fabio: Well anytime you want some company just give me a call mmmkay?
>*Fabio bats his eyelashes at me IRL*
>Me: NOPE.jpg

Next, the first session.

>>20670381
>"These motha' fuckin' Vatican Vampires have gone too far! They have set my beloved fiancee ablaze and raped her corpse! I will hunt them down and chop off their heads with my righteous blade!"

Fuck, I read that in Black Dynamite's voice.

>>20670439
But Black Dynamite, I sell blood to the community!

>>20669813
serves you right for feeding them

>>20670480
Yea, white blood. Everyone knows what happens when you give white blood to black folks.

>>20670511
>>20670480
You guys need to go see this movie right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFn1SZj59x8

File: 1347268714573.png-(255 KB, 512x384, vlcsnap-2012-06-15-05h03m(...).png)

>>20670468
The first session went down with the party continuing on their journey from the previous session, being lost in the woods. My character was there just because Fabio wanted him there and didn't feel like making an actual good reason for the introduction. This threw me off, because I have no idea what these guys have been up to and can't think of a good way to make this work. So I wing it.

>"Man you guys get lost in these woods too? This place is crazy as hell."

Then Fabio has his DMPC push me to the ground, giving a great amount of detail to how my character can feel his body pressing up against theirs and tells me to be quiet. When I ask why he just grunts and gets off me. I'm pretty sure Fabio just wanted a dominance scene so whatever. Me and Black Dynamite hit it off right away, him commenting on my weapon. Or in his words,

>BD: That is one motha' fuckin' good lookin' piece of wood you got there!

My weapon was a wooden baseball bat. Fabio wanted me to take a steel one but I wouldn't budge on it.

So we're traversing through the woods and not doing anything. At all. So my character comments on how he hopes they don't run into any monsters.

Cue living trees of doom.

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>>20670540
I'm actually pumped for the fight as I've been wanting to try out combat. I notice though that everyone besides Fabio seems a little disinterested. We roll a d10 to decide what order we go in, and I actually got a 1.

Fabio states that his DMPC is still going first, and at this point I don't even care I just want to get this fight started. So Fabio has his DMPC use a weird ability where he uses water to create a NINE FOOT BLADE to cut the trees. He rolls some dice but we never see what the results are, nor do we ever see his dice rolls, and he takes out two of the trees automatically, leaving just three of them left.

My turn comes along and I be a little funny.
>Me: "Wood versus wood. This battle has been destined to happen." My character goes in to-
>Fabio: Can't that line was your action. Ronald it's your turn.

I'm sitting there with a look of disbelief on my face. I really can't attack AND talk at the same time? Needless to say Ronald destroys the other trees, even though he rolled four ones. Fabio said that he had failed so badly that he succeeded. Bullshit.

So we're done with the trees and we're moving on, when Ronald does his shotgun trick to the sky as stated earlier. We make it out and now I'm even more confused since I don't know how my character is going to stick with the group now. Fabio then has his DMPC grab me by the neck.

>Fabio: For all that trouble you caused us back there you're going to come with us and help out.
>Me: What the hell did I do?!

Fabio's DMPC doesn't give an answer and just forces me into the party's speed tank. That's right, it was a speed tank. What's a speed tank? Well apparently it's a tank, but with a jet engine in the back and giant semi tires instead of whatever the hell tanks normally have.
Needless to say that was pretty fucking cool.

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>>20670602
> he had failed so badly that he succeeded.

. . . wat?

>>20670602
The more I read the more I want to punch Fabio

>>20669982
There are worse reasons to murder someone. I mean, not a ton, but there are some.

>>20670090
Your party is fucking great, man.

>Cut off his fore and middle fingers because the guy had shot at him. It took us a minute to explain he had ruined this guy's life. So he shot him.
Hang on, why did he shoot him? Isn't it better to leave the guy with a mostly ruined life? Then he spreads the word not to shoot at the ranger.

>>20669923
...that sounds amazingly good...can...can I be in your group? I don't even have to play or anything if you're full, I can just eat.

> Tell him no because mammoths are not sentient.
Bullshit.

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>>20670602
Cut to five sessions later and the group has actually been through some shit. The Fox had his character raped three times within two sessions by Vatican tentacle monsters and Vatican Orcs, Black Dynamite had lost his wife to Vatican Vampires, Ronald had obtained a laser gun and become King of Canada(because he found out that Canada is actually full of flesh blob like creatures that control everything and he killed them all with his dick. Seriously, he killed them with his sperm by putting it into a rocket and exploding it over Canada. The citizens of Canada made him King because of that.), and my character had used his boon to transform his bat into a magical staff with a cow skull on top that increased his Necromancer powers. I could now revive trees and creatures as large as an Elephant.
Fabio's DMPC also discovered he was Cthulhu's son. Let that sink in for a moment. DMPC, an Atlantean who fought for the South during the Civil War and all around prick was the son of Cthulhu. After learning this Fabio's DMPC decides that since the BBEG( who was the Kraken from Greek Mythology btw) was going to destroy the world by next Friday that they should ask his father for help.
Everyone in the group, even Ronald, was totally against the idea. This was Cthulhu, the main man, the big bad, Macho Man Randy Savage in giant Octopus form, you do not fuck around with this guy. Needless to say DMPC forced us all to come along or he'd use his weird ass powers to drain us of all the liquid in our bodies.
CONT.

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>>20670744

So somehow Fabio's DMPC uses a spell to transport us to the home of Cthulhu. You know, the one THIRTY THOUSAND FEET BELOW THE SEA!!!! Everyone's character starts to drown except for Fabio's since he's half Atlantean. Dick actually has us do rolls for survival before just having his DMPC cast magic bubble around us. Not allowing us a moment to recover the DMPC starts moving to bubble further into the home of Cthulhu. Eventually we come across the big bad dude himself and we all have to make rolls to keep our sanity. Everyone but The Fox succeeds, his character passes out from sheer fear. Me and BD share a look of worry. Every time The Fox passes out he gets raped by whatever was closest at the time. And the only thing around was Cthulhu....
And us.

>>20670755
>and us

OH GODDD

>>20670755
Also, poasted in your other thread, after you're done with your tale.

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>>20670755
Some lesser Squid or whatever swims over to our bubble, and instead of just killing us starts up a dialogue with Fabio's DMPC.

At this point the rest of us start having a IC discussion, which Fabio allows if only to delay what I'm sure is coming.

>Me: "Okay boys, we're thirty thousand feet below the ocean, in the den of Cthulhu, and we ain't got no trail mix. What do we do?"
>BD: "I say we start choppin' tentacles!"
>Ronald: "I've got a laser gun, I shoot the fuck right in the head."
>The Fox: "...."
>Me: "So we're just gonna' go down fightin' then?
>BD&Ronald: "Yeah."
>Me: "Cool with me."

Fabio's DMPC cuts off our attempt to have fun and informs our characters that the squid just told him the only way to talk with Cthulhu was two ways. We sacrifice a member of a party to him, which we all vocally disagree with, or we provide a sexual slave to him. Fabio looks at The Fox and licks his lips.

>>20669653
>Did he execute every dog that happened to be facing in his direction too?
>Stray dogs in the presence of the emperor

I'm sure that happened all the time. Excellent deduction, Sherlock.

>>20670785
fuck this fabio cunt is weird

>>20670416
But since he was an elf too it makes sense that he might sympathize.

>>20670808
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNv9nR7QVPk

>>20670785
Goddammit, type faster. I want to see how this shitfest ends.

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>>20670785
>Me: "Nope."
>Fabio: "You have to, it's the only way to save the world."
>BD: "Fuck dat' shit! I ain't lettin' that girlie gettin' raped no more!"
>Ronald: "I've got a laser gun." *tries to intimidate*
>Me: "You got our answer fish boy."
>Fabio: Looking red in the face and grinding his teeth. "You fools are going to allow the world to end all because of some slut?"

At this point we're all getting a little mad IRL, this shit happens too much and we're getting tired of it. Most of the time The Fox gets raped because he fails rolls, but this is just fucking ridiculous. This is the God Dammit moment, we literally can't do jack shit besides take a stand.

Then BD speaks.

>"Fucka' LOOK at the world we livin' in! Half of 'Merica is invested with demons, da' Vatican's raping people left an' right, and it's all goin' down the tube in a week anyways. So you wanna' stand there and tell me da' only way to save all that shit is by lettin' the girl get raped again? Fuck dat shit."

Fabio is fuckin' livid at this point, so much so that he starts screaming at us.

>Fabio: "NO! YOU HAVE TO LET THIS HAPPEN! YOU HAVE TO!"
>Me: Sigh. "I call upon the creatures of the sea."

File: 1347272980518.jpg-(64 KB, 340x426, 239.jpg)

>>20670785
>Fabio looks at The Fox and licks his lips.

>>20670785
>Fabio looks at The Fox and licks his lips.
Like, literally? That's fucking revolting.

>>20670852
>"I call upon the creatures of the sea."
Uh
Is there about to be some necromancy going down? What's happening?

>>20670852
Fuck, I need to go to bed. Please hurry!

>>20670852
>>"Fucka' LOOK at the world we livin' in! Half of 'Merica is invested with demons, da' Vatican's raping people left an' right, and it's all goin' down the tube in a week anyways. So you wanna' stand there and tell me da' only way to save all that shit is by lettin' the girl get raped again? Fuck dat shit."


Come on Cabin in the Woods ending.

>>20670852
>"You fools are going to allow the world to end all because of some slut?"

...Would have punched the motherfucker in the face right there...

You do not call rape victims 'sluts'. Thats like calling a burn victim a 'pyro' or a kid who drank the punch at a party and OD a 'druggie'.

Only much worse.

I'm with you. Let that world burn, I'll bring the marsh mellows.

>>20670852
Come on, man, I've got a workout to continue!

>>20670892
Storytime kills your gains

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>>20670852
>Fabio: "What?"
>Me: "I use my magical staff to summon the creatures of the sea."
>Fabio: He sneers. "Like a bunch of rotting fish are gonna' help you at this point."
>Me: "Actually, I'm going to summon the living ones too."
>Fabio: "You can't do that."
>Me: "Actually I can. You allowed me the ability to summon living creatures when the entire party almost died last session."
>Fabio: Frowns. "Fine, still won't do any good."

Now Fabio had a weird way for me to roll for success when summoning dead creatures. I had to roll a d100 and if it made it above 20 I got one creature. If 50 I got 10 creatures, if 80 I got 30. If I got a 100 I could have complete dominance over all creatures within a two miles radius. I had never gotten a d100 before.

>Fabio: Starts to roll die
>Me: "I wanna' see the roll, since it doesn't matter and all."
>Fabio: Sneers and rolls the dice.
Bounce....
Bounce.......
Bounce..........
100

There's a moment of silence. Ronald stops eating potato chips and BD sits his Mountain Dew down.
Then.
>Fabio: "YOU CAN'T CONTROL CTHULU! HE'S A GOD AND GOD'S CAN'T BE CONTROLLED!"
>Me: Okay, I won't."
>Fabio sighs in relief.
>Me: "I control DMPC and tell him to teleport us out of here."

>>20670904
Shit just got real.

>>20670904
Oh shit son

>>20670904
Tantrum imminent.

F5 F5 F5

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>>20670904
Fab-cunt has clearly no idea what he's talking about.

Aquaman kicked a Cthulhu-expy ass this way.

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>>20670940
Said expy...

>>20670785
Sacrifice the DMPC

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>>20670904
>Fabio: "You can't-"
>Me: "Fabio is half-Atlantean. You stated before that Atlanteans are basically humanoid fish. Fish are animals. I tell DMPC to teleport us out of here."

Fabio can't do jack shit at this point, he knows it, and both BD and Ronald are giving looks, daring him to fuck with us. Well, Ronald is giving him the look, BD like I said is kinda' quiet outside of IC.

So Fabio teleports us out of there and we're back on dry land.

>Me: "I tell DMPC to encase us in an air bubble."
>Fabio: *confused* Okay he does it
>Me: "Teleport only me and DMPC back to Cthulhu."
>Fabio teleports me back and rest of the group is watching in anticipation
>Me: "Now kill yourself."

Fabio starts to protest, but I point out I have complete and utter control over him. He literally has no way out of this.

>Fabio: "FINE! DMPC kills himself and Cthulhu rapes all of you for killing his son! The world ends and all of humanity is destroyed! HAPPY!?!"

He then stormed off and left The Fox's house. BD and Ronald both started exclaiming how fucking awesome it was to have Fabio put down, and Fox just thanked us for actually standing up for him.

I'd like to tell you I still RP with those guys, and that we actually have fun these days. Sadly we all lost touch with each other, most of us going to college in different states. I hear Fox is actually getting a Vet degree. BD and Ronald are off trying to get into Video games.

And what of dear Fabio?
Fuck that guy.

>>20670948
dat beergut

>>20670948
where are his wings?

>>20670958
I don't have that gif from Citizen Kane.

But dear god, does this ever deserve it.

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>>20670961
That his leg. He getting out of a hole...did these pages backwards..

>>20670962

He's an expy not a rip-off.

>>20670958
And that was the story of what should have happened the minute DM decided to use his game to live out his rape fantasies.

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>>20670958
Worth postponing my workout.

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>>20670904
>>20670958

WU TANG UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER

http://chanarchive.org/requests
Worth it for Fabio, I'd say.

>>20670948
>Spy
Actually he isn't that subtle...at all.

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>>20670981
>>20670979
>>20670966
Glad you guys enjoyed it so much. I sure as hell didn't when it happened to me, but that doesn't matter. This helped me become a better roleplayer and show me what NOT to do.

It also proved that just because you have fabulous hair doesn't mean you're not a dick.

>>20671008
http://archive.foolz.us/tg/

HERP DERP DURF DURF DERP

Yeah really not sure why the Emperor would give a shit that a mammoth is staring at him. He probably had other, similar animals in his gardens and stuff.

It's a fucking mammoth.

>Be PC in a Dark Heresy campaign
>First session, not sure how everything works yet
>Party goes into a cave
>We notice the cave drops off sharply ahead
>Drop turns out to be only 6' deep
>I tell him I'll just lower myself down since it's such a short drop
>You can't do that anon, it's too far
>GM makes us roll to land safely despite how shallow it is
>Only one party member succeeds, the rest of us take lethal damage and have to burn a fate point to live
>Turns out there's some mystery hole down there that we all automatically roll towards like retards
>Everyone burns another fate point
>Proceed cautiously using ropes for the rest of the session so we can't fall again

>Next session
>GM railroads us something fierce, we're all getting bored
>Travelling across the land in an open top transport vehicle
>Psyker decides to kill time by killing birds
>Fails his check
>DM rolls dice while grinning like a necrophiliac in a morgue
>Rolls multiple times, starts to frown at dice then apparently realises we can't see them
>PERILS OF THE WARP!
>Everyone burns yet another fate point
>Everyone has run out of fate points now
>My character gains a ridiculous amount of insanity and corruption
>Psyker tries to kill another bird
>Fails again
>Transport breaks down
>Jokingly pat the vehicle and say "Don't worry, you'll be fine"
>DM sees his chance, tells me I've gained more insanity
>You've gained enough points for me to roll on this table
>Proceeds to roll his dice several times
>Each time says "No, you'll like that too much, anon"
>End up with some shitty psychological problem
>Character ruined

Also played Returners and D&D with this guy as DM, I don't know why I put myself through it.

>>20671020
That's... different. [i]Everything[/i] goes there!

>>20671052
>[i]
teehee

And yes, everything goes in there so there's no reason to archive on other sites

>>20671063
foolz is just a backup for if you missed a thread. Really good stuff should be put on suptg for posterity. Searchable tags, votes, all that fantasticness.

>>20671008
Hey, /b/. Enjoying your stay?

I'm actually serious. What do you think of /tg/?

Its amazing, every time i played WoD, DH, WF or games like that all DMs were fucking cunts.

And in D&D all DMs were fucking awesome and cool guys.

>>20671111
Except you can do all that on foolz without the reddit shit like voting.

>>20671117
Suptg is traditional, get over it.

I once had a DM who thought CR was "Add all the party member's levels together." and got mad when we couldn't beat a CR 9 monster.

We were level 3.

He also liked to make previous characters of ours show up and be murdered in his next campaigns, usually with crying and pissing themselves. He had a colossal hard-on for Paladins, though, and would let them get away with everything. If you were a thief, a halfling, or god forbid a combination of the two?

>"They locked you in unpickable shackles."
>>"But the wizard and Paladin only got rope, and these guys have never even met me before."

>"You were taking point. The monster attacks you first."
>>"But I never said-"
>"Rogues have to be at front to check for traps. Roll to dodge."

>"They aim at you first."

God DAMMIT, Chris!

>>20671137
TRADITIOOOOOOOON! TRADITION! TRADITION!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRdfX7ut8gw

>>20671008
>>20671020
>not using suptg

>>20671148
He also had a habit of stealing names and ideas straight out of Anime/Video Games. Fucker didn't have an original bone in his nerdy little body.

What's that? Our instructor is called "Kusanagi" and we have to take a pebble out of their hand to advance to our next level of ninja training in a group of three? And these ninjas are working for a transparently evil empire who killed a man for expressing mild dislike of their rule, and now they want us to kill a bunch of schoolchildren and rape a teacher to "Teach those rebels a lesson"?

And when we don't do it, a ghost kills them all anyway and we never see him again?

Oh, what about that time we decided to go find the rebels, and the land suddenly turned into a swamp between sessions that would kill us when we touched it? And why did god contact me to tell me I was destined to be a Paladin? And why is god "Arcturus Mengsk"?

God DAMMIT, Chris!

>>20671194
To be fair, I've always found Suptg to be easier to find specific threads with.

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>>20671033
>GM makes you take lethal damage and burn fate over a 6 foot drop

>>20671378
It would have been 6 meters probably, or 20 feet. Dark heresy does not use feet.

Still shouldn't be lethal damage if you didn't land on your head.

>>20671425
Well to be honest, dark heresy falling damage is quite retarded by raw:
1d10+meters in damage that ignores armor and toughness, no minumum before you roll.

so it is entirely possible to break both legs from jumping straight up...by raw.

I've never seen or heard of anyone acually enforcing that shit before now tho

Playing Shadowrun for the first time recently with two friends. I'd only played RPGs with one of the players before, and I knew he was a source of God Dammit moments from before, but I assumed he had matured since the last time we had played(a few years).

He pulled a gun on his fixer in their first meeting, all because he wanted an advance payment before accepting the job, and demanded more than 5000 nuyen before knowing what the job was.

At another point in the game, his new PiC, the other PC, steals cash from his wallet and again takes half of his cut from the job(he wasn't getting back in the same room with the fixer).

He then went into the bar, demanding his money, and when the fixer said he'd already been paid, threw a grenade and ran.

I don't think I can run another game with just these two.

>>20672087
>He pulled a gun on his fixer in their first meeting and the Johnson set him up to get killed
>He then went into the bar, demanding his money, and when the fixer said he'd already been paid, threw a grenade and ran. After that he was arrested because the bar had him caught on camera and Lone Star knew exactly who he was

If these situations didn't end as described, you're failing as a GM (also your player is terrible).

Also,
>stealing cash from a wallet
>implying anyone in SR has "cash"

>Lvl 5
>DM splits the group
>I'm with the minmaxer player
>Inside voice "Fuck, i'm dead"
>We encounter a siege in the middle of nowhere and without hear anything
>Fucking tons of guys start attacking us
>Minmaxer guy has tons of temporal hps, i mean he lose like 100 hps an was still alive and not even wounded
>I died
>I start with new character with lower level 4 >because if i die or change of character i lose a lvl "just like resucitate spells and stuff...wouldn't be fair if you don't"
>Minmaxer player is now level 7
>DM "It's not my fault if you died, and i'm not going to give less xp to the "minmaxer guy" just because he survived and you don't"

>>20671425
20 meters is a fucking lot. 6 meters is definitely gonna hurt your feet.

>>20672122
I admit I didn't handle it well, but I had just spent an hour and a half making his character with him, so I didn't want to throw away all that time because of something dumb being done. The session ended when the grenade went off.

I'm pretty sure credsticks are a common enough thing, and the money had already been presented slightly earlier in the session(but it wasn't related to the god dammit theme of the thread so I didn't bring it up here).

I'll just have to remember to bring in Lone Star.

>>20671892
A character can attempt to safely jump down a number of
metres equal to his Agility Bonus by making a Challenging
(+0) Agility Test. If he succeeds, he lands on his feet and
takes no damage. If he succeeds, but the jump is a greater
distance than his Agility Bonus, he must take Falling Damage
(see page 261) equal to the distance jumped in metres beyond
his Agility Bonus and ends his Turn prone. If he fails the
Agility Test, he suffers Falling Damage for the entire distance
of the jump and ends his Turn prone.
>Falling is serious business in Dark Heresey (taken from rogue trader)

>>20672165
I admit I didn't handle it well
That's kind of an understatement, but at least you admit it, so you're on the right track.

The thing you need to realize is that Shadowrun is not D&D. In D&D the players can get away with burning down a town because there aren't any phones. In SR, everything they do in public will be instantly known to ALL of the authorities, who will respond appropriately. There's a reason the game is called SHADOWrun and not BROADDAYLIGHTrun.

That same idea of keeping realism goes for NPCs too. Do you really think a Johnson would be OK with getting shaken down for 5000 nuyen by some punk runner? Hell no! He's going to use his considerable resources and contacts to make that runner's short life a living hell.

Same with the bar owner who has to replace all the fixtures that got blown up. That PC just made a new enemy.

>Be doppleganger with low intelligence
>Infiltrate compound meant for 3-person party
>Disguised as Owner of mansion
>In basement
>Meet some gnolls hired as mercs
>Almost smell through disguise
>Bluff way through
>Next room
>Disguise's son and 2 changelings with rings of true sight.
>See me
>See ME
>Turn around
"Hey gnolls, these guys are dopplegangers, go kill them for me."
>Nat 20
"Wait, he's the doppleganger, not us."
>Better nat 20
Long story short, I get beaten to within an inch of my death, lose a really good axe, fuck up my chances of further infiltration, and fail to save my family that was apparently held hostage. All because the DM rolled 5 d20s for the group of gnolls, and decided the one 20 went to the leader.

>>20671892

Because it's a misreading. It's 1d10+(1 * meter), not (1d10+1)*meter. They only ever clarified that in the later games though.