>using the window would be unwise as you are on the second story of the house.

I'm THAT GUY. Doing unwise shit is what I live for. TIME TO JUMP!

>>20680829
Piss on myself, for that extra tangy smell.

Fantasize how you're going to rape your party in game in a few hours

I break the window and use one of the shards to stab myself in the neck, like one of my waifus.

>>20680829
>covered in chip bags and beverage containers
Spend three hours trying to dig out remaining bits of food, arrive late at game.

>>20680848
>>20680844
You decide that the most expedient path to the outside world would be to leap out the window in to your yard. As you open the window to make the leap a twinge of fear runs through you and a trail of urine escapes from your weak bladder. Undaunted however you take a step back and rush towards the exit. You tumble out the window and land on your back with a loud thud. A thinner, frailer man would have been injured, but your weight has serviced you well today and you are merely stunned momentarily. You lift yourself up off the ground and face the outside world. You do not have a car, so if you wish to get around town you must catch a bus, but if you wish to explore the area around you there are many houses in your neighborhood, your street runs east to west it dead ends on the west side and intersects with another street not far to the east.

What do you do?

> Half-fox Half-fey dickgirl
Whoa whoa whoa. We are trying to seduce dragons. Any chances to change it to half-fey half-fox half-dragon?

>>20680887
A thought crosses your mind that you should edit your character sheet to include a dragon lineage for Gulian, however you have forgotten to bring your [Pen] with you on the way out and the revision will have to wait.

>>20680884
Go north - by breaking into next the house in the way.

>>20680887
>needing to be half dragon to seduce dragons
>laughingbards.jpg

>>20680899
You head straight north across your street, and attempt to break in. however your skill in lock picking leaves something to be desired so you attempt to ram the door down. You slam in to the front door shoulder first and ricochet off, landing flat on your ass. The inhabitant of the house rushes to the door and tells you to leave before they call the cops. It would not be the first time your antics have gotten you in trouble with the law, thankfully your parents will bail you out of any situation you get yourself in to.

If i'm that guy, surely i'm tired from doing nothing on the internet all night. I'll need to take a nap somewhere disregarding the game's starting time.

>>20680993
Preferably on the couch of the house I just broke into.

>>20680993
Feeling drained by this exhausting social interaction with your neighbor you think it's high time for a nap. Where will you nap?

>>20681010
You inform your neighbor that you would like to sleep on their couch until it is time for your game, having failed to successfully break in to their house you are at their mercy for this choice. Your neighbor does not answer you and you can hear them picking up the phone and dialing through the door.

>>20681011
Right here.
>>20681010

>>20681011

Right where we stand. Going back in is for chumps, we are a delightful and beautiful foxdragonfeydemonking in the form of a corpulent man, and we shall sleep like our true beastial and monstrous lineage. Outdoors!

I'll find a bush or a tree to nap in so the police don't find me.

>>20681038
Judging that your neighbor is just calling a friend or family member, not the police. you decide to honor your true form by sleeping where you stand, you make sure to mark your territory before laying down on your neighbors porch. You awaken 3 hours later, it is now 6pm and you are late for your game. Your neighbor has stapled your [Cheeto Stained Dress Shirt] to their porch and your are unable to get up without tearing it. A group of cats have also surrounded you in your sleep.

>>20681082
Tear the shirt, fuck it. We'll change on the way.

File: 1347348351985.jpg-(97 KB, 501x648, 1346254338956.jpg)

wtf /tgt, wtf

>>20681082
I am one of the cats. They and I share an understanding, what with our cat napping qualities. I take off my shirt and let them use it as a bed.

>>20681093
You raise your massive girth off of the porch, ripping the shirt to shreds, the cats surrounding you all swarm your clothings remains and begin licking the stains. You are now shirtless and late for your game.

>>20681082

The party will definitely appreciate our sexy man-nipples in attendance. We shall rip the shirt off, and take a swim in the neighbor's pool real quick before we go so we can make sure our body is GLEAMING,

>>20681122

We'll grab a couple of cats for the road. The DM likes cats right? We'll apologize with a cat.

>>20681122
I pull my pants up really high so it's almost like i'm wearing a shirt anyway. I don't wanna walk back and get a new shirt.

>>20681127
None of your neighbors have pools for you to drench your "rippling pecs". However there is a community pool on the way to your DMs home which is closed and thus empty.

>>20681149
>>20681138
You hick your pants up as high as you can, you are glad you decided to wear sweatpants yesterday. The pants reach to just under your man breasts. You pick up a [Stray Cat] and place it in your "inventory", an abstract location we don't want to know about, surely this will appease your DM.

>>20681155

Well, we've attempted breaking into one property. Let's make it two. Also, as we go there, plan out a thief king character, or figure out how to add "Thief King" into our character's twenty-page backstory.

>>20681138
Seconding the cats.
Ignore the community pool, too much effort to get in.

Now it get real late for our game... Try to get free ride to the gaming place, otherwise try to run like Forrest Gump style.

>>20681192
Run naruto style. It's more aerodynamic, and makes us look cool.

>>20681205
I hope we remembered our headband.

>>20681214

If not, can we steal our neighbor's welcome mat, rip it, and have both a headband and a cape for our efforts?

If there are any woods nearby, I try to take a shortcut through them.

>>20681230
>>20681236
>>20681205
You equip your neighbors [Welcome Mat] to your forehead and begin your trek through the woods to your DMs house, running as fast as your flabby legs can take you and making sure to maintain your "ninja pose" for more speed. You end up lost in the woods. Exits are north, south, east, and west. you can hear traffic in the north, and the crunching of freshly fallen leave to the east.

>>20681276
We must go west, towards the setting sun. It will guide us to grorious nippon, home of our waifu.

I head to the east, for I am not some baka gaijin.

>>20681294
>>20681291
Deciding to practice your SHADOW CLONE JUTSU ability you attempt to go both east and west. You fail at this endeavor and end up falling on your ass.

>>20681276
west it is!

I kill myself, putting an end to this thread that was not very well thought out.

>>20681276

Let's go to the leaves. Maybe it will be Slenderman, and we can totally beat him up and show up that guy at game, Charlie, who says we're a tool and that Slenderman is not real and neither are kitsune-dragon-love-goddesses.

>>20681313
You begin heading west, deeper in to the forest. You stop when you come across a wild fox perched upon an upturned stone. The setting sun glistening through the foliage above. The fox does not appear to be aware of your presence at the moment.

>>20681347

HUG IT

>>20681347
we must capture it and devour it to gain its form and add its bones to our shrine

>>20681356
Roll 1d20 for accuracy

rolled 10 = 10

>>20681362
BLOOD AND HONOR
VICTORY AT SEA

rolled 3 = 3

>>20681362

Rolling to HUG. Also, any penalties for being a gross fatass?

rolled 19 = 19

>>20681362
rolling to add its bones to the shrine

>>20681373
You attempt to capture the fox but your hideous fat rolls make each step towards the beast a cacophony of flesh slapping, giving away your presence. The fox is alerted to your presence and you are now locked in combat.

You are now facing 1 [Wild Fox] in combat.

What do you do? (explain actions and roll 1d20 for accuracy.)

>>20681387
why god why

>>20681373
>>20681376
>>20681387

So we are mediocre at pouncing it, shit at hugging it, but awesome at getting it's bones?

Did we just squash it with our corpulence?

rolled 10 = 10

>>20681402
you use BELLY DRUM as your first move to raise your attack

rolled 4 = 4

>>20681402
BELLY FLOP

rolled 9 = 9

>>20681402

Rolling to curl up in a ball and cry.

rolled 18 = 18

>>20681409
we dive at it while unhinging our jaw in an attempt to swallow it whole

>>20681412
You attempt to drum on your stomach and shout a war cry to raise your offensive capabilities but all you manage to do is frighten the [Stray Cat] in your "inventory"
>>20681421
You attempt to run headlong at the [Wild Fox] to attempt to crush it with your weight but slip and fall flat on your face.

>>20681431
Writing in pain from your failed belly flop you attempt to roll up in to a ball and cry, your attempt fails as the fox launches its attack before you can complete the action.

The [Wild Fox] bites at your arm viciously dealing 14 damage, your HP stands at 286/300

rolled 17 = 17

>>20681459
Roll on top of the fox, crushing it with our girth.

Also can you give us an update on our inventory and its contents?

>>20681456
You attempt to unhinge your jaw and swallow the beast whole as if you were a snake, your attempt surprisingly is a rousing success! The [Wild Fox]s muzzle in now lodged in your fat face, you are dealing 12 bite damage per round.

The fox scratches at you and whelps in fear dealing 18 damage, your HP now stands at 268/300

rolled 19 = 19

>>20681459
We can still recover, roll to grab it and pin it in a neckbearhug, close to our chest, where it can do no harm until we decide what to do with its beautiful, silky (silky silky warm kind fur) form.

>>20681459
Okay first thing to do as THAT GUY, is to argue with the DM that the small size of the fox's maw, combined with the large amount of fat around your arm, wouldn't do beyond a d6 in damage.

rolled 17 = 17

>>20681477
This then
>>20681484
This.
Then knock it unconscious, adding one [Mildly-damaged Fox] to our inventory

>>20681477
With the fox lodged in your mouth you perform a [DEATH ROLL] bestial talent slamming the fox in to the ground and falling on top of it. You deal 31 damage to the fox.

The [Wild Fox] yelps in pain and is pinned by your massive weight, unable to attack.

Your "inventory" contains: 1 [Welcome Mat](Equipped to head slot), 1 [Over Stretched Sweatpants] (Equipped to legs and chest) 1 [Stray Cat], and 1 [Character Sheet: Gulian].

rolled 13 = 13

>>20681509
Lets absorb the fox's essence

>>20681488
You attempt to argue with the DM but he is not present and your mouth is full of fox face.

>>20681484
You perform the dreaded [BEAR HUG] bestial talent, crushing the fox and snapping its spine for a brutal 54 damage. you embrace the fox crying, stroking its smooth fur as it gurgles and twitches in its death throughs.

rolled 14 = 14

>>20681509

NOW WE HUG

rolled 5 = 5

>>20681495
Agreed, hug the fox into unconsciousness, then add to inventory.

Perhaps we can use the fox as a roleplaying prop, representing our familiar or animal companion.

It doesn't matter if Gulian's class allows that, we still have a fox companion, I presume.

rolled 2 = 2

>>20681526
welp, nothing to do now but devour it and add its bones to the shrine

>>20681531
>>20681533
You hug the dieing fox tightly, weeping for the fallen kitsune, and adding its dead body to your "inventory". You are now alone in the woods, it is 8pm and you are VERY late for your game. There is a street off in the western distance, which based on your travels you think might be your DMs street. Exits are north,south,east,and west.

we'll need some snacks if we're going to be playing d&d, is there a 7/11 or gas station along the way?

>>20681560
Hungry, you recollect that there is a party store not one block away from your DMs house.

rolled 2 = 2

>>20681572
out our pants on our head to disguise our identity and rob the place,using the stray cat as a weapon

>>20681560
This, we need Cheetos so that we may smear cheesy crap from our hands on everyone else's property.
I also think we should consider jacking off on the dead fox, though that might be a bit much even for a That Guy

>>20681572
Go exchange the cat for a bag of flamin' hot cheetoes. Disregard that the flamin' hot variety gives us taco shits.

>>20681555

Run to the street, we're late and the Gift Cat is going to be all mad by the time we get there.

Also, we shall paint rune on our manly midsection using and blood seeping from the fox's mouth and other holes, since I'm sure we crushed all of it's internal organs and it's a sack of bones and blood now.

rolled 11 = 11

>>20681579
put*

>>20681580
I think you're forgetting that we have a shrine to a fox god in our closet, and we just cried about killing it. We are clearly in a highly emotional state right now and are even less rational than usual.

Take five minutes to jack off onto the fox's corpse. Rub the cum into its fur until it's nice and matted with our scent.

>>20681585
>>20681584
You dash out on to the street, smearing fox blood all over yourself with each step. As you reach the street you see the party store to your left and your DMs house on the right, deciding snacks take precedence you run up to the store wheezing heavily as you are not used to so much exercise. You approach the door but before you can open it the man behind the counter leaps over his station and locks it. He points to a sign on the window with your picture, it reads: "Craig, Banned for life for insulting employees and destruction of property."

>>20681611

Attempt to seduce him into coming into our place with our body, while using the lumpy fox corpse as a veil like a stripper.

>>20681623

*into allowing us in, with our body

rolled 7 = 7

>>20681611
walk away and pick up a rock and chuck it at the window then run to the DMs place

but only if >>20681623 fails

>>20681623
roll 1d100 for seduction.

rolled 83 = 83

>>20681631

Rolling our sexy.

>>20681637

What the shit.

Does the counter guy just have a fetish for creepy neckbeards?

>>20681637
Did... Did that just work?

rolled 16 = 16

>>20681637
lets just roll with this and see where it goes

>>20681654
So, he lets us in to call the cops on us?

>>20681637
You attempt to seduce the young man, using the fox corpse in a display of your sexitude. The young man appalled by your display opens the door and angrily tells you: "Craig, Jesus Christ man. Is that a dead fox?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Look, you know what I've had to deal with you for like 5 years now, I'm sick of it. Get your damn snacks, and get the hell out of here, I don't even want your money I don't even want to see you. Just get your shit and leave. Next time you come back I'm calling the cops." You are allowed entrance in to the party store, which snacks would you like to procure?

>>20681662
All of them, throw a tantrum if he refuses you your sugary sweet treats.

>>20681662
Flamin' hot Cheetos and a six pack of beer for the DM so that we can get him to accept our character.

>>20680829
Crazy thing is, my dice bag looks JUST like that... Oh god is this me in the future...

>>20681662

AS MANY AS WE CAN CARRY BECAUSE FREE SNACKS

Also, is there beer? We are fun and affiable when drunk, and by I mean we've woken up in jail when we come to.

>>20681662
All of them, and if he makes a fuss offer him the cat

>>20681662
Pickled eggs, canned meat, vienna sausages.

>>20681674
cat's gone

>>20681669
>>20681668
You grab a 6 pack of the most expensive beer you can find, 1 bag of [Flamin Hot Cheetos] and a handful of [Assorted Candy] You thank the man at the counter for his assistance and he gives you the finger as he locks the door behind you. You are now on your DMs street, it is 9pm and you are EXTREMELY late for your game.

>>20681670

Honestly, OP's pic guy seems pretty decent, if a massive dork for costuming while playing standard tabletop instead of LARPing. You should be more worried about being a crazy fat naked man covered in fox blood and wielding a cat like Craig.

>>20681686
It took us an entire hour to shop for snacks?

...yeah actually, that sounds like a thatguy. Get to the game ASAP.

>>20681686
When you go to your DM bro's house, waltz right in, don't bother knocking, this will show that you are familiar bros.

>>20681686

Go to the DM's house, and steal a lawn gnome or a pink flamingo or something as a gift. We will give him many gifts.

>>20681686
Head to wherever the game is, ask if you can keep your dead fox in their fridge for the duration of the game and aspie rage if they started without you.

>>20681686
now eat half of the snacks before we get there, we have worked up an appetite after all, what with all this exercise

>>20681686
Call your DM - tell him you got lost in woods.

>>20681703
This. Showing that we're as comfortable in his house as we are in our own confers aspects of solidarity. Perhaps readjust our crotch to reaffirm this.

>>20681705
>>20681706
>>20681703
You make your way to your DMs house, plucking his own [Garden Gnome] form his lawn to give to him as a gift. You open the door as it is unlocked and walk right in. Your group greets you in their usual fashion of abject disinterest. The DM stare at you and states "Craig... where's your shirt, and are you covered in blo-- you know what I don't care, I see you have brought a peace offering... and my garden gnome." You fork over the gnome and beer, and relinquish the cat from your "inventory". The cat in a frenzy escape out the front door and your DM just shakes his head at you. You ask if you can put your [Fox Corpse] in his fridge while you play. He says: "If you don't take it with you when you leave you're going to owe me more than a six pack. But yeah, that pos is empty anyways. Okay what do you have this time for your character?"

>>20681736
Ask him what is the setting first

THEN unload our mary-sue

>>20681736
Quickly steal someone else's pen and use it to scribble in the bit about also being half-dragon. Then give him the sheet and "forget" to return the pen.

>>20681736
tell him to wait a sec while we use blood to edit the character sheet

>>20681736
My furs- that is, character is a Half-fox Half-fey Half-dragon Thief King hermaphrodite.

>>20681736

Are there any girls here?

We should hit on the girls! Or ask the other players about their sisters! We need a pure and beautiful girlfriend!

>>20681742
>>20681743
You ask the DM what the setting is and he tells you it's a low fantasy noir game with slight supernatural elements. You ask him for his pen, and revise your sheet to reflect your characters Half-Dragon lineage, then hand him your sheet. He shotguns one of the beers and tells you to sit down.

You have completed campaign 1 of THAT GUY QUEST. Would you like to continue your campaign?

>>20681766
yes

>>20681766
Y

>>20681736

"I had a character written out, but I think I'll just play a Human Wizard named Mark."

We have to sneak our beautiful character concepts in. This way we can slowly turn up the horro-I mean UNIQUENESS, when the other Players discover our Pleasure/Pain "Love Dungeon" hidden in our Bag of Holding.

Does the DM have any coasters? Don't use them.

>>20681774
>>20681773
Your progress has been saved and will be loaded when you begin your campaign again.

(It's 5am here I'm gonna go to bed. Awesome job guys.)

>>20681783

>And it will be a surprise when the other PCs discover

We need to turn up the terror and "Oh God, why?" slowly. Start out slightly odd and have them all puking by the end of the campaign.

If we continue I think THAT GUY might be a little hungry. Some complaining about not having more than a dollar to his name may get you some food. Bringing this up several times is the only way to achieve this goal.

>>20681799
This, but only AFTER eating all the hot cheetos and covering our greasy paws in cheeto dust.

>>20681799
We can always try to eat the fox. Sneak it under the table and when we think no one is looking, nibble on it.

>>20681848
But we put it in the DM's fridge

>>20681799
Thank you. I haven't enjoyed a quest like that in a long time.

>>20681967
Yeah, it's right up there with Grayson Quest and Anal Prolapse Quest.

If the fox is going under the table there's only one thing we're going to be doing with it, and it's not going to be eating.

Hey, we're already missing our shirt, why not go the rest of the way anyway?