You can't cut back on funding! You'll regret this!

Two imps

>>25308616
>>25308616
You say that every week, man.

But I have a plan, right?
I think we should give him, you know, how about TWO cadavers?

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>>25308616

Is that so?

Put aside a little of the funding and use it to bribe a bard into crafting an elaborate story about the lore of magic. Any time the prince asks about your progress, tell him a little bit more about the fabrication your storyteller spun.

The prince will never know. After all, if he already knew the truth he wouldn't be funding people to look for it.

>>25308630
>>25308646

I see where this is going already.

>>25308630
The last time we tried that, they started groping each other as soon as we took the tarp off the cage. Well, at least they didn't ask any more questions after that.

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I mind control his sister to tie him down and ravage him.

Gottdammit.

Ok get the local stone workers to carve a statue of a powerful suit of armor, and make sure the joints are segmented! We'll animate it when they're done and give it to the king as a gift. It'll make it seem like we've made advances that we honestly haven't in that field.

Y'know the advances we haven't been able to focus on since his majesty demand we start training his most 'clever' soldiers in magic they can use on the battlefield.

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>>25308649

Don't we have an agreement with the king? He keeps supplying us funding and we keep supplying him not being turned into a lizard?

Or was that the last king?

>>25308786
I tried to check but I can't remember how to speak lizard, so I'm not sure if we always had this lizard or not.

>>25308809
Didn't we have a lizardfolk ambassador from the swamps come here and someone threatened to turn him into a human?

>>25308847
>>25308809
Christ.

Ok, look, somebody pick up one of those druids over in the old nature preserve. They should be able to sort this out.

And can somebody call up those necromancers we have in the basement? Tell them if they can't get us something to show off every now and again to inspire fear and respect, they're, ha, dead weight.

Don't use that phrasing of course. Puns tend to rile them up.

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>>25308594

I send a Silver Golem back in time to provide proof before he even asks.

>>25308922
Well then this guy wouldn't be here asking for proof, now would he? If we sent that golem back? Either you're making a paradox now, or you're sending it to another stream of time and whatnot, and that doesn't really help us HERE, right?

>>25308991

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

Ok, wait guys, I got this. I got this.

Give him... This purse. Tell him that it's a maaaagic purse that hold the results of our recent bouts of "turning stuff into gold because". Then tell him that, and here's the good part, only the "wise" can see the gold due to, i dunno, magical fluctuations or sometin.

Honestly, it's a leather sack, but to bring attention to this fact, he has to say he doesn't see anything.

>>25309149
And what are you going to suggest next, then hmm? Robes so fine and dazzling, only the wise may gaze upon its glory and you'll just give it to the prince?

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>>25308594
I have an idea...

I show him the end results of my attempts at turning people into things-that-aren't-people.

I do this by turning him and his retinue into small dogs. Possibly corgwn.

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YO, CHECK MY RIDE, FRESH PRINCE!

whelp, I guess it's time to clone a new prince. throw this in the pit with the others.

>>25309136
Well that's cause you never "explain" anything to us. Whenever we ask, you always just go "Ah, if only you knew" or somesuch.

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Why don't we just steal the castle and everyone in it?

>>25309250
>why can't we torrent all the knowledge from the Acashic Records into our library?

>>25309284
Because the celestial spheres will send us an angry message that we've been using more than our allotted amount of aethereal data.

>>25309284
Do you know what happened to the last guys who tried that? They blew up the library is what happened.

>>25309250
Because that sort of actions attracts heroes. You know how I feel about heroes. Nothing ever works out when heroes are about.

>>25309250
this sounds like isaac and muria

>>25309284
because we need melfina to get into the record

Danzin, get my walking robes!

---

Yes, of course we're going to build a new academy with the automata from last October.

---

No, they're still fine. Look, we won't have near as many casualties this time.

>>25309216
Didn't we fill the prince pit?

I'm not saying that your idea is without merit, but we'd have to dig another pit.

Even with magic, digging pits is awful.

>>25309247

I was kinda hoping someone else would get the reference and explain it.

See the guy there in the picture I posted? He sent a Silver Golem back in time. The act destroyed his academy. In the ruins were various pockets of fast and slow time, because the act fucked time up. Eventually, the academy is nearly destroyed again from an army that was growing in a fast time bubble. It was saved, rebuilt, and then eventually occupied by another army. Said army was destroyed by a massive explosion that fucked time yet more, to the point where existence itself was flipping its shit and time spiraled out of control.

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Let's turn the royal yacht into a sandwich.

>>25309415

Have you considered machinating the potatoes and having them do it for us?

>>25309458
Better idea: What if we turn the sandwich...

And bare with me now.

...Into TWO SANDWICHES!

>>25309451
... And you wanted to do this?

This is why I hate time wizards. Nothing but paradoxes and time distortions from them.

>>25309469
Yes and it doesn't work. They always turn on you for some reason. Besides, the cooks get upset when they go to peel the potatoes and they start screaming.

I swear, it's like the universe has this thing about digging holes. I had to dig the last prince hole for chrissakes! By hand!

>>25309499
It's an obtuse M:tG reference, specifically to Karn(a silver golem who became a planeswalker), and the set Time Spiral.

>>25309451
Urza actually started out making war machines and selling them to royalty

>>25308692
Two... undead imps?

>>25309542

You... You are joking, right?

What even is your school?

>>25309549

Also, the Planeswalker that made Karn, Urza (See the file name).

Let's use geomancy to make them naval shipyard. We don't have one yet, every proper country should have one!

Yes, I know this is landlocked country, why?

>>25309584
Look, magic is finicky under the best of circumstances. It's hardly my fault if it takes offense to some ideas in particular.

Besides, there's just something wrong about your mashed potatoes asking you to put them out of their misery.

>>25309687

You should have studies Technomancy.

And before you ask, no, most of my augments were not necessitated from mishaps involving my own machinations.

>>25309822
...

Aren't you the reason we aren't allowed near the new school they're building? Something about, what was it... "Hulking terrors of metal and fire killed half of our workers"?

I say we send over Cassandra, have her divine the future for the king.

>Look, I know she can't ACTUALLY tell the future, but with any luck the king won't know that, right?

>>25309917
It's not really his fault. The foreman threw a fit about, "stupid piles of scrap replacing hard-working men and women," used a lot of off-color words, just generally pissed the automata off.

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>>25308594
You want the proof?

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PROOF!

I used magic to carve a visible imp cock on the moon. Is that better, o prince?

>>25310012
And I SAY that we should get that under control. I mean really, I don't want to be the one that has to explain the situation when some blithering idiots get drunk and decides to gesticulate their anger towards one of the scrap-heaps.

Look, turning some man into a lizard every so often? That's keeping up the fear. Causing armies to rage out of control? I just don't like the sound of it, no sir.

>>25310162

Well, if you Alterationists didn't try to give my automatons COMPLETE SENTIENCE, we wouldn't have a problem.

>>25310183
Wait, what? They did what?

Damnit, people, just because it looks human doesn't mean that it has to think like one, too! You're giving the school of Alteration a worse name!

I mean, really, we already get the short end of the stick when it comes to being called perverts! Now you want to be responsible for creating sentient metal armies? The hell, people?

>>25310225
You should've seen the debacle that happened after they got high and awoke all the sex toys in the Experienced Halfling Discount Sexshop.

I still hear the screams.

>>25310183
And I keep saying that it's all or nothing. You give things like that a bit of sentience and it grows till it's complete. And you can't have it any other way, oh no. We tried them without sentience for a while there. Problem becomes that they have no judgement, take things to lit'rally.

Remember when that one guy asked one to bring him the mail? We had to track the damn thing down across the city and we found it with a large sack of letters on it's back, stealing the mail from some little old lady.

I use Prestidigitation

Has never steered me wrong before

>>25310288
Wasnt that little old lady a crazed bomber who wanted to bring down the establishment with her explosive rune chain letters?

Happy accident if you ask me.

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Okay, king. Stand up and let me show you what the Splicing, Enhancement, Magical Evolution, and Abominations of Science department has been working on lately. No sudden movements, the Buttshark is attracted to them. It can also smell fear.

What if we clone the prince and turn the original prince into a princess?

>>25310288
Things like elementals have a form of pseudo-sentience; instinct with just enough reason to function. Why not just update the older models that have elementals bound into them and have them do the work?

People trust the older models. They recognize them, too, so it solves both problems.

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I will bind the soul of an orphan into gelatin.

>>25310357
Or we just present buttshark,
Terrify them into funding us.

>>25310321
I... well, yes, but a lot of people still wound up without their mail that day, and we still had to explain what happened to the postmaster.

And it's not like that's the only time it happened, no-sir. I asked one of them to dig me a hole once. We still don't know how far it is now, and we ended up having to seal the hole after the fourth student fell in.

>>25310380
That could work... Only problem there is that we have to be careful with that. Those sorts of things tend to explode when made wrong. And not right away, neither.

I still remember that story bout the orphanage...

>>25310528
Gentlemen? Esteemed wizards of the board?

Why do w have a buttshark?

>>25310364
You'd create the next legendary hero, and while this would solve the issue with that wild dragon we totally had no part in, it wouldn't end well for us most likely.

Besides, too many of you are thinking too broad, besides you sir Wakko. What you all are suggesting is far too great, for these nobles keep asking for more when we show proof. So lets show perhaps only a barely working golem, whilst we have the abilities and workings to make them by the hundreds. Or a dancing skeleton, no real improvements but it sure does entertain folk like him.

Otherwise, god help us, we'd have to start working with experimental and unknown arts just to keep up demands if we go all out here and now.

>>25310565

So we have another prince-hole, just covered up?

Prince-hole plan it is!

>>25308922
That sounds like a good way to blow up time. Wasn't blowing up a continent enough for you?

>>25310603
Well, we're still not entirely sure that demons won't pop out of it...

I mean, I don't know why they WOULD, but a couple of the demonologists got REAL shady when we brought up the hole...

>>25310587
Don't we work with experimental and unknown arts anyway?

>>25310637
I heard rumors from a traveling master of spacial arts that the golem stopped. After overthrowing the realm of a god of death.

>>25310587
What if we cloned the prince a bit more then?

>>25310684
Yes, but we can afford those lost students and other commoners because they fit into the timescale. And we all know that time is not something we want to mess around with just to keep deadlines.

Besides, you know just as well as I do we don't even share a quarter of what we make in that field with each other.

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Why don't we just scrounge up some artifact weapon and give him one. I think I have a vorpal sword of +36 blowjobs and +2 Endurance lying around.

>>25309473
That sounds like fighter work.

>>25310586
Because sometimes a man needs a shark. For butt things.

>>25310740
In a surprisingly meta moment I have at least 6 versions of that comic in my 'Funny' folder.
Because I can never remember the filename and so just save it under whatever I thought it was that week.

>>25310716
Well, that would almost certainly give him an archnemesis to combat against time to time, but if we ever catch the prince-to-be-princess she would be saved by them. One clone is enough, and that idea in itself is still a foolish one.
>>25310740
And god help me if princess-clone was to get that weapon, we're doomed, those plans should be forgotten and left to rot.

>>25310733
That's only cause it funnels back into our experiments, and you know that!

Well, that and drinking.

>>25310790
What if we keep a few clones for ourselves for experimentation?

>>25310821
Mmm, perhaps for some cases, others though I know are hiding things. Rather interesting things when you find out about them too, but they rather not tell just yet, because they haven't fully got them down yet.

Except the ones about drinking, those ones we all learn one way or another.

>>25310896
Because they are clones of the prince, right? That's why we had a prince hole. Start experimentin on clones of the prince, people start thinking you're experimentin on the prince himself. Then come the torches and pitchforks.

You know my feelings on torches and pitchforks.

>>25310586
Because Splicing, Enhancement, Magical Evolution, and Abominations of Science is full of fucking weirdos who like to make terrifying shit. You can't even go into the basements without a light anymore because of those fuckers. We lost ten students that way before we figured out that SEMEAS had caused a grue infestation.

>>25310941
What if we gave the people their own personal prince or princess?

>>25310941
>Not having at least one each of Pitchforks to Porpoises and Snuff Fire spells on hand at all times
Do you even wizard, son?

>>25310951
Hey, that shit wasn't OUR fault! Well, not entirely...

In any case, I don't know what SEMEAS wing you've been going into, but the one I go to to tend to my experiments is full of blowjob and tentacle monsters, and unless you're just asexual or hate sex with a fiery passion or something, there's not a damn thing wrong with blowjob and tentacle monsters.

There's also that one guy that's making some kind of bug army at the back, but no one ever pays him any mind. They just figure he's turned on by bugs or something.

What about...

four imps?

>>25308594
Bring him a succubus.
Enjoy unlimited funding forever.

>>25310973
Divorce rates would be through the roof probably. Why are you so insistent on this idea, it is clearly flawed in quite a few ways sir.
>>25310951
Oh dear, I do remember that. Though to be fair, the resulting solution has done wonders for the study of the grue physiology, it was as unfortunate as it was a miracle for shadow-organic synthesis progress.

>>25311028
Because I want to see how far in-bred someone must be until the interesting mutations occur.

>>25308786
That was before he found out how to handle us from this Patrician dude.
I tell ya, things just haven't been the same since then.

>>25310981
Porpoises hurt, most of us updated to Pitchfork to Pillow when it came out three lunar cycles ago.
>>25311058
Then check Arcane Lab #34, I know they've been continuing that experiment with the genetics of the king from ten generations ago.

>>25311058
No "interesting" mutations occur, you just tend to get hemophilia and mental sicknesses.

>>25311090
I thought 34 was where they were storing those cadavers we kept giving the prince?

>>25311090
>Pitchforks to pillows
Kid, you have no respect for the classics. The look on a peasant's face when he's suddenly holding a live porpoise is fucking priceless. Then you just need to add in Enrage or Explode Porpoise as your taste prefers for extra comedy.

*cough* CTNA meeting

>>25311032

>>25311131
Bah, I tried that once. The man just kept whacking me with the thing. Wound up with guts on my robes.

>>25311193
Shit, son, do I have to do everything for you? Cloak of devouring, take it off, say the activating word, and throw it on any peasant that manages to master the enraged porpoise. No more problem.

>>25311228
Didn't...

Didn't some wizard say the word while he was wearing it once?

>>25311303

You know, there's a reason they call me Angor the Excessively Augmented

>>25311131
Classics are nice. Advancement and reworking is far more efficient, and efficiency is what I strive for.
>>25311228
I don't trust those damn cloaks anymore, I swear that my last one ate my regents, and pixie wings are a hard to gather commodity you know.
>>25311118
Also in that lab. They keep expanding it because more strange folk join it... they do good work for what they put out though, many seem to derive a lot of enjoyment from inside there, but most those cadavers have been transfered to Arcana Storage Vault #26-C, after a few of them raised as zombies.

>>25311303
Considering the word was "Sandwich,' it's amazing it hasn't happened more often. We really ought to start feeding the fold in the arts & crafts sweatshops.

This all makes just too much sense...

Could it be that /tg/ is ACTUALLY a bunch of bickering wizards?

>>25308594
"Dearest Prince whatisface,

Today I learned that true friendship is disposing of the body of your friends sponsor after having your research funding cut short well before your studies are complete.

Your loyalist servant,
Clyde the Magician

PS: There's more where this came from."

Send this letter in the mouth of a dead manticore, which also has a collar that reads "Fluffy"

>>25311398
If you want to kill fluffy, you'll have to go through me first.

>>25311303
>>25311344
Now that guy was an idiot. Cloaks of Devouring are fine, you just need to feed them regularly and keep the activating word to something only you know and use.

PRINCE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE GREAT AND WONDERFUL MAGICAL POWER OF ETHER CUBE.

HE HAS BEEN EDUCATED STUPID BY OWN GOVERNMENT INTO BELIEVING FALSEHOOD OF ONENESS OVER QUADRILATERAL MAGIC. PROGRESS IN QUADRILATERAL MAGIC IS THE ONLY WAY TO ENLIGHTENMENT.

>>25311421

It's not my fault my rampant sexism backfired on me! And besides, I didn't figure "Make me a goddamn sammich" counted.

>>25311421
Hah, isn't that the truth. I mean, just pick something unusual. I mean, I picked the word "Fluorescent" and i never-

>>25311447
>>25311466
Le sigh. Some days I despair of the future of the Craft.

>>25311430
Oh man, the ether cube got out again.

Somebody go grab the nets.

>>25311430
ETHERCUBE DOUBLEPLUSUNGOOD DUCKSPEAK. ETHERCUBE UNGOOD UNUSE. ETHERCUBE UNIS PERSON. ETHERCUBE UNLIVE. DOUBLEPLUSGOOD BIG BROTHER. DOUBLEPLUS GOOD PARTY.

Usually, this means millitary applications.
Can we cause any massive explosions? Create an illusory army? Get cadavers to move fast and precisely enough to be good soldiers? Scry on distant locations? Shift the earth to create or destroy fortifications, or make the terrain best suited to our particular mission?

We should also make contact with some civil engineers, for working out useful civilian applications

>>25311679
Oh just be quiet and help me get the ether cube back in it's cage.

>>25311551
>>25311719
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOU IMPRISON YOUR ONE TRUE GOD!

>>25311616
Fuck me, who let out the sociolinguistics virus again?

>>25311779
I think it was the Ether Cube. No idea how it does that, but I've never been good at this Euclidean Geometry stuff you're always hanging on about.

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>>25308594
>The prince wants proof of your progress into the lore of magic or he'll start cutting the funding for the academy. This time though, he won't be satisfied with a shambling cadaver of a criminal or a bound imp. Well?

Surely, prince, you wouldn't cut funding to our all-girls academy what with the new uniforms we have to order?

>>25310586
Whiskey.

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Alright, I'll show him my new experiment, blood sugar sex magic.

>>25311823
Not to object, but the prince would even see that the new uniforms hardly need the budget cut. If anything, he may do it just so we have to cut back on even that.

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>>25311832
I put tiny people with birds and a bunch of other stuff in bottles with dragon menses and boiled them until they created a new homunculus.

I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

>>25312014
Wizards in a nutshell.

>>25312070
Because what do you mean I can't use menstrual blood in my experiment to find a more efficient way of cleaning robes?

Damn things always drag on the ground and get dirty...

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>>25311908

Idea: what if we presented his majesty with a fountain of infinite wine, but this time make sure that it isn't sentient.
Really, why didn't we make sure of that last time?

>>25312318
Because everyone who worked on that project was drunk. The entire time.

>>25308594
Studying healing spells and growth spells have yielded the fastest, sturdiest, hardiest crops to date.

Just don't know how the pests will adapt. May have to keep these secluded and leave regular crops to not encourage such... advancements.

I'm serious, we could be looking at giant ants. Giant spiders and scorpions we can handle, our ancestors did and so shall we but a 30 meter ant queen? I don't want to think of the colony.

>>25312336
Not all of them.
one of them was just spiteful

>>25312405
The thing is, an ant that size would be crushed under its own weight.

>>25312405
Usually the increase in plant size doesn't warrant increase in pest size. Usually. Only 10% of ants and aphids grew when exposed to the food, but unfortunately grasshoppers and locusts increased at a rate closer to 80%. It's also astounding just how quickly they include humans and livestock in their diets after the increase in size.

>>25312529
But...
would THEY know that?

BIG discovery, I've figured out how to make a porcupine excrete venom from its quills. Just think of the potential for them. Fire them from a catapult, put them on shields, DEATHTRAPS. I believe this is quite a breakthrough.

>>25312726
Lame. Call me when you've finished the buggerable hedgehog.

>>25312766
I think an apprentice managed to turn one into a sex toy on the inside, unfortunately he was lost in that previously mentioned locust incident. Shame, he was quite the young mind.

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>>25312405
>our ancestors did and so shall we but a 30 meter ant queen? I don't want to think of the colony.
What's the worst that could happen?

>>25312529
So remember that time I mentioned 'G-Unit alterations?' I wasn't talking about 50 Cent getting shot...

>>25312766
>>25312834
A hedgehog can make a wonderful pet...or companion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1hhzpsj9ms

>>25312529
But! If we can apply an alteration spell to reduce the weight of the main body or a spell of minor levitation on the main body, just enough that it could move. Then we could slap it with a spell of permanency and I could stick the sack of venom I have laying around here somewhere in there and we can have a venom spewing giant ant

>>25314629
>Venom
>Not burning venom that conducts electricity.

I must know, has anyone had luck in geassing the court mage who is actually still loyal to him?
With that dick out of the way we could just mind control the prince.
That, or we could 'expose' the prince as a lich to the church. (I'm still waiting on the blackmail for the paladins, Chad)