>>36589447
Woah, the meeting is going one, this is the first time we have an overtime.
So I understood we need to befriend the other guilds, right?

>>36589447
Thank you Pierre I will sue your notes to begin a counterspell for Jheska's possession.

>>36589505
Correct, We can't afford them attacking us during this time. Plus we may need their help.

>>36589505
Yeah, tentative alliance with the druids. Reaching out to the clerical orders and the fucking bardic college down the road. Pestered their Soros, and I'm 95% positive one of the druids is fucking tuypo in disguise. Should have known the little bastard would go native. Oh, and Noel kept trying to get their soros to sniff her apprentice, remember to give her shit about that.

>>36589540
Do I even want to know?

>>36589540
>>36589505
>>36589539
Greetings, members of the mage's guild. I, Kazran Ka'ban of House Ka'ban, come to you as an envoy form the glorious drow houses of the Underdark, to discuss about pressing matter.

>>36589581
He said Noel smelled like burnt cotton, so she got excited and tried to find out what Sam smelled like. I bribed him with rotting gorgonzola and apparently I smell like sweat, copper, and underdark perfume. Any light you can shed on that would be appreciated by the way.

>>36589581
I find that if you have to ask that you probably don't. Also don't shoot I brought muffins.

Well, my work seems like it is a success, how has the meeting been going? Are we still going to be working with the druids or have they backed out yet?

>>36589626
Speak then.
>>36589636
Well blood can smell like copper, you did sweat a lot recently, And im fairly certain Jheska molested you once or twice.

>>36589638
Peace offering or trap? I wonder.....

>>36589626
AHH
DROW ALERT
DEPLETE THE CATAPULTS
HIDE THE WOMEN
(IF POSSIBLE, IN A FAR PLACE OF WHICH ONLY ME AND ANOTHER EXPENDABLE MINION KNOW THE LOCATION)
EVOKE THE DJINN
RAISE THE KRAKEN
KILL THE ELVES

>>36589626
You had better answer two pressing questions. Why do I smell like drow sex and where the fuck is jheska?

>>36589680
Do the muffins look female?

>>36589680
No, I'm pretty sure the guy could differentiate between iron and copper, plus I've bathed a lot recently.

>>36589687
I will answer to your questions, most egregious wizard, when your armored female companion stops aiming catapults to me.>>36589682

>>36589694
Not that kind of trap. Pervert.

>>36589711
Well if he's a seer, it could mean you're going to get fucked by a drow. Wonder who?

>>36589682
Cromina, stand down. For now.

>>36589723
She's not going to fire them unless you make a bad move. Or refuse to answer our questions and explain yourself. Or did you forget the drow army that marched on our hall not so long ago led by that brown leggy knife eared bitch Jheska?

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37 KB JPG

>>36589742

>>36589756
>>36589742
All catapults on target! Fire at my command! For the glory of asmodeus and the nine hells, fi-
-WHAT? It is a drow! I got stabbed by several drow! SEVERAL TIMES! They are clearly evil!
... well more evil than me!

>>36589783
Questions first, then maybe a killing. Keep that bloodlust in check.

>>36589783
There will probably be plenty of time for stabbing later. For now, let's see what the drow is here for.

>>36589783
Time and a place for everything. Drink this, it'll steady those nerves.

>>36589810
Stabbing you say....

>>36589742
>>36589756
Ahem. If I am allowed to talk, now, I want to make sure you know my presence means no harm. No magical traps on my body, no teleporting beacon for soldiers of the glorious armies of the houses.
I come to you in peace, to seek alliance in times of need, sicne your interests are the same of the Great Houses, to seek and kill the filthy traitor known under the name of Jheska.

>>36589863
Yes, do continue. *eyes glow*

>>36589863
I fucking knew it. So where'd she get the army?

>>36589810
Back in the fighter days, we had nothing of this bullshit, just a book in which was written how many XP was every uncommon race worth...
>keeps muttering

>>36589863
You got my attention, please go on.

>>36589916
Oh don't get me started on the old days or we will both be talking about them all night.

>>36589863
So she betrayed you too then?

>>36589885
>>36589887
This is something we solved yet. The Fae'shan House that was plotting with the human mage Ashburn has been completely destroyed, his members scattered and killed like hunting game animals. No traitor was allowed to stand.
Jheska, as she likes to be known, was exiled from the underdark centuries ago, I... suppose you know what was the reason of her punishment, don't you?

>>36590008
No, do go on. The gratification at being right arouses me. Pay no attention to the fact that the bagginess of my robes draws attention to that.

Here your coffee everyone. Also, this is a sign up sheet for an expedition I shall be leading. Sign up if you want to

>>36590008
Asking that of a Diviner?*snorts* but do continue you'll say it far better than I.
>>36590032
Thank you Mortimer.

>>36590008
Personally I do not think I have been informed of the specifics of her crimes, but knowing her one can guess.

>>36590032
Ah, coffee, just what I needed, thank you Mortimer.

Now what's this expedition you mentioned?

>>36590076
A very, very, very high risk high reward type

>>36590044
>>36590024
She was found... guilty, to say the least, of arbitrarily meddling with the laws that stand as the foundation of the glorious drow society and subverting the natural order of things, not to mention avoiding the punishment her Goddess laid on her. As such, after having been found guilty of the murder of a royal princess, she has been cast into exile, damned to never see her plan coming into fruition.

>>36590117
I'd go, but I'm preparing for a very low risk high reward one myself.

>>36590137
Damn. Well ok then

>>36590131
That sounds more like a list of qualifications honestly.

>>36590117
Yo! And I'm coming along.
But we should really say "Yo" more often, helps with the camaraderie.

>>36590076
Seeing Jake'ness stupidity if you ask me.

>>36590131
So succinct Kazran, so what do you and yours have to offer us?

>>36590117
That sounds PERFECT for an apprentice like me! Where do I sign and when do we leave?

>>36590157
Ok that's one.
>>36590180
You just made it a whole lot harder for me to get people to sign up. Thanks man

You don't say....

>>36590211
Right here
>>36590220
Hello Stabby

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26 KB JPG

>>36590236
Hey Mortimer, muffin?

>>36590156
Your opinions are of no concern, wizard. The threat she poses to everyone, but mostly to the royal house, is.
>>36590180
Her head, on a pike if possible. The gaze of the Goddess reaches far away from the underdark and so does our magic, in other words, we do know her location. We can give this information to you, though... though, we will have to ask something back, as payment if you want.

>>36590212
I value you and your work, but I won't let other go to their doom unknowingly.

>>36590264
What did you do to them?
>>36590270
I can respect that. But still, you made my job a lot harder

>>36590266
I'm just going to not mention any possible complications because I'm sure your divine magics see and know all, so I'm going to ask what kind of payment you'll be asking.

>>36590270
Hey, I do know perfectly I am going to die in five years so no reason to worry.
Although, it is probable that you were not worry about me.

>>36590266
You should trust this guy, he sounds like he knows what he is doing.

>>36590294
I did nothing to them. Why does no one trus-

Dr.Stabby can't keep a straight face at that one.

>>36590266
So what would your price be Drow?
>>36590294
Fair enough, though I still believe this is great folly.
>>36590299
*smirks*
>>36590314
Decommissioning annuls some prophecies Cromina, be mindful of that.
>>36590333
Thought so.

>>36590333
I'll make you those little sandwiches you like if you tell me what you did to them.

>>36590236
Awesome! I can't wait to tell the others I'm actually going on a dangerous expedition, they never thought I would live to see this day. This is going to be awesome, high risk for high pay, what could go wrong?

>>36590349
*I* did nothing to them other then accept them as a gift and bring them here. If you don't trust me, why don't you check it from traps. You still remember how to, don't you?

>>36590389
Change your robe color apprentice, it may save your life.

>>36590401
Yes I do.
>check for traps
Damn it Stabby
>>36590389
Your going to die soon
>>36590420
To late for that. He said one of the phrase you should never say

>>36590299
Nothing that you should be worried about. Just a simple token of respect and trust. We would like to have our precious princess sojourning for the next months, until, say, we had found and killed jheska, in the most warded, guarded and supervised place on this plane... that is your guild. Obviously we trust you not to harm her in any way but, as a little exchange of courtesies, we would like to have one of your number coming to the underdark with us and sojourning into the queen's palace.

>>36590458
*starts laughing* Pierre, the seer was right!

>>36590347
What? No prophecy at all. I am simply going to die in a couple of years, I can't do nothing to stop it so I just roll with it.

>>36590458
The guild hall.....riiiiight.....So, we got any volunteers? Also, can she clean? It's very important that she be able and willing to clean.

>>36590487
May I ask to what? I really don't want to burn the mana to see you're everything to figure it out.

>>36590420
But I got it from this other apprentice a while back, said he was two days away from graduation and that it would bring me luck or something.
>>36590449
I'm going to what? I said what? What did I say!?

>>36590483
He wasn't smelling the future damnit, just whatever was on us at the time. For that matter, if I wanted to bang out a dark elf I've had the opportunity before.

>>36590458
Hi, I'm Dr.Stabby, Jack of all trades and kinda sorta boyfriend of Jheska's. I'm here allll the time.

>>36590508
You know what you said

>>36590508
It's a cursed rob, youngling. You also said a series of words that bring horrible misfortune to those that utter them.

>>36590517
You sure about that?

>>36590458
Who'd you have in mind?

>>36590524
And spying for her most likely.

>>36590492
I say we send Stabby, any objections?

>>36590483
Can you explain the reasons behind your hilarity, wizard?
>>36590492
She has received the best education in the plane, so she is clean and well-mannered as a princess should be, isn't it obvious to you?
>>36590524
>draws an halberd
I have probably misheard your words. Are you what with Jheska?
>>36590546
Let's see... what about your self-proclaimed short-lived knight female, there?

>>36590549
I'm sure stabby won't object to hanging out with drow women.
>>36590546
Yes I'm sure, it all started because he complained about Noel smelling like she set Sam's wardrobe on fire, which she did last week.

>>36590574
No

>>36590549
None here. Might have to bind him and knock him out to get him to go though.

>>36590574
Just a coincidence I found funny at the time. It's of nothing. Also it's Cromina's call.

>>36590587
ARE you SUre?

>>36590574
He means he's wanted to plow Jheska for some time, he isn't actually involved with her. Anyone familiar with him can tell you that he doesn't care for her on a personal level. He just has a thing for drow women.

>>36590508
Oh dear. You're in quite the bit of trouble. Well, if it helps, it'll probably be quick.

Now, does anyone know what happened to all the dire chickens? Fluffy needs his lunch.

>>36590549
I'm not part of your guild.

>>36590574
Me and her fuck like animals all the time. sometimes I break us in here and we do it on Soros's bed.

>>36590604
Yes I'm sure, I smelled it myself and couldn't place what it was.

>>36590633
So you're going to willingly miss out on a palace full of drow women?

>>36590633
Damn it Stabby

>>36590633
For a thief you are a horrible lair.

>>36590646
Then that means Jheska likely took you for a ride my friend.

>>36590506
Burning from within probably. You see, I was not exactly, ehr- suited to be a spellcaster. Not at all. But since I wanted power I kinda, ehr, bargained for it. It was nice and all but the magic power is effectively cleaving trough my body. So that's it, I got some more to leave and then I'll go to the nine hells, I hope. There I'll try to sort it out with Big A.
>>36590604
ehr, why not. I am in BDSM and killing me is really just accelerating the things of five years tops.
>>36590593
I get you wanted me to come with you but there are better wizards than me to ask to, don't worry.

>>36590675
liar* sorry.

>>36590669
........
>>36590574
I surrender, take me away.

>>36590675
.....I feel dirty and I'm going to down a few potions of cure disease. I'm also sleeping at my restaurant for a while.

>>36590689
Ok then.

>>36590528
It's the part about how I would live to see this day isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have gotten ahead of myself.
>>36590546
They are cursed? Are you sure? The guy who gave it to me seemed fine, in fact I saw him yesterday. Told me some story about door duty or something.
>>36590627
...that does help a bit, thank you.

>>36590707
Seriously, how did you not pick up on that sooner?

>>36590729
Well, your status has upgraded from coming to die to person who will constantly get knocked around but not die

>>36590734
I blame old age.

>>36590689
Most appreciated, Knight. Trust is everything in alliances.

>>36590633
>>36590707
You. I do not sense magic coming out of you, so what are you, some kind of rogue? Whatever. You are saying you both had relationships with Jheska AND polluted the body of a drow, albeit traitor, with your semen?
This will not stand. Prepare to die, pathetic little rogue!

>>36590729
Someone wearing a red robe always dies first when things go badly on an expedition. ALWAYS it's become a rule of creation at this point.

>>36590711
Also exterminate any spiders you see.

>>36590734
He isn't that bright.

>>36590775
Well this is going to get bloody.

>>36590727
you know, for a moment I felt like you were trying to keep me at your side and were concerned about my well being. It is good to see you are not.

>>36590775
Don't, please, for the love of everything. You're just going to get stabbed to death and back to life. It isn't worth it. I asked him to teach me to fight and he just locked me in his basement for a week and beat me unconscious every time I woke up.

>>36590763
That sounds A LOT better, better than death at least.
>>36590779
...huh?

...

Sooooo... I should get someone to come with me and wear this robe instead?

>>36590818
He's jealous of potential male rogues. Now kisssssssssssss. I've only got a week to finish my guild romance bingo card.

>>36590775
Dr.Stabby springs back

Easy son. Someone, namely everyone but me could get hurt.

>>36590822
Are you saying that old man is no match for the head of the Black Guard, Kazran of House Ka'ban? Do not be stupid, wizard. I'll chop his head with but a single motion!

>>36590825
Yes. Also, what magic do you specialize in?
>>36590818
You made your decision . I'm not going to argue with you
>>36590835
That's not it!
>>36590854
Oh this not going to end well for you

>>36590854
Black Guard? As in a fighter type?

Dr.Stabby frowns.

>>36590854
No, I'm saying that he is not a normal rogue. He's more like the legendary old fart that up and coming rogues go to get their asses kicked by so they can hopefully learn something.
>>36590867
Oh come off it, you'll nevver get the girl if you don't tell her how you feel. Besides, I read both your diaries.

>>36590893
Come here, so that I may bash your head in with my club

>>36590835
I'm not going to kiss anyone, Pierre. And you got a spider on your shoulder by the way, but do not kill him or the drow will be reaaaaaally mad about it.
>>36590854
I wholeheartedly support you.
>>36590893
I have NOT a diary!

>>36590893
Good stuff rig-

Dr.Stabby springs back from another swing.

>>36590881
It is fear what I see? Or scorn maybe? You don't like fighters, traitor fucker?
>slash at his throat
>>36590893
None will be sad if he stops breathing, than.

>>36590867
Well I wouldn't say I'm specialized in anything yet, but I do know a fair deal of elemental spells.
So when is the expedition leaving? Man, I can't wait to tell my brother about this when we get back.

>>36591015
Stop tempting fate, you dolt

>>36590967
Haha don't be silly, why would an-

Dr.Stabby rolls back again but receives a cut. he then tosses some knifes at the drow.

-yone afraid of fighter types? Defiantly NOT this guy.

>>36591064
Hey, I AM half fighter, uneducated swine!

>>36590923
If you strike me down, I will become more powerful and sexy than you can possibly imagine!
>>36590926
THEN EXPLAIN WHY I WROTE IN THIS PINK FLOWERY BOOK? YOU THINK YOU CAN WITHSTAND MY CONSPIRATORIAL MATCHMAKING SKILLS?

>>36591064
Aren't Fighters you big weakness?

>>36590926
>>36590923
Will you 2 just fuck and say you love each other already?

>>36590689
You do realize I can fix a simple Mana overload right?

>>36591126
Your almost as bad as jheska when it comes to thing like this soror

>>36591064
Your knife are nothing to my armor, rogue. But this is not the place nor the moment to further our feud: Your life will be taken for the glory of House Ka'ban and the drow as a whole, however, and sooner than you can imagine.
>>36591097
>>36591126
I demand an answer then. Is your guild going to accept the alliance?

>>36591171
Sure, Cromina said yes.

>>36591169
Yes, but it comes from exasperation born of affection instead of joy born of malice.

>>36591171
Hold on, this is important, I've been trying to get these two to hook up for months now. And yeah, we're just quibbling on who to send. I also seriously advise that you do not continue to attack Stabby, he will kill you and you need this alliance as much as we do by the sound of things.

>>36591086
Which is why I only half respect you.

>>36591126
>Pic related

>>36591171
Dr.Stabby thinks better about pointing out that you are probably not always in armor.

Does this mean you won't take me to your women?

>>36590627
Well, three fleshwarpers? Where's Lupa when you need her? I must say that this is a most welcome addition to the guild. More collaboration opportunities are always welcome. I specialize in self-modification, what is your specialty?

>>36591126
Who the fuck do you think I am, Noeal? Listen to me, mort is nice but there is only sex between us. And only occasionally.
And about the mana overlaod, I'm sorry you can't do that. Well, at least you can if you go talking the big heads of the nine hells but then I will lose my power. And I prefer to blaze bright and high than to glow faintly and lastingly.

File: shhhhh.jpg (57 KB, 640x640)

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>>36591238
>>36591126
Fucking hell

>>36591248
You up for an expedition?

>>36591266
I prefer the term smolder. And you should reeeaaallly see what he writes about you. Might even change your mind.

>>36591266
Added to my to do list then. Also love finds everyone Cromina. You're just Lucky Mort won't break under your touch... unless he wants too. In the mean time *places a sigil in hand* That should extend what time you have by a good two to three years.

>>36591307
First off, it's a log, not a diary. Second, there is a fucking huge spider on your back

>>36591298
Where to? I must have a reason to actually travel, though this will be a good time to try out my spider-leg body modification. Is there a rare specimen I can find?

>>36591238
I will never take you nowhere near a drow woman as anything else than a human sacrifice

>>36591307
Am I going to wait some more then? The leaders of the Houses demand an answer and they are not known for their patience

>>36591341
We are going to the Northern Barrens, so maybe

>>36591349
Dr.Stabby claps and rubs his hands together

I'm willing if you are. Bitches love human sacrifices.

>>36591333
Uh, thank you I guess. But worry not, I am not fryia, I am completely, unapologetically evil, love has no ties on me.

>>36591336
I am internalizing my horrified screams, as I recognize the smell of horny spiders. Someone dispell it please. Seriously, at least tell her how you feel so you have some closure. What have you got to lose?

>>36591407
*doubles over laughing* S-sss-Sure Cromina.

>>36591364
Second question, why do you want me? There are plenty of other mages that have wider talents than I do. Unless it's healing or creating creatures and self modification, I am pretty much useless.

>>36591453
How many healers do you think we have here? You were off on some project when we were attacked, so you missed me going to town with a needle and thread. The fact that that happened should tell you some things.

>>36591421
Actually, spiders are s..sacred. So you must not. Harm. Them. Here, I'll take it off for you.
You smell oddly of drow pherormones, wizard. May I ask you why?

>>36591453
I'm taking who ever I can get. Also, we are being accompanied by an apprantice who wear's a red cloak

>>36591421
Dr.Stabby chucks a knife at the spider.

>>36591364
Don't worry boy, I'm sure you and cromina will bump uglies by at least season 5.

>>36591491
I wish I knew for certain. All I know is that I feel rather violated and want to go cry on a chamber pot, stuffing my face with fatty foods and leaving the door open.

>>36591491
Jheska raped him in his sleep apparently.

>>36591502
*Tentacle deflects knife into the ground* REally? Trying to start more shit?

>>36591364
Northern Barrens you say?

You think you could bring my apprentice whit you, I'm sure he will bring down the tower with his incompetence any day now. He would probably make a good meat shield though, unless you already have someone for that.

>>36591502
>chucks a knife at the spider.
HOLD!
>stops the knife mid air
ARE YOU AN IDIOT? DO YOU WISH TO SPOIL THE ALLIANCE WE MADE?

>>36591534
It left my hand right as he said it. as in I completely missed it.

>>36591476
Oh for fucks sake, you bitches keep making fun of the fleshwarpers for the kinky shit but when you need a god damn arm regrown. I swear, you guys need to at least get some basic healing magic training to be in the guild.

>>36591502
That's a guaranteed way to kick yourself out of the game down there, you know that right? No harming spiders, no badmouthing their goddess, no stabbing higher ranking people than the one you are going for. They'll like you, but the political turmoil will ruin any chance of getting lucky. Best to off ambitious underlings vying for their position.

>>36591579
God luck getting that amendment passed. Lupa's tried 3 times now.

>>36591502
I'm going to feed you to my pets if you keep this up sir.
>>36591536
The more the merrier

>>36591534
This would be in her style, I recognize.
>>36591586
Intelligent for a human, and wise. I can leave the princess in good care, then....?

>>36591626
Yes, but I'd suggest my restaurant over the guild hall. We're working on repairs from jheska's little stunt still.

>>36591626
So since the alliance is all but signed I have one question. Is she allowed to learn Surfacer magic?

>>36591626
Well for her to truly be safe, You'll need to take me with you. You'd be protecting her v- Dr.Stabby coughs

>>36591248
Oh, I've been here a while, I just keep forgetting to graduate. Apprentices get ALL the best jobs, you know?

I specialize in hybridizing animals, though I've dabbled in self modification. I've got a dozen or so spare bodies lieing around... which reminds me. Any of the departments got a surplus of apprentices?

I lost a few bodies in the mess with the Kerberos/Terrasque hybrid fiasco. I need to replace them.

>>36591673
Don't make me get conjuration to summon a hell knight to guard her.

>>36591601
At least there are three of us fleshwarpers now, we are essentially the medics of the guild. Sad as that may be. Don't blame us if you end up as one of our experimental subjects though. We rarely have humans to use as control groups and test groups. On my end, I just add metabolic and hormonal tweaks, Lupa is more liberal with that shit.

>>36591646
The Houses instead that it should be the guild, I am afraid.
>>36591656
It depends of what surfacer magic is, but besides, she is yet into divine magic.
>>36591673
We will make sure you will never be able to harm her, this is certain.
>>36591543
Come forth then hostage, and prepare yourself for the wonders of the underdark are not for the faint of heart.

>>36591700
I don't work when I'm on sexcation.

>>36591719
I make sure my kids know basic healing but most other departments won't. Also Lupa know not to warp me with all the magical afflictions I have. Nearly killed her alt time on accident.

>>36591754
Meant common arcane spells, evocation, conjuration, divination, necromancy etc. etc.

>>36591754
*sighs heavily*
Of course they do. Also, stabby has decided to accompany you. You will soon learn what we put up with here.

>>36591754
I can teach her how to garden if that's alright with you, after the expedition of course

>>36591699
Oh my, quite interesting. I'm more than willing to give you a few cruelty free bodies, I clone them without a few key things needed for true sentience. You can add those parts yourself. I pride myself on being a bit more moral in my testing practices.

>>36591813

>>36591802
Stabby will not accompany me. If I am even to see him in the underdark, or hear of his exploits, I am going to kill the hostage on the spot. Did I make myself clear?

>>36591861
He isn't technically part of our guild, we have no control over the little shit. Please kill him if you can. As for Cromina, well she pretty tough took out the entire royal guard of that fallen house herself.

>>36591861
He's not a part of our guild, and we can't do anything to stop him. For that matter, Cromina isn't easy to kill either. I'm telling you about him going as a warning for your sake.

>>36591861
Too late, Pierre convinced me I need to go on sexcation. Don't Worry mort, I'll make sure nothing untoward happens to your bonny lass. when I can be asked to.

>>36591886
>>36591906
Shut up you two. For you non-lawful types this means nothing but he is right and if something like that happens I will track down stabby, take his head and present it to krazan hoping this will sate his anger, rather than trying to stop his blade from severing my neck just because I wish to live a little more.
>>36591943
Don't, doc. Just don't.

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>36591943
>club over head

>>36591886
>>36591906
>>36591943
Then no pact shall be made. Either you restrain him or there will be no alliance between us and the Mage's Guild

>>36592022
Are tentacles okay with you for restraints? I can do that.

>>36592022
Fine. *while Mortimer distract Stabby I throw a bouncy ball at him*

>>36592022
Can you just take him prisoner instead of hostage? You've probably got better tools to extract information about Jheska from him than we do.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>36591974
Ha, you mis-
>>36592022
Ouch. Oh no, I have been mortally wounded.
>Bluff

>>36592059
Charisma was your dump stat, I guess.
>>36592051
>>36592052
I'll ask the Houses on this. Knight, come forth now, we are leaving. The princess is scheduled to arrive in minutes.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>36592059
>ball shot
Be quite Stabby

>>36591820
Wooonderful! I'm sure they'll fight less, if nothing else. I can return the favor by sharing some of the parts from the basilisk I hunted in the sewers last week.

>>36592059
>>36592022
Well, I could just feed him to one of my pets?

>>36592115
*Wraps Stabby up with Drow hair bindings.*
Coughed it up during one of my fits.

>>36592051
It works? Impressive.
>>36592113
Yeah, yeah, take me to the riv- ehr, underdark. I am ready to go.
good night guys, it was fun as always

>>36592131
Oh my word, just what the doctor ordered. I want an eye please.

>>36592131
I would deeply appreciate it.
>>36592158
>walks away with cromina behind him

>>36592152
Yeah fine okay.

>>36592115
You have been practicing your sneak attacks!
Dr.Stabby sounds a little too happy about that.

>>36592158
Have fun, stay safe, try not to think too longingly of Mort while you're away.

All right. I have to go prepare for the expedition. See you then everybody. Also, the purpose of our expedtion is to find Jake'ness and convict him to decommission Jheska

>>36592152
I never took you for being into S&M, Soros.

>>36592230
This sounds like a spectacularly bad idea that will probably lead to tracking down Jheska and getting the other half of that recommissioning ritual from her.

>>36592113
Ah shit, we should probably get some quarters ready. Who's up for babysitting?

>>36592264
I'm not, this shit was literally vomited out of my mouth during a bad flare up of chaos blight. Saved it for study. Then had it enchanted with you in mind because of your shenanigans. It's effect is rather simple, you break out of or cut the ropes without saying the command word. You lose the ability to arouse or be aroused by Drow, forever.

>>36592264
You have no clue how I am in bed. I'm ten times better, or worse, depending on how you look at it.

>an honor guard burst in, followed by an herald
*ehm* I announce the princess of the great royal house, heir to the spider throne, future scourge of the surface dwellers, Jheska the Fourth, daughter of Jheska the Third.
>drow princess enters the hall, looking rather bored, on top of a giant spider.

>>36592406
I....................am at a loss for words.

>>36592333
uh huh... Neat.

>>36592406
Hey baby! mind getting your step father out of a bind?

>>36592406
*eye twitches before I smile* There had better be an explanation forthwith or i'm going to the underdark and letting everything that keeps me sane go all at once.

>>36592450
*stomps on Stabby's head* Shut up cretin.

>>36592466
*You stub your toe on his thick skull*

>>36592466
They didn't say which drow princess she killed, or what her station was beforehand. You want to go get drunk? I think the situation calls for it. Our lives have officially become a comedy of errors.

>>36592484
>Implying a stomp and a kick are the same thing. If it was a kick that might've worked.

>>36592501
I am far too angry for a drink to do me or anyone else any good Pierre *3 more tentacles pop out of back*

>>36592466
Greetings, members of the mage's guild (it is it, it isn't? Right). I am Jheska the Fourth, daughter of queen Jheska the third, and I've been instructed to stay here and learn about your unusual ways...
>>36592501
>>36592466
>>36592426
... what is with those humans, herald? They are not bowing down and they keep talking about weird stuff.
Humans! I demand an answer! What is the reason on your weird behavior?

>>36592523
good point
I honestly find this hilarious that you didn't see this coming. Also fuck you. Dr.stabby coughs out.

>>36592553
We're mages, we don't bow, you're a guest here, no one told us you would look exactly like, and have the same name as Jheska the Traitoress, and now I have to make that distinction.

>>36592553
*in High Drow* We do not bow because here you have no power. Magical strength is all that is respected here. Your position of birth and politics is worthless here.

>>36592581
Behave and 'ill heal you up.

>>36592581
I've had a long day. Soros dragged me into the creepy room that I had to divulge the contents of in the name of guild security, and now I need to move it somewhere else. Fortunately I won't need help.

>>36592553
Well, I'm irreverent because I have a dozen spare bodies, I build monsters that make you look like a tiny kitten, and, well, I'm a mage.

Mages bow to no one.

>>36592628
Don't even think of letting her in that room. By the by.

>>36592553
Let me out and I'll behave. besides it's not like I'd kill and or have sex with my stepdaughter.

>>36592553
How are you doing sweet heart? I brought muffins!

>>36592650
can I make her sign a blood oath to never discuss the contents, nor utilize any knowledge gleaned inside?

>>36592612
>Eyes widen
I... How dare you, insolent wizards! Pollute not the tongue of my people with your silly reasoning.
>>36592588
I am afraid you are talking about previous queen. It'll be my mother, yes.
>>36592651
>sniffs the muffins
herald, check for poison before I am to eat them.

>>36592651
<Silence> I said shut up Stabby. I am in no mood.

>>36592664
No, i'll get my apprentices to clean up if you are that desperate.

>>36592651
>>36592553
Don't eat his muffins. Keep in mind that due to your status as a hostage, you are amongst equals here, not inferiors.

>>36592669
Dr.Stabby tries to warn that he needs to untrap the muffin basket first but is silenced by a spell.

>>36592669
Look, you can either accept the insolence or have a bad time here. The guild runs on insolence and irreverence.

>>36592669
Numbnuts over here *points at Stabby* trapped those, don't touch elfling. Also we will not bow and scrape for you here. Your mother learned that the hard way.

>>36592713
Dr.Stabby would like to point out that *He* did not trap those. but he can't. Silence.

>>36592713
Why does it keep happening Soros?

>>36592678
I am not an hostage. I am a guest.
>>36592713
And since I have the favor of Lolth, which my mother did not have, I do belive none can say to be "equal" with me.

>>36592724
<lifts the spell> Be good our it'll be black tentacles next.

>>36592757
Cosmic Irony?

>>36592780
As someone who ahs destroyed her material avatar more times than I care to count, Who cares?

>>36592780
Hostage, guest, it amounts to the same thing. Did they not inform you about how the guild works? If I didn't know better, I'd say that they were hoping Noel would see you and snap immediately.

>>36592833
I do not know what a "Noel" is. But Kazran while make it as no one cold harm me, as he has done since my mother tried to kill me.

>>36592780
I can do spider tricks too, without the pesky favor of Lolth. All it takes is the proper pheromones.

>>36592805
Dr.Stabby sighs and starts subvocalizing words and phrases. He starts with the list of things he is least likely to say. The first, for those of you that read lips is, "Soros is right".

>>36592871
He dumped you on us for protection. I suppose you need to know a few things. Your mother led an army here, took control of the body and mind of Noel's lover, who was a valued friend and ally to many of us, brought back several old enemies of the guild, and destroyed large portions of our home. You do not have any protection here other than us. My advice would be to lay low, and not make enemies.

>>36592887
*rolls eyes*
>>36592871
So since you are here and more or less stuck here for the duration, which school is going to be your major apprentice?

>>36592919
Any bets on if its yours, mine, or noel's? I'd say probably not Noel's, she doesn't deserve this much cosmic irony.

>>36592919
She's going to learn Stabomancy! Not as good as stabupuncture but I figure she's here to learn magic, not art.

>>36592906
I do have Lolth's blessing. Also that is her style, she has done this kind of things since before the exile.
>>36592919
>>36592947
Tell me more about this "Noel", please, I am curious about... her? Him?

>>36592947
No bet, odds are the girl going to want to blow shit up with fire.

>>36592952
We do not have a stabomantic class Stabby, sorry. If she wants to learn from you after this is done feel free.

>>36592991
Noel is the female head of the Pyromantic department. She makes fire lots of it and burns her enemies to the ground with it. Odds are she will not like you do to parentage.

>>36592993
Thats going to be a safety concern.
>>36592991
She's a sorceress specializing in pyromancy, and is going to kill you on sight if this doesn't get explained to her before she sees you. She also already has an apprentice, and if any harm comes to said apprentice, she is not going to take you on.

>>36593021
Which the kid learning to toss fire or learning from the rogue after this alliance is concluded?

>>36593008
>>36593021
So she hates Mother, it seems, and is really passionate about it... I like this lass. I will gladly learn from her.
Also, can I ask you who said lover was? An handsome and dashing man, I take it for sure.

>>36593067
I'd say the kid's concern being anywhere near Noel. Also, make sure she's not just an immature double. I'm tired of all the fast ones that keep getting pulled on us.

Dr.Stabby keeps subvocalizing, starting on a new list. That being most common command word used by those at the guild. The first is "It's magic, I don't have to explain it."

>>36593082
A woman named Fryia the Crow, possibly one of the greatest witches of our age. rmsaacp edification.

>>36593082
Only if you like having your skin slough off your bones in a maelstrom of hellfire kid.
Her lover was Fryja the Crow who you're mother trained as her protégé. You're mom is currently wearing her like a meat suit.

>>36593089
I checked she check out on the basics, she'd have to sit down for the advanced ones.

>>36593104
Indeed.

>>36593147
Well, I'm sure she'll oblige.

>>36593111
...
Fryia, you say. This is curious. Mother always went away from the Underdark instead of, say, attending her duties, before I was born, or so Kazran says. And even when I was she kept doing it and when she was home, she talked to Lolth about how this one human named Fryia has grown powerful and loved her and thoguht she was like mother for her.
Then she killed my sister, tried to kill me, and fled.
But this one you talk about can not possibly be the same Fryia that took my mother away from me, am I right?

Dr.Stabby starts guessing randomly now

>>36593220
Wait what? When she first showed up here she told us she had been exiled. Also, Fryia saw her as a friend, and then when Fryia went and found herself a lover, your mother went apeshit, committed suicide via soros, and promptly started wearing Fryia like a meat suit. Fryia wasn't responsible for any of this.

>>36593262
This cannot be. She was only exiled one century and a half ago, after all.

>>36593285
Well gang, looks like its another shocking revelation about old Jheska lying. Please tell me you brought some kind of royal booze, because I am just about tired of dealing with your mother. Oh, and if you know any way to keep her out of a bedroom, I am all kinds of ears at this point.

>>36593262
Sorry for being so late guys, I had to help an old lady with some errands before I found the meeting place at the Black Fortress to be completely empty.

Took me hours to find you guys here!

>>36593262
Logic on a Drow, a child at that. You know better.

>>36593220
*rubs forehead* This is going to be a long day.

>>36593285
You mom has been with the guild for Millenia little one. Very rarely do mages age normally. Yes Fryja is that old and she is still considered young by our standards. I was here when the guild was formed. It was just after Eirlena the Cruel, Seventh leader of house Ashtaris got beheaded. Hell I saw the bitch off and waved.

File: 1403824025021.jpg (142 KB, 650x440)

142 KB JPG

Okay, I'd just like to thank whoever it is that gifted me with sapience. Seriously, I love this - I mean, cooking? Why did I never try this before?

>>36593319
What should I do? Tell her to go try and be best friends with Noel, what could possibly go wrong?

>>36593347
I was just saying you're normally smoother than that.

>>36593342
Try the enchanters or fleshwarpers Mammoth

>>36593314
We haven't met there in years Anderson.

>>36593299
I'll give you some Lolth blessed charms that will block her if you...
>>36593319
No way! I mean, my mother became queen 600 years ago but... I mean, non ever knew that she...
She grew this Fryia to be her child then? And your guild to be her kingdom?

>>36593319
Wait, how old is she? She was apparently around when Fryja was growing powerful. I am so many kinds of confused and I can't get spider venom liqueur anymore, and I have a sudden itching desire to look behind the curtain in the creepy room but the time isn't right, and I just want to go play restaurant owner.

>>36593378
Thanks! ...uuuh which way are those again?

>>36593379
If I what? And yes, she wanted to take control of the guild. She also wants there to be a guild to take care of, so we keep getting cryptic hints about dangers to come.

>>36593378
Huh, that's odd. This is the 50th time in a row that I go to the wrong meeting place occupied by various monsters. I think someone might be pulling a big prank on me....

Dr.Stabby has probably guessed the right word by now and slips free. If he hasn't Oh well, that's why he has chloroform and viagra.

Dr.Stabby untraps the muffins and offers one to his stepdaughter

>>36593379
Considering your mom is walking around in Fryja's body for a meatsuit and the fact the closest she came to offing me was just before I ripped her to shreds I think it more likely her ploy at power failed miserably.

>>36593388
She was here as I was at the beginning.

>>36593403
To the left follow the corpses.

>>36593410
Seem likely.

>>36593418
it was I will never fuck a Drow, Jheska in particular. Seems prophetic now. *smirks*

>>36593378
It's been a long day. I had to make friends with druids.

>>36593500
No no no, Junior here.

I'm done packing!
>>36593379
who is this?

>>36593501
Fair enough.

>>36593406
>>36593500

I am back to your guild, wizards to check on the conditions of our Lolth-blessed princess.
My I have a word with you...Soros and Conspierre, it is?
The fact that the queen was aiding the mage's guild was known, at least to the most influential drows, but since she had the favor of Lolth none dared to complain, until Lolth took away her blessing and gave it to her daughter. The princess is quite... emotional about it, since she has been nearly killed by her mother, and in drow society it is considered outraging to try before the daughter is old enough to wield a blade, So please be careful when you approach this matter.

>>36593520
Jheska's daughter and the princess we traded Cromina for apparently.

>>36593520
This......is Jheska's daughter. Jheska murdered her sister right before she invaded the guild hall. Life is confusing and complex right now, and I would walk nude into randolph's guilt free quickie pit for an irish coffee.

>>36593500
Alrighty then! Now to find those enchanters...

>>36593378
>>36593500
Fuck you, I will not be eaten by a god damn mammoth.

>>36593537
What's the girls name?
>>36593547
lordy

>>36593533
We will be tactful at least, but there are questions that need answering.

>>36593500
"Good thing I have viagra."

>>36593552
Actually, I'm an herbivore. I kind of can't eat you.

...or can I? Never figured that out...

>>36593558
Her name is also Jheska. I now have to differentiate between multiple Jheska's in my life.

>>36593533
Also why didn't you tell me the princess was my step daughter? I almost went on sexcation.

>>36593533
Kazran! Are you hiding something? Lolth sees all, as you, of all people, should know...
>>36593558
Who is this human male? A servant perhaps? Is he going to take my luggage?

>>36593549
You're welcome.
>>36593552
Still herbivorous
>>36593582
You can't they didn't change your stomach.
>>36593579
You'd need to have a lethal overdose to have an erection.

>>36593611
The power of boners is stronger.

>>36593533
Tact isn't my strong suit but i'll try.

>>36593608
Drop it kid, trust me you don't want to know.

>>36593604
As if that'd stop you.

>>36593572
Feel free to ask then. In the name of the alliance we signed today I will allow you to do so.

>>36593608
He's an assistant. He helps with things we are unable to do. He will help if you are incapable of managing all of your luggage on your own. I doubt that is the case, so please do not badger him. Drink some of his coffee, and you will respect the man.

>>36593584
Ok then. So, should I keep Noel away from her then?
>>36593608
I am Mortimer, The Dutitiful Assistant. Stay out of my garden and we wont have a problem. now do you know a drow name Tu'ulth?

>>36593611
Oh, good. That would be awkward.

>>36593641
What are any dangers we're going to have to protect her from? Likely ones and unlikely ones please, I'm sure you can appreciate the sheer amount of cosmic irony going on here, and it doesn't ever let up.

>>36593635
If you say so *smiles*

>>36593671
Wouldn't it though?

>>36593685
Keep asking questions, i'll take her to the scanner and aptitude tester.

>>36593702
Can and will do. Let me know if anything comes up.

>>36593638
Dr.Stabby pulls out a cellphone and makes some calls but otherwise stays near Soros.

>>36593754
Damn it Stabby!!!

>>36593754
Yes? *cellphone fritzes out* Those doodads don't like me apparently.

>>36593723
Yup.

>>36593754
It's that thing again! Quick, before our mothers try and get in touch with us!

>>36593773
"what?"
>>36593780
Dr.Stabby continues his call uninterrupted except for a comment he makes to Soros and Mortimer

Harry Dresden you are not.

>>36593685
Aside for the most obvious ones, like your famous magical incidents, anything that sports pointy ears is a threat to her. Surface elves, those bastards, will try and kill the favored of Lolth on sight. This is all I can say for now, since I have to go back to guard duty, but remember that my men are constantly watching over her from afar, and so do I.

>>36593853
Nevermind

>>36593795
>>36593773
>>36593780
Wizards! I request food!

>>36593870
If the excrement hits the fan, she will be moved to a safe house, be aware of this.

>>36593888
Here is a nice little selection of sandwiches I have made.

>>36593888
Dr.Stabby hands her an untrapped muffin, that has a bite taken out of it.

>>36593888
*sighs heavily and performs his best soros facepalm impression*
Have you heard of Chateu d'Pierre?

>>36593853
Never said I was, his world limits him quite a bit. Still the electric field I have up seems to mess it up.

>>36593888
Fine but after we get you tested and sorted.

>>36593905
You are a good servant, this satisfies the favored of lolth.
>>36593906
Who is this vulgar man, wizards, and why does he tries to get my attention since when I have walked past the doors?
>>36593916
Is it a fortress, perhaps?
>>36593920
What kind ofsorting? Begone, foul wizard, Lolth would not allow you to harm me.

>>36593916
Good impression Pierre, you've ben working on it.

>>36593995
That an has the hots for your mom, ignore him. If we don't get you tested and sorted then we can't teach you arcane magic kid. Fine have it your way.

>>36593920
If you say so.

>>36593995
Not a word anyone. I want this to be a surprise. I guess. great, a dump stat in Intelligence.

Ok. Guys...
Never try the poppies that grow out in the garden...
Felt like I was in the dungeon dimensions for hours.

>>36593995
No, it's a 5 star restaurant, and a favorite of the nobility here. I also own it. You'll get one meal so that you know I mean it when I say it is the best you will ever taste, and then you earn the rest with good behavior. Said good behavior starts with a series of non invasive tests to make sure you aren't harboring any kind of curses, hexes, etc. It will also determine magical aptitude, and help decide what schools you will be qualified to pursue an apprenticeship in. You will be either an apprentice, or a servant here to earn your keep. The choice is yours.

>>36593995
Here, have some of my coffee to go with them

>>36594031
Why!

>>36594088
Kid's naïve not dumb. Give it a rest Stabby.

>>36594031
... is this arcane magic at least half as powerful as divine magic?
>>36594064
We will let Lolth decide, since my life is blessed by her word.Take me to this restaurant tomorrow, wizard.

>>36594106
I mean I've said stepfather like 15 times by now, you'd think she'd picked up the hint.

>>36594112
*smirks* I disrupted a summoning of Loth with but one well played spell youngling. I've slaughtered lesser gods with it. You tell me.

>>36594126
More likely she was ignoring you.

>>36594140
I can give it a try.
>>36594106
How dare you, I am 165 this year. I am no kid at all, it is your gross and bestial language that impedes my speech.

>>36594112
>deadpan stare, followed by a clap of the hands. A waiter enters carrying a covered plate. He removes the lid, revealing a steaming plate consisting of filet mignon, cooked to perfection sous vide, wrapped in dire boar bacon. On the side are mushrooms stuffed with crab and bleu, topped with a light crust. It comes with a wine pairing

Enjoy.

>>36594200
I am older than this guild child. The vast majority of people are children to me. Enjoy your food then we'll test.

>>36594126
Are you related in some way with my mother? All of those dorw that claimed the same has been killed horribly. I wonder why Kazran has not done the same with you yet... maybe he is still playing with food as always.
>>36594201
>picks up a mushroom, giving it a critic's stare
This seems edible, I guess I can try. Still nothing as my royal cooks' dishes though...

>>36594299
That's what they all say until they try it. I have acquired recipes that the surface elves have gone to war over.

>>36594299
At least have some of my Coffee to go with that

>>36594329
You must be pretty proud of your coffee... I feel like the need to write it somewhere...

>>36594299
your mother and I are pretty much married, making me your step father, or something. I am sure we will have the best father/daughter relationship. huh I'm going to need to steal a #1 father mug now.

>>36594361
I sure would be surprised if this whole thing turned out to be a clever ploy, I tell you what.

>>36594361
I've spent 475 perfecting the art of brewing coffee. I have every right to be proud

>>36594391
I feel like she's going to go "Tee hee" any second now, be careful.

>>36594391
Now if only you put that much work into your Stubupuncture and thief training.

>>36594401
Yes, I have that feeling too.

>>36594361
If you are quite done, we need to do the testing now.

>>36594418
Half-giants don't make good thief's Stabby

>>36594433
Just do it here, not like it causes pain.

>>36594377
No. I think I'll just order someone to murder a dangerous psychopath like you, for everyone that happens to find my mother something other than an horrible hag is clearly screwed.
>>36594433
I am ready for the ordeal.

>>36594474
Alright then This way. The tests test your magical aptitudes. the scan will be run simultaneously. It isn't dangerous. *ushers her into the chamber* Alright. Starting test. *apparatus starts moving.*

>>36594474
Dr.Stabby laughs

>>36594515
Are you sure this is safe?

>>36594515
What, hey, what is this thing doing?
... Fine. I have no fear, because Lolth preserves me from every harm and strikes down my foes. Therefor I will endure your strange test, wizard.

>>36594555
Yes I designed it myself and it hasn't so much as bruised someone unless they did something pants on head retarded.

>>36594555
Perfectly safe. Soros designed it off of my research.

>>36594572
*orb is placed in hands and a target appears on the other side of the room* "Applicant please attempt to set the target on fire without moving, Concentrate on drawing power through the focus"

>>36594656
...I wonder what it will do for conspiromancy, never actually seen this thing in action.
>>36594441
Do you know how much baggage she brought? If so, nearest high security room that isn't taken?

>>36594573
Oh and just so you know, my two favorite people in the tower will be watching her, on top of any other security you have in place.

Also, kill anyone claiming to be from the bakers guild on sight.

>>36594656
Do not order me around, weird artifact.
>close eyes trying to concentrate
>...
>apparatus starts fizzing and shaking

>>36594441
yes they do. They just need to rob bigger targets.

>>36594698
One was here earlier. He refused to reveal his secrets.

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>36594696
third floor, first door on right
>>36594717
>ballshot

>>36594733
I think I'll make her cart her luggage up there and then realize it won't all fit. Or is that too petty? She called my food "edible." MERELY EDIBLE.

>>36594733
and on that note, I bid you all a good night
>>36594775
Hey, its not like she insulted my coffee

>>36594705
Uh, it is kind of hot here.

I mean, very hot.

Let me go, it is too hot in here!
>practice target explodes

>>36594733
Dr.Stabby winces

File: 46309041.png (607 KB, 1200x1200)

607 KB PNG

Yawwwn~
Well, that was a good nap. So what...
*a deep rumbling tremor echoes through the guild hall*

...Someone. Start talking.

>>36594799
Very good applicant. *target is frozen and removed temperatures brought down to normal* Next is Conjuration *chalk is palced down within arms reach and a diagram appears* Please draw this circle and attempt to summon a minor imp applicant.

>>36594835
So.....Jheska had a daughter. Used to have two. Murdered one of them. Drow envoy denouncing her as a traitor promised information, if we took in their princess for her protection. Turns out the princess was Jheska's other daughter. Who was also named Jheska. Aaaaaand Cromina took an underdark vacation so it would be an equal hostage exchange. Soros is scanning her now for any trace of Jheska the Traitoress' fuckery, and I had to come clean on something. Namely, Jheska stole her body hopping technique from me. And my creepy room where I keep my backup plans.

>>36594838
Fine then, just don't order me around.
>scribbles
>spiders start pouring in reality
... uh, I guess Lolth sees this kind of thing as rather personal...

>>36594895
Dr.Stabby golf claps

>>36594895
*portal closes and summon dismissed* Interesting. *a wall drop cutting the area in half and a crystal orb appears on a pedestal* Please use this focus to see into the other side of the wall applicant.

>>36594937
>>36594937
Would it kill you to use proper manners? It is a princess the one you are talking to!
...
... is there the possibility that there is a spider into the other side of the wall?

>>36594835
Oh. And Jheska senior tried to kill this Jheska junior as well. Honestly, I'm most upset that I have to differentiate between multiple Jheska's now. Jheski? What would that even be in the plural? Anyways, she's our peace treaty with the drow faction that hates the same Jheska we hate. Someone less tired than I am should explain all this to Noel so that princess here doesn't get incinerated.

>>36595017
............... possibly. Please continue with the test applicant.

>>36595041
I think I would disable Noel before Jheska came to harm.

>>36595070
I don't think you're prepared to deal with a berserk Noel. Not in this situation.

>>36595070
Unlikely, Noel Angry is far more akin to a fire demon than a mage.