SORRY

Jonas?!

he is referring to an organization whose name is a reference to roosters, who hail a new dawn, and who, in metal form, also provide wind direction!

I, what, I'm not sure what to say about that.

1. I don't know either bro.
2. I didn't at least.
3. & 4. You roll with it. Never let the PC forget he did that. If he says it was a joke have NPCs give him weird looks and hushed whispers. Think about what would happen if a mayoral candidate said that at a press conference. Those on a lower class than the PC won't do anything for fear of reprisal. Peers of the PC will likely taunt him, joke about it with him, respect him for his honesty, or proposition him depending on the NPC and the setting. Those above the PC will react in whatever way their political livelihood demands.

rocks fall

he dies

Does your campaign otherwise tend to be serious instead of silly?

If it does, it sounds like you might have picked up a 'that guy' and brought him in.

>>12357319
No, he was fucking serious, he meant exactly what it sounded like.

>>12357302
>>12357305
The guy wasn't Bernie, and I'm not Jonas. I shudder to think that this may have occurred in more than one session on this otherwise fine evening.

>>12357390
>>12357390
The thing is, he might also try to enforce his rulership over cocks. He has ritual magic and +19 Arcana, there's no real reason he couldn't.

>>12357450
We're sometimes serious and sometimes we joke and stuff. He seemed pretty fucking serious about this.

OP, you work with him to come up with feats and rituals that would be appropriate to his newly assumed position.

>>12357563
Okay, I'll bite. Like what?

Take him at his literal word. He is now the lord of a very prosperous chicken farm.

I like where this thread is going.

Have the ambassador of the city-state of Cocks arrive and demand he stop telling people he's at all connected with them.

Cockwars, it's the only option. Your PC declares it, and a sexy trap demi-god appears to challenge him.

>>12357575
I approve of this.

>>12357575
>>12357575
It was clear he didn't mean that though. I'm not going to railroad him.

>>12357595
That's theoretically viable, except that for the last few months, the PCs have been uniting city-states under their banner. So the current ruler of this hypothetical town would be scared shitless.

>player declares himself Lord of Cocks
>>12357647
>"I'm not going to railroad him."
You are either the best DM ever, or the worst.

>>12357647
Well, then. Either have them actually come across the town or have Cocks be the name of, say, a capital of the nearest notable foreign power.

the incubus price challenges him to a cock-off.

Have him turn out to be the lost heir of the Kingdom of Cocks.

>>12357670
The major powers are pretty well mapped out (and most of them are pretty nervous about the PCs). I could have an NPC tell him of the Town of Cocks, though, and describe it to him. At the very least, it'll give him a chance to change his mind if he wants to on Friday.

>>12357685
Demons in this setting are mostly trapped in hell.

>>12357601
Could happen, I suppose. But as he hasn't declared himself God of Cocks, there'd be no real motivation. A God of Cocks could seek him out for other reasons though, either as an ally or even just for sex.

>>12357601

This, except Priapus, god of cocks appears and challenges him to a wrestling match. First to assrape the other wins. Being assraped by the god of cocks is usually fatal.

(This was an actual--as gods get--Roman god, so you may want to rename him, but it's pretty much what he'd do.)

Have the character's manhood grow to epic proportions, only to be stolen away by thieves shortly after. The party must undertake a quest to retrieve it before a depressed virgin Lich trying to get a girlfriend claims it for his own purposes.

>>12357725

"Lord of Cocks" implies dominion over all cock. The god of cock may well be offended. You don't have to be so literal, Anon.

>>12357729
I could do this. I think maybe I will.

>>12357730
Perhaps a cock of epic proportions will be the prize offered by the deity.

The setting is such that it is not impossible for him to beat a deity at wrestling, even though they are only late Paragon. It'll just need to be a relatively minor god.

>>12357754
But there are plenty of instances where a town has had a deity and a secular ruler, and there hasn't been an issue.

>>12357770

A town, maybe. But we're talking about cocks here. It's a little more vague. I mean, how exactly do you declare purely temporal dominion over cocks? Like, you get to tax them, or something? To me the declaration suggests lordship over the more ephemeral concept, even if that wasn't literally declared.

>>12357792
"Look, cocks are my gig, and you just all of a sudden declare yourself ruler of them. What's your qualifications? How much experience do you have in the cock field?

>>12357647
>I'm not going to railroad him.

Then don't, make any NPC think/react like he's talking about having a Poultry farm and remain pretty much unphased.

>>12357805

"I mean, obviously, I understand why you like cocks. But can you honestly say you love cocks as much as I, anthropomorphic embodiment of all that is phallic? I don't just love or even *need* cocks--I fucking *am* cocks. All of them. At once. And they are as one in me."

*This would be a good point for the god of cocks to reveal his perfect, sparkling, magnificently erect and throbbing manhood--and yes, you should describe it that way. If he gets uncomfortable, it's his own goddamn fault.*

Lord of Cocks.
I like that.

>>12357875
win. this. do eet.

There is another major political power on some other continent, where the Kingdom of Cocks reigns. The King of Cocks hears about the PC's comment, and arranges for the party to meet with him, as he has lost his long lost son.

The PC is the long-lost son of the Kingdom of Cocks.

>>12357875
I almost spilled juice all over the screen.

Kind sir, you are funny.

>>12357928

No, john, you are the cocks.

>>12357792
>Like, you get to tax them, or something?
Maybe? I don't really know how much he's thought this out. It could be something he thought up ages ago and he's been looking for an auspicious time to announce it, or it could be something spur of the moment that he thought fit perfectly.

>>12357875
>his perfect, sparkling, magnificently erect and throbbing manhood
"His magnificent phallus, a true testament to masculinity. It is as big around as a young sow, and thrice as long. It has the sheen of the moon, and wet sheen of sex, and an intoxicating aroma"
I think I can describe it fine.

Man, what does the God of Cocks even look like?

>>12357950
Cocky

captcha: jections, exterme

Yeah....

>>12357950

A muscular, hairy man who has a dark-tan with magnificent golden locks, bright green eyes, and perpetually covered in oil.

He is always naked, obscured only by a small cloud during formal occassions, but unlikely. He also has a massive penis.

>>12357941
oh lawd, /tg/ never disapoints

>>12357950
Well, he has a big cock. He should also probably be really muscular and stuff, and always look like he's been oiled up. Maybe twice as tall as a normal man, so that his cock is at face level. He could have a mohawk made of cocks.

>>12357941
>>12357941
>the sheen of the moon, and wet sheen of sex
Fucking proofread.

>>12357950
Like a bag of dicks.

>>12357990
>He could have a mohawk made of cocks.
We need a fucking drawfag in here right now.

>My face when epic thread

>>12357990
Maybe he like, reality distorting censorship over the non-cock parts of his body.

Like, you can percieve that there is a man somewhere behind that magnificent cock, but really thats not so important, and objects just sort of align themselves naturally around him so that noone can see much beyond his massive penis.

>>12357292
>Come to /tg/
>scroll
>Find:
>one of my players declared himself, publicly, the Lord of Cocks.

>>12358005
Sorry.

>>12358051
The fair folk tend to have those sorts of effects, though. I don't really want to imply that a perfectly wholesome god is actually one of them. I've had a bit of fun with fairies in previous campaigns, and they tend to evoke instant fight-or-flight with my group.

>>12358051
God of cocks should just burst from the ground, diglett style

just.. an enormous penis

Anyways, "lord of cocks" isn't very definitive, is he the master of cocks? Does he lord OVER cocks? To me it just seems like an awful dick-sucking joke

You guys're discussing things relevant to my interests here.

For instance...

>>12358144
...penises

>>12358110
>God of cocks should just burst from the ground, diglett style
Or he could arrive by chariot.

>>12358148

HOLY CRAP, READING THRU THIS THREAD IS EPIC, HEARTY LAUGHS.

>>12358106

So outright state that it isn't one of the fair folk. His race is "Phallusaurus".

>>12358148
>>12358144
Whoa there, dude. This is where I draw the line.

>>12358173
I need to get high...
This made my fucking day.

>>12357489
Bernie is from Zerg Quest.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/11143565/

Even if you have no interest in quests, go read the first session. Just do it. It's fucking hilarious.

>>12358110
>Anyways, "lord of cocks" isn't very definitive, is he the master of cocks? Does he lord OVER cocks?
Well, he already proclaims himself Lord of the Arcane. He is the most powerful living mortal arcanist (there are lichs more powerful than him, but they are basically necromancy only, and the more powerful of the dragons would have been more powerful than him, but they are sort of dead).
He occasionally does things to regulate people's interaction with the arcane, most notable founding a college, as well as setting up a bit of transportation and communication infrastructure.

So I guess his interaction with cocks will be similar?

>>12358167
No. He's fine being divine.

Besides, I don't want a race like that in my games, someone will inevitably want to play one some time in the future.

>>12358200
Yes. Get foreign scholars from far and wide to constantly harass him about cockology grant money. They all want to show him their cocks too.

>>12358200

Does he know cocknomancy?

one day soon he will have to face his evil twin, lord dickbutt.

>>12358181
Found in posted elsewhere yesterday, and spent a good two hours laughing, because it tickled something in my brain that I cannot discribe.

I wish there were more, but the rest were all about "giant swollen whores".

>>12358216
Okay. Not just scholars either, but budding cock enthusiasts as well.

>>12358219
No, but I'm relatively sure that he'll have some custom rituals to submit for my approval at the next session.

It occurs to me that the player cannot have known that OP would attempt to curb him after he made his declaration. I can only suspect that he is planning countermoves to the DM's countermoves even as we speak. This is an intentional battle of wits between him and the OP.

In other words, by declaring himself Lord of Cocks he has challenged OP to a dick waving contest.

>3. Now what the fuck do I do about that?

Inform him that his fief, Cocks, is being raided by King Ragnar of the Kingdom of Nords.

This sums up the thread fairly well, i'd have to say.

Have his direct servants from the arcane college ask him awkward questions about his no lordship. Like, what the extent of his lordship is, whether they need to do a cock census, and if so what sorts of vital statistics need to be captured, etc.

Also, he will have to eventually duel another self proclaimed lord of the cocks. A buff guy with a monster duel. And you better believe this battle of honor will be a "sword fight" with no arcane mischief allowed.

atchatio violators. I think captcha has input here too?

>>12358261
>"sword fight"
Ewww....

"You call yourself the Lord of Cocks? Draw thy weapon, knave, and prepare thyself for the thrashing of a lifetime!"

>>12358319

forgot pic

I don't care what the hell happens, I just wanna know how you BECOME the Lord of cocks.

He should meet his counterpart.

The Mistress of Vagina
or Duchess of Vag

Captcha: agree burrig

why thank you catcha

>>12358340

Penis is to Cocks as Vagina is to Pussy

Therefore it should be the Duchess of Pussworth

if you are going to use a model for the god of cocks, might I recommend one of the guys from cho-aniki?
seriously, they're practically a shoe-in

Why does everything on /tg/ have to get incredibly intricate?

>>12358261
>whether they need to do a cock census
That's a good point. I think I'll have his groupie/administrative assistant offer to help with that.

>>12358340
>>12358351
The female equivalent of Lord is Lady.

Perhaps there will be a Lady Ironcunt. More likely not, I think.

Assassins from the One Eyed King come after him. The Assassin's weapon of choice? Poison splooge.

That's right, a bunch of men with oiled dicks are hiding in rafters, waiting around corners, disguising themselves as cooks and wenches, and measuring the wind on yon distant hills. They're everywhere, and they're constantly trying to jack off on him and everything around him.

Hail to the King, baby!

>>12358374
They are avatars of muscular gay, but there cocks are well within the realm of the mortal.

>>12358381

It's the essence of rp bro. Something might be noteworthy on the surface, but if it doesn't fully develop well then it will never be truly satisfying. You need to put effort into making it something that will develop well, and become satisfying. This board can be good for that.

A challenger appears, and the name of the game is shaburiate.

http://manga.animea.net/domina-no-do--chapter-6-page-9.html

>>12358404
Yes, but this...
This is pushing it.
Funny as hell, but...

>>12358418

But you're only seeing the dick jokes on the surface. We're tying to make something will spawn dick jokes for years to come. Gotta balance the short term with the long term. ;)

Also, short term and long term can be excellent off hand references to make in regards to this event.

5>>12358397
"the one eyed king" is an excellent name

I approve

oiled naked men in the rafters.. is a little unnerving..

>>12357543
>The thing is, he might also try to enforce his rulership over cocks. He has ritual magic and +19 Arcana, there's no real reason he couldn't.
>>12357875
>"I mean, obviously, I understand why you like cocks. But can you honestly say you love cocks as much as I, anthropomorphic embodiment of all that is phallic? I don't just love or even *need* cocks--I fucking *am* cocks. All of them. At once. And they are as one in me."

This thread is a treasure trove.

Anyway, so he has dominion over cocks. That's ok. Now, make him work for it. THRONGS of men appear at his doorstep, screaming for bigger cocks, harder cocks, prehensile cocks. He is inundated with sendings from every male wizard in the world, begging him to do things to their cocks. Serving maids try to drug him, so they can get a ride of the Master Cock.

Don't let him get away from this. Stalk him with it.

He's the goddamn Lord of Cocks.

Also, pic.

YOU SIR FIGHT LIKE A COWARDLY KNAVE, NOW DRAW YOUR SWORD!

No... Your other sword...

>>12358418
gb2/b/

>>12358438
Whoa whoa whoa! Who do you think the King is, some kind of sicko? Of course his men will be dressed in the most tasteful fineries at all times. They're dick assassins, not nudists.

>>12358454
Maybe later, but this is too good to pass up.

>>12358457
>>12358438
>>12358397
The best part is, this is totally something that the dark elves of the setting would do. So each of the assassins can be taking on the role of the One Eyed King, and they go to kill the man who dares challenge the King's dominion.

>>12358445
>Also, pic.
oh great now my roommate is awake.

You need to have all my life by the foo fighters playing in the background for the cock duel. I don't know why I just thought of the chorus to this song. But I'm sure we can all figure out the inspiration.

>>12358450
But my sword is my honor. How would that even work?

>>12358445
My eyes are tearing up.

SOMEONE POST THAT PIC OF THE MAN IN A SUIT MADE OF DILDOES!

>>12358479
Makes me crack up every time. I know.

Pic is the kind of person who should show up on player's doorstep.

"I heard that you're the man I need to talk to about cocks. Man, have I ever got cocks. As Lord of Cocks (can I call you Cocksy?), you're going to need a whole lot of cocks. Big cocks, little cocks, cocks with a cock-eyed turn, cocks for your crock pot, cocks in clocks, I've got all the cocks you could ever need. Now, for a modest fee..."

Cock salesman.

>>12358504

>>12358512
Looking back, we are not solely responsible for what happen in your quest. I am just now realizing that.

>>12357292
Have men furtively showing up at his house every night to talk about their "equipment" problems.

>>12358515
I admit that when drunk, I may or may not take things a step or three too far once they've been put into motion...but you guys are the ones who start it.

Hell, I've been shepherding the Quest away from cocks for a while. Every thread, the suggestion comes up again.

>>12358535
Then you must ask yourself; why hold back on the inevitable?

>>12357990
Also waiting on someone to draw this

this thread has made me laugh harder than i have in months!

>>12358524
Let the men who come to him be very secretive. After a while, have his SO get into a huff thinking he's involved in smuggling for (insert hated group). Make her accusations very public.

"Oh no honey, we're all just talking about penises."

"But how can you smuggle penises?" etc. Drag it out.

>>12358569
He's not married. There are concubines that are sort of jointly owned by the group (they've done a fair bit of conquering, it happens) but of course they hold little sway over him, and I don't think he even uses them much.

>>12358591
>Lord of Cocks
>Not interested in female concubines

Oh, I seeeeeeee.

>>12358591
Have the concubines spread rumors to some powerful rival, then stage a public confrontation.

"I heard you would rather spend your nights with men of lackluster manhoods than lay with the great beauties of this city. I ask this, O honored citizens. Why would our beloved Cocklord do such a thing, if he does not hold some dark conspiracy in his heart... and his loins?"

>>12358591
Easy. The ladies start talking about how they've seen men wandering in late at night then pulling down their pants while speaking vigorously.

Also, they start leaving little stone penis necklaces on his door.

OP, don't sweat this, I kid you not, one of my frinds actually worked at a hotel with a "Lord of Balls lounge"

>>12358601
he didn't get to be the lord of cocks without any experience, clearly

Baby skulls are soft and can be molded into odd shapes through persistent massage. Have adoring worshipers turn their children into dickheads, tattooed veins and all.

Oh god I can't believe I can even think of something like this. What have you done to me /tg/?

>>12358675

How did they greet customers?

For the love of all that is unholy, can we please enter this thread into the glory of the archives?
It deserves it.

>>12358698
Fuck yes! Can you imagine the blessing ceremony they'd come up with? "Please, Lord, lay it upon his forehead so that he may be forever fruitful."

As a lord, he'll need a vassal or two to handle his affairs while he adventures.

Perhaps in the future of the campaign you can have the party visit an easter island style dedication to his lordliness.

>>12358706
I second this motion.

>>12358702
I'm going to guess mostly by drawing themselves up tight and sweating mildly but persistently.

>>12358706
>>12358716
It's already there. Feel free to vote it up, though.

Someone has declared themselves The Lord of Cocks?

At long last, the prophecy is nearing fulfillment!

Clearly, based on many other coincidental factors, the player is destined to claim a title long unheld by mortals. The power of The Lord of Cocks could well rock the foundations of the world - but only if he lives to take the title! Even now, agents of ancient orders move behind the scenes to support or thwart the player's ascension.

Oddly appropriate
http://gunshowcomic.com/

>>12358735
Link, plox.

>>12358748
Does that mean he's going to get a visit from the Allsperm?

>>12358755
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

It's at the bottom, like a saggy penis

>>12358765
Only 2 votes?!
HERESY.

>>12358748
They're gonna cut his allmighty dick off?!

>>12358822
No, that's just the divine avatar.

>>12358822
Hell yes! This works even better in a setting suddenly devoid of regenerative magic.

>>12358832
Glad I could help, I guess.

bump for archive

>>12358591
>>12358601
That's because he's the Lord of Cocks now, not just some random schmuck. So much of his time is taken up with paperwork, inspections, listening to complaints, and all of the other mundane details of the job that by the time he can get out from behind the desk he just wants to get some sleep.

Also, does his lordship over cocks extend to artificial ones? Or are all dildos in this setting actually just extensions of the will of the God of Wang?

Damn, I wish my players would pull shit like this. They just want to kill monsters all day.

>>12361175
Start telling them that they've hunted out the local area, and if they want to find more things to kill they'll either have to broaden the area they kill monsters in or start enforcing quotas to give the monster population time to grow back to a sustainable level.

Never change /tg/

Where's the pic that has the woman saying "We're discussing penis, would you like to join?"

I can't find it, in my time of need.

>>12358759
>Allsperm

Who told you of the Balls of the Cosmos? Who betrayed the Covenant of Phallus?!

A local power determines the character is lewdly announcing his impure and horrible desire for male genitalia and homosexual coitus. They may also either determine further that he is mad and requires healing (naturally, the removal of the foul organs he so obsesses over is the first step towards wellbeing), or that he is a heretic most foul and must thus be made an example of (naturally, the removal of the foul organs he so obsesses over, followed by a cruel and unnecessarily long execution, is the first step towards the wellbeing of the community).

This reminds me of a french comic I read in a library some days ago, about a group of roman legionary sent to south america (I guess, I only read volume 2) where they meet a tribe of women that capture some of them, fuck them until they can't get hard and gut them after that. Then one of them, the obsessed one that was supposedly here for comic relief, breaks his cage, start fucking his guards and then all the tribe, one after another, while proclaiming to be their god.

whatever just happened here in this thread today, do it again. god bless you /tg/

"I AM THE LORD OF COCKS!", he shouted. And the cocks came. Two and a half billion cocks, flying from every direction, ready to honour their lord and master in only way they could think of. And, a little while later, came two and a half billion of really angry men. They too wanted to "have a word" with the lord of cocks.

>>12357292

Have "The Rooster Prince" be his new title.

Ring the bells in celebration, let them go

DONG
DONG
DONG

>>12363404
THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME

>>12363367
>>12363367
Doesn't really work, because the Moon, one of the five aspects of God (or one of the five gods, if you're a grey elf or dwarf, or one of the countless spirits, if you're an animist, or the only god if you're a gnoll) is all about rape and sex and stuff. The Moon is not the most popular aspect of God in human-dominated parts of the world, where the players are now, but Moon worship is not considered intolerable. By contrast, mere ass-banditry is not really very heinous.

Have a bunch of enraged chickens attack him ala Legend Of Zelda.

What is this I don't even.

>CAPTCHA: Men manstut
It seems that Google approves of our dickery.

His appearance is now permanently and irrevocably changed to that of Mr Wongburger.

Granted this is based (loosely) off a Mesopotamian ithyphallic deity but still, I always liked it.

Pic related, it's a figurine of Priapus.

>>12364767
...

>>12364817

>>12363314
Deceptischlongs, man. They've been after the Allsperm for a long, long time.

>>12363481
Pshaw, like they have a chance in hell of defeating Ball of Cocks Man.

Holy crap, this thread is still here?

/tg/ sure loves its cocks.

(nobody liked my cock salesman idea)

>>12365185
OP here, I might actually use that idea, though.

>>12365251
He's got to be a fast-talker. Come up with dialogue in advance. Try to slip the word cock in as many times per minute as you can.

If the player doesn't shout "Will you stop saying Cock for a second" then you're not doing it enough. :D

>the Lord of Cocks.

Roosters everywhere!

The cock salesman is a great idea, it just takes a few for the subtle ideas to sink in. Like the company he represents being called Hancock accessories.


I am also surprised this thread persists, not because I didn't think we liked dicks this much, but rather I expected them to spread to other threads and disperse.

>>12365251
Here, a picture of your salesman. Well, his cousin anyway.

>>12365286
Every once in a while, our love of erogenous zones turns into something beautiful.

>Lord of Cocks
You know, that sounds kind of like a Homestuck title.

>>12369456
>Lord of Cocks
>in the land of Stick and Balls

>>12365356
>>12365356
It's pretty rare, but when it happens, we remember it for years!