I play with a guy who is always a Barbarian and always awesome at it, but all my DMs have been shit.

One of our players has been able to consistently call the next twist in the plot before we get to the one before it.
The DM made a subplot for his character realizing and training their clairvoyant powers.

>>15063299

>Why do we never speak of the DM who presented a surprisingly awesome campaign and put up with the players' ingenuity?

This will be a contentless thread

>>15063780
This prospect makes me sad.

>>15063777

That is awesome!

>DMing a Call of Cthulu Game
>Have cultists/assassins attack PCs at their separate homes in different ways to see how they react alone.
>One PC is a rich publisher who has trouble with names, always getting the other PC's names wrong (Matt is called Mark or Mick, Eleanor is Elaine etc.)
>Asks if he has any body guards around. Slight Meta gaming since the other PCs have been attacked, but I thought it would be reasonable he'd have a guard or two at his mansion.
>Sure, you have two after a roll.
>One ends up being found dead so Publisher sends other guard to patrol.
>Publisher gets attacked in guards absence.
>Cultist gets tommy gunned by publisher.
>Guard comes back, "You okay boss?"
>"How do I know you aren't another one of these here hood guys?"
>"Boss it's me Bill, I've been your guard for three years"
>"My guard's name is Bob"
>"That's what you always call me boss, my real name is Bill"
>Guard gets Tommy Gunned
>"I never forget a name!"

And god did we all lol

>This will be a contentless thread

Yeah, I get that, but there is also plenty of room for stories of awesome teammates. Surely the egos of /tg/ aren't THAT bloated.

>>15063918

Damn I loved the publisher character. His name was the Great Caseby and he thought he was the most rich and influential person in town. He was actually kind of a nobody that happened to be wealthy.

Ends up involved in investigating a haunted house with three other PCs. Insisted that all the things moving on their own and weird noises were a real bad bat problem. God I laughed so hard that campaign.

>>15063918

Fuck me that's amazing!

>>15063918
BRILLAINT

Well, one time we had a DM who was DMing an 8-player clusterfuck of a homebrew IRC RPG. The chat buffer filled up so fast that it was impossible to get shit done, so he started up a TeamSpeak server instead, which turned into a doublecluterfuck since now people were typing and talking at the same time. I have no idea how he managed to keep us going like he did.

I once ran a game called BEARS! where all the PCs were BEARS! and I had them on a vague safari planet thing that aliens had brought them to and they all ended up MURDERING everything they came across, becoming smarter due to implants, piloting mechas, stealing shit and fighting a giant cybernetic T-Rex.

That was fun.

My greatest memory of D&D? The fucking Gainax ending my DM pulled on us. Hoo boy did it come out of buttfuck nowhere, but it was awesome.

>>15064023
Elaborate, broseph. I am familiar with a Gainax ending, but want to know how it applied to your campaign.

behold (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GainaxEnding) - warning : tvtropes is evil crack

>>15063963

Maybe I'll share their stories. They are pretty funny and interesting.

PCs are:
Great Caseby
Matt (Pulp Horror author)
Beatrix [Bea] (Think Indiana Jones and Carmen Sandiego had sex and it was a girl)
Eleanor Rigby (Professor of Anthropology and Archaeology at the local university)

My girlfriend is the professor and the reasonable one in the group.

My two buddies are Caseby and Matt. Matt ends up being the team leader for a bit, but my girlfriends takes over eventually.

And Bea is played by my girlfriend's female friend.

The two girls were not experienced RPers but my two buddies are.

>Basically Matt's landlord lets slip that he owns a property where a terrible murder occurred (Guy shoots up whole family and them himself)
>Rumors place has been haunted for years etc. etc.
>Matt says he'll live there for a bit and see if he can find anything out to help the landlord, plus he may get an idea for his next great novel.
>Matt calls Caseby for money for this new book he will write so Caseby goes over to the house with him to check it out.
>Matt calls his friend Eleanor (Elly) to see if she'll help him research the house's history since she is better with "that research stuff". They are friends in game so she decides she'll help a friend out and check out his new place.
>Bea happens to be staying with Elly after an adventure in India as they are old friends and comes along for the ride because "You never know where adventure will strike!"

Gonna share some of the awesome I have witnessed.
From my post on one of the THAT GUY threads.


Paladin: This door is magically sealed, do we have anything at our disposal that can open it?
Rogue: Broke my special lockpicks, sorry chief.
Wizard: I know a spell that would do the trick but I just don't have it on hand at the moment.
Barbarian: I can open it!
>*moment of silence followed by the Paladin groaning*
Paladin: Gawg, the door is sealed with magic, your axe will break on it.
Barbarian: *hefts Bob on his shoulder* Bob knows Knock spell.
Wizard: What the blazes are you--
>*Bob sails past the group and impacts on the wall next to the door, leaving a large hole*
Barbarian: KNOCK!!!!!


More awesomeness from Gawg the barbarian.

>DM's villain beats the party into subjugation.
>Gawg yells "Go Bob!" and hurls Bob at the villain.
>Villain zaps the incoming "siege weapon" with magic, disintegrating Bob. Villain turns with a laugh and starts to walk away.
>Gawg flies into a quiet rage. Stands up, shrugs off the pain of his wounds, walks up to the villain and calmly and eloquently states "Bob had a wife and kids. Now he's dead and YOU get to tell his family why Bob won't be coming home again."
>Villain snorts "Are you kidding me, I'll never agr --- HURK"
>Gawg hoists villain up by the throat. "DO I LOOK LIKE I KIDDING?!" and beats the dude senseless.
>Later on Gawg forces the villain to apologize to what amounts to a pile of driveway gravel, makes him fashion a tombstone out of wood(cause a tombstone made of stone, for a rock, is *too* barbaric) and finally tosses the man into a quarry pit where he buries him alive in a rockslide.

In our last 2E campaign we had an incredible Rogue. He was retired, having been dragged in to join his dead friend's son on a quest of some importance. He collected gadgets. We thought it was just a quirk, his idea of roleplaying, until one session where shit really hit the fan.

Through a combination of PC PLANS, betrayal, sorcery, dumb luck and staggering misfortune our party found itself at the bottom of a bank vault with the realm's King as a hostage.

The King sat their, helpless, and yelled abuse at our Rogue as the DM tried to provoke him. The Rogue sat and listened, and then told the Fighter to go out and tell the guards that we were surrendering. He then knocked out the King and stole his crown, jewelry, fancy coat, the works. Disguised, our Rogue went to greet his liberator: the corrupt general who had screwed our party over.

Using his godly charisma (and mimicking the King's speech at the table) our Rogue announced an impromptu knighting ceremony of the General. He asked that the General kneel before his liege, which he did.

He asked the Sergeant next to him for his sword to perform the knighting, and he complied.

The Rogue then kicked the kneeling general in the throat with a poisoned boot-knife, and threw the sword to our disarmed fighter. In the ensuing melee he chalked up one guard to a poisoned pin ring and two to throwing knives, all whilst yelling obscenities in the King's voice.

We had to flee, and to cover our tracks the rogue put a cowering, naked King into one of the bank's treasure chests and the fighter and ranger tossed it to the back of the money pile. He was never seen again. Our party donned guard uniforms and ascended to the upper levels, where the "King" told everyone that the mysterious kidnappers and their dashing leader were dead, along with his favourite general. He insisted that these surviving guards be the ones to escort him to the palace.

And that is how we came to play a group of adventuring outlaws.

>playing as a rogue
>ask if there's any large white orbs on a ship we're about to board; I wanted to recreate Wilson from Castaway
>DM: "Well, there's an albino ogre on board who has these gigantic white testicles dangling from beneath his kilt."
Me: "...nevermind."
>After a huge battle at sea, the ogre and our fighter get into a drinking contest; ogre loses after he passes out.
>IDEA
>make tiny slit on ogre's hand, cover my hand in his blood, make bloody handprint on one of his massive balls
>go to druid's room, cut his hand, smear blood all over it
>wash my hands
>next morning, druid fails spot check, walks out onto the deck and notices his hand is bloody
>ogre is behind him, looks pissed off
>"You thinkin' this is funny?" he says, lifting up kilt
>druid stares for a moment, then punches his balls and starts running
>ogre chases him, would have raped him dead if he caught him
>fighter tells the ogre it was me
>mfw
>jump overboard, hang onto rigging for a day

>>15064043
Out of nowhere, literally out of fucking nowhere, turns out our BBEG wanted to ascend to godhood. Turns out he was not only a mind flayer, but he was the only mind flayer to be placed into the brain of an angel instead of a human for the purpose of reproduction, creating a mind flayer astropath, making him a viable candidate for ascension.

So, stealing a god's divinity, he ascends to the heavens, straps himself to a meteor and hurtles towards earth. Meanwhile, he sends down a plague of angels that sweep down to start judgment day in advance, while also dropping down space ship things to take the good-hearted to the moon or some shit.

We hijacked an angel war cruiser, ascended into space, and realized we were fucked because apparently he could ASSUME DIRECT CONTROL over the ship and was going to hurtle us into the sun.

WE GET SAVED BY ETHERGAUNTS THAT WE MET ONCE. EVER. THEY GIVE US MECHS. WE ALL SOAR INTO THE METEOR. TWO OF US DIE AS WE HAVE GIANT SPACE MECH BATTLES VERSUS ANGELS AND LAVA AND HOLY SHIT WAT.

Two of us survive and it turns out the BBEG WANTED us to get to him. The whole campaign was a test so that he could give us the choice between crashing the meteor into the world and becoming gods or saving the planet from the meteor and fixing the planet as mortals.

So? We killed him. Drank his divinity. And we let earth burn.

>>15064084
wow. Takes a pantsload bro....I woulda done the exact same thing. All mortals sing praises to DORVALUS, god of magic and lord of all spheres!

Makes me fucking sad i spent so long playing Living GreyHawk.

We did have one high level game that ended in 4 mins because our fatespinner cast Dominate person on the first npc we talked to. Turned out he was the BBEG we killed him and bypassed the entire Game. The DM was a bro about it. and whipped out a second game for us to play. Still hilarious.

We also had a game where a monk mind-flayer raped the entire party everyone but our shadowcraft mage was knocked out, he was prone at 0 but at least he was conscious cast phantasmal killer DM failed the roll, he passed out. He was an amazing moment for us. It was some bs with shadowcraft mage that allowed this if i recall proper.

>>15064052

>Maybe not the most believable coming together, but fuck it they were all interesting characters so I let it slide.
>As they meet each other it's clear that this is a varied group.
>Matt wants to check out this house for new ideas and wants to find out what is wrong with it.
>Elly is the rational one that acts like a normal human being would in all situations
>Caseby basically thinks he's in with the Mayor, Police, lawyers, and everyone else, but in reality no one knows who he is. He is pretty rich, but he always talks like he's in the know. He's not cocky more matter of fact.
>And of course he can't get names right so there is a lot of Mr. Caseby that's not my name, or my name is Matt. Especially Matt. He got called Mark and Mick more times than I can count and it just kept getting funnier.
>Bea basically wants to kick in every door of the house seeking adventure.
>At first stuff wasn't too weird. House pretty normal if a bit creepy. Elly starts researching and finding out about many murders/suicides taking place in the house over the years. Essentially she's in the library more than the house for awhile.
>Eventually loud songs come from upstairs in an empty bedroom and Caseby insists that the house needs an exterminator for the bat problem.
>Eventually they find out that a lawyer with connections to an old church owned the place and they find one of his journals. This happens to be directions on how to summon a dimensional shambler, of course the PCs can't tell that off the bat.
>At this point Matt starts to read the journal, and by read I mean obsess. At first he is pretty much normal like he has been, but as the house research and his time with the journal increases he starts to act off.
>This ends up being some amazing RPing from my buddy. He goes from a calm and collected character to being very strange very quick. He becomes hesitant about letting others see the journal even.

>>15064276

>As research continues they find the site of an old church the lawyer belonged to and investigate.
>It is mostly ruins and as they are exploring they notice a hole in the ruined floor that looks like it leads somewhere. At this point Matt finds a large rock and slams it through the floor as everyone is standing on it. After some dusting off and complaining at Matt he shrugs it off as needing to find out more about what happened in the house.
>They find a journal and learn that it is likely the Lawyer was buried in the basement of his house, dun dun dun.
>The group goes back to explore the basement more and are attacked by a floating knife (which is controlled by the undead wizard lawyer hidden in the basement of course.)
>Matt ends of catching it in a big piece of wood and ending its terror.
>As they start breaking a wall in the basement they find it opens a hole that can be crawled through. At this point the house starts shaking violently because the lawyer don't want no one fucking him up in his hiding place.
>Shit starts breaking and rats pour out of the hole. Blood pours out of everything and the PCs decide to leave and try again the next day, lead by my rational girlfriend.

>>15064316

>Matt decided to pay a visit to Caseby at night and sees if he happens to have any weaponry around his house.
>We were playing a FUDGE version I concocted so I just rolled a D6 and got a 6, so I said fuck it Caseby has some Tommy guns (3 I think) since he fancies himself a bootlegger too, which he wasn't.
>Matt and Caseby go back to the house and basically use the Thompsons to blow down the rest of the wall. I let this occur, but of course there was much shaking, and no Thompson bullets left.
>Long story short a long battle ensued where Matt and Caseby take on the ghoul lawyer. I allow Bea and Elly to show up at the end of the fight since they were bored doing nothing and an unanswered call to the increasingly erratic acting Matt's house left Elly curious as to where he was.
>Matt gets torn up bad the whole battle because his combat skills are shit (Diplomatic and Willful as hell though)
>Caseby on the other hand knows Praying Mantis Kung Fu (which is really just unarmed combat, but why not?) and literaly starts beating the shit out of this ghoul with kung fu.
>All in all everyone gets hurt and the ghoul dies.
>Then the real adventure would begin.

That awesome DM:
A dude who could improvise like no other man in the world. Achieved EVERYTHING in his personal life through sheer bluff and charisma. Incredible behind a screen since he could whip out double entendres and interesting plot points without so much as a slight delay in the batting of his eyelashes.

Incidentally, this dude is also an AWESOME player.
He used to play a weird underpowered Vampire, an amnesiac probably-Tremere-experiment with no Clan and features of five different Clans (five one-dot Clan Disciplines) and with only one Background: Generation 5.
Had every reason to be hated by everyone and handed over to the Tremere in record time so they could turn him into a fine snortable powder.
Ended up conning everyone out of their cash (PC and NPC) and proved how absolutely necessary he was to the PC team, to the Prince and to the plot. At the end of session one, he was indispensable and loved.
Nobody knows how it happened. The guy is just a massive genius with words, thinking ahead and being a prick without ever getting caught or blamed.

>Play a game of D&D
>Two of the other players are identical twins
>They play a duo of Paladins, one with multiclassing into Rogue and the other with Sorcerer

The pair of them were murder in action, synchronizing without talking and steamrolling the Chaotic Neutral That Guy without rolling a single dice by pacing around the table and explaining how poor of a choice it would be to turn into Captain I-Rape-The-Elf-Queen.

>>15063918
>>15064052
>>15064276
>>15064316
>>15064326
Oh god, someone needs to compound these into one big pic. That's awesome.

Changeling campaign.
The story builds up to an obvious ultimate showdown between two Fae, and the freehold will be in the crossfire. On one side, an Actor Fae and an army of fetches. On the other side, a Wisp Fae and a handful of Loyalist Changelings.

One of my PCs is a local and still has his fetch around. They spent the whole campaign steering clear from the dude so as to not create situations too hard to deal with. Suddenly, the PC goes "well, fuck it, we need all the help we can get, I'm haunting him in his dreams".
And does it again and again until the fetch figures out part of what's going down.
Then the PC roleplays his way into becoming his fetch's friend.

You know the saying "I didn't know it was impossible, so I did it."? My whole Changeling team was pretty much that all day, erryday. Especially the Winter guys.

>>15064490

>steamrolling the Chaotic Neutral That Guy without rolling a single dice by pacing around the table and explaining how poor of a choice it would be to turn into Captain I-Rape-The-Elf-Queen.

"I don't think you've thought this plan through."
"I agree. Not much thought at all."
"It seems like you believe yourself to be an exception to the rules..."
"... When in fact the rules apply far more firmly than ever."
"Especially since now we're talking to royalty."
"Doubly especially since we wield the elemental powers of Good and Righteousness."
"And the powers of Sorcery."
"And the powers of Backstabbing."
"And there's only one of you."
"And two of us."

The pair stop behind That Guy's chair, lean in, and whisper in sync...

"Would you like to roll initiative...?"

>>15064654

Pic related.

The game is In Nomine Satanis (French Version of In Nomine, far less serious than the translated version).

This awesome guy played a nine-year-old girl who died for whatever reason in neglect of her parents and had become since then possessed by a demon of Asmodeus, prince-demon of the Game.
Two system points about that character:
-She had the power "Stupid bet", which lets her force anyone into any bet short of direct self-harm. Extremely powerful shit, and extremely demanding in power points.
-Like every demon of Asmodeus, she regained power points by playing in and out of game.

That awesome guy played her like a boss. Everything, and I do mean everything, walking in the street, waiting in a room, listening to a superior, preparing a plan, absolutely everything was a game to that character. And a different game everytime too. So she could use her Stupid bet power crazy frequently, did, and was a great fun to have around.

Then, in the plot, we were totally lost and needed some advice from our prince-demons and archangels (we were a mixed table). Everyone else failed at the summoning of their bosses. The girl began to play Russian Roulette by herself. (She IS a demon, but fresh out of chargen, that's still a definite kill if she eats lead)

Asmodeus showed up.
He played with her.
He LOST. (Didn't die, though, and was an all-round pretty cool guy and an excellent sport about losing)
She got insta-promoted.

I have yet to see someone roleplay so thoroughly a concept that silly while contributing so much to the fun aroudn the table AND the plot.

OP here

>>15064490
Oh god, I would love to play with those guys. Not just because they were able to talk down a dumbass rapist, but because they have actual TEAMWORK...

>>15064654
...Until I got this mental image. Creepy as fuck.

>>15064691
>>15064691
Pretty cool.

>>15064654
>>15064682

Kind of like that, but with less tension and more "If you do this, we'll be forced to put you down like a dog and probably throw you out of the DM's house for being creepy. Don't be creepy, That Guy."

>>15064792

Never seen anyone work so well together as they did. I did get a chance to talk to them about it, and they said that their method for gaming was to take their first impression of a situation, glance at the other to make sure it's the same impression, and then take turns making the first move.

From there, they get a feel for where the other is going with their idea and adjust their own slight variation on the same plan so that they have a unified front.

Very uncanny to see it in motion, especially since you'd think they were telepathically linked without knowing the method behind it all.

>>15064654

>>Sometime in January, myself and my DM are discussing how the campaign is going. We'd recently just had a "Christmas Special" (Or "Mid-Winter" to keep with the high-fantasy of our setting) edition of our roleplay, purely OOC and just for fun.
>>Somehow we get onto talking about a "Summer Special" edition to parody generic summer animu specials, with things like smashing watermelons and the female NPCs in swimwear and how the main PC cast would take to the beach.
>>This leads into joking about the characters in the group if the roleplay was actually based in a school and how funnily enough, all the PC characters roughly fit into generic american highschool stereotypes if they were younger. (The Half Orc fighter being a school bully, our resident Mage being a weedy nerd, etc etc.) We joke about doing it for an April Fools.
>>We then realise April Fools was on the same day we normally do roleplay each week.
>>Months later, after figuring he might have forgotten, our DM weaves the plot into our roleplay storyline (Involving an Eldarin showing our mage "another reality") and for one session only we roleplayed in cliche filled American highschool.
>>Was fucking awesome, especially as my character, the aristocratic military man got to be an uptight hall moniter/class president sort of character who served an antagonistic role (Basically got to be a massive dick to our mage, who was "aware" that this reality wasn't his own.) throughout the session and there were hilarious antics involving our Half Orc twarting the plot of a rival school gang, who were actually our enemies in the proper storyline.
>>There was even an awesome bit with our humanised Warforged attempting to explain computers and google to the mage.

Brofists were had and we were given an extra action point for pitching in to make it fucking awesome.

>>15064654
Ah, see. Right there. That was a bad move on their part. Explaining the situation logically? Sensible. THREATENING him?

If that had been me, I would've just smiled at them. Smiled and rolled.

And knowing my luck, would've ended up CE with a bloody, decapitated head in each hand, screaming "NO MAN THREATENS BARAZ-KARR! TWO MORE SOULS SIT BEFORE GRUUMSH'S THRONE!"

>>15065120
Ha, taking a break from all the srsbzns is so awesome every now and then.

>>15065394
In all seriousness, even if he rolled he probably would've still got kicked out of the house and his move retconned. Lord knows I would've done that.

>Superhero cops in Las Vegas
>Catchan crooks, takan names and punchan mobsters
>On the trail of an anarchist group and its mysterious patron
>Freaky dream shit starts happening
>Portals open and kidnap villains before we can properly capture them
>Consult with Mr McSuperBrain, who fills us in on what is happening
>He promises to help us, takes us to Hoover Dam
>"See that army of mind controlled Las Vegans over there?"
>"Uh.. yeah. Gee they look pissed at us."
>"Yeah. Long story short, they're being mind controlled by a psychic creature of pure superego."
>"Oh. That's kind of cool."
>"Want to punch him in the dick?"
>"FUCK YES."
>Hijack the power generators of Hoover Dam, rend open a portal into a dream realm/human collective unconciousness
>Track down Leviathan, the pure superego creature
>Lay seige to his fortress in the middle of Dream Vegas
>His fortress IS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION
>BEST GAME EVER

>>15065422
Oh, definitely. "I RAPE THE PRINCESS" types are absolute idiots. Chaotic stupid makes the true CNs look bad.

But threatening someone is just a dumb move.

>>15065434
Holy shit, what game is this made from? I must play it!

>>15065434
How....how did- what?! Explanation, please!

>>15066067
Whoops, hit the wrong one. But anyways, Dream Vegas nuclear explosion fortress?!?!?

>>15064054
Oh man, I remember reading about Gawg! Hilarious character.

This is why I come to /tg/.

>>15066484
I know, right? Storytime on /tg/ is almost like actual tabletop games, only without the smell of nerd sweat.

>>15064068
OH GOD

I'M IN TEARS

bump

Aww, I guess this topic is dead. Oh well, it was a great run.

>>15068894

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.

Long-running D&D game friends of mine and I had played, we had a rotating supporting cast but the core of the party (read: those who showed up every game) were myself, a human druid, and what was eventually settled on as a dorf fighter/barbarian.

>Have way too much gear due to other characters dying
>DM is reluctantly okay with it, just throws higher level encounters at us to make up for it
>End up being royal badasses by the end
>Core of the game revolves around binding the spirits of elder gods such as Thor and Ifrit (think FFVII summon materia; they were elder for the setting) in order to stop a group of vampires who shouldn't have existed from ascending to godhood. Not horribly original, but the DM made it work

>>15069705

Now that that's out of the way, specifics! Dorf barb/fighter was the hilarious guy who did all the over the top epic finishing shit, while I just kind of plowed through everything and set him up for it.

Dorf (named Jafarfignewton, not sure if that's the spelling but that was the name)
>had an artifact-level flying shield the DM dropped which could accelerate to the speed of light after 5 rounds, but couldn't slow down as fast. More on this later
>was permitted to enchant his beard to have a hammerspace portal, used exclusively for holding his puppy, whose name escapes me
>was allowed to hold the Suicide Kit. More on this later as well.
>had most of the best stories

Myself (named something stupid picked off a random name list, didn't matter because I was almost exclusively thereafter referred to as "Lightning Bear")
>earned said nickname upon realizing almost every creature in the game has elemental weaknesses to Call Lightning (Storm) and Bear
>had stupid HP due to bad polymorph rules, to the point where the DM killed me by blatantly cheating just to say he did (or to prove I wasn't invincible, though that lesson didn't stick)
>had an IC obsession with collecting physical trophies of any animal-like creature we fought, but avoiding doing so if we possible could

>>15069748

The first dungeon was an abandoned island castle that later became our base.

>"You open the door and are ambushed by a group of dire rats"
>"I use wild empathy to convince them to leave us alone" *rolls high*
>"...They get bored and go look for food elsewhere. Behind the next door is a hungry [I don't even remember, some other animal, dire wolves I think]"
>"Wild empathy" *rolls well*
>"They leave you alone. In the next room is a six-legged reptilian creature. It looks up upon your entry, roll Fort."
>*pass easily* "Wild empathy to tell it to go back to sleep" *like a 25*
>"....it does so. STOP DOING THAT."
>*some time later* "At the top of the tower is a megaraptor"
>"Wild empa-"
>"NO. NO WILD EMPATHY. It has a magic helmet that makes it immune to wild empathy. As does EVERY OTHER ANIMAL IN THE WORLD."
>"But!"
>"NO! IT WANTS TO EAT YOU!"
>"Fine. I lightning and bear his face." *a victory later* "I butcher him and save the meat in my bag of holding."
>proceed to try and offer every other animal and beastie delicious megaraptor cutlets in lieu of wild empathy
>Never ever works

I think around this time the dorf got the magic shield, as well as a bunch of random magic items from a wizard's basement or some shit that we dicked around in. Later, while scaling the laboratory tower:
>Find a number of magical, tiny blimps floating around a room
>Jafarfignewton ties several to strings to take with them
>Blimps have tiny, squeaky voices, protesting that they don't want to die O_o
>Taken into next room, bus-sized panther
>Panther breaks out of cage, refuses cutlets, rolls initiative
>Jafarfignewton uses blimps as a flail, crits and drops panther in one or two hits
>"...Well, shit."

>>15069805

Now we had a few rotating characters as well. The most significant were the pixie warlock (also played by me when we ran out of players, died and gave us money for way too much shit), the ranger who ended up shooting in melee (as in standing in it) more often than not, and the bard, who's sole function was to haste the party and inspire courage. The Haste is most important to remembering how we did some of this.

During the first boss fight with the vampires, with no gods:
>Vampire archer with near-limitless supply of poison, and vampire sorceress specializing in taking people out of the fight (wrack, dominate person, etc.)
>warlock and other character die, druid is wracked and on the floor out of commission, dorf is fresh out of a dominate person and sees no escape
>decides to activate the Suicide Kit
>opens the small wooden box, pulls out a piece of paper and reads it:
>"HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR!"
>reality starts coming undone, dorf grabs drood and dead bodies, hops on flying shield, and accelerates to speed of light out the door
>reality reshapes itself into a giant kiwi (the fruit), taking the vampires with it (FOR NOW, BUM BUM BUM)
>barely escape because the campaign was too fun to end there, but have no way to slow down
>crashland into an abstract principle, dorf nearly dies and drood does so
>dorf rezzes drood, sells everyone else's equipment, PIMPED OUT GEAR LIKE BOSSES
>and now the show really begins

>>15069892

We were supposed to get 5 or 6 gods, but only got 4 before the campaign collapsed due to summer happening (we were at college). But each god-acquisition had a good story to go with it.
There was the god of death, Mestopheles, who talked like the Cheshire Cat from American McGee's Alice and raped the shit out of undead, Ifrit (fire), Thor (electricity, I think), and the god of wind who was named arbitrarily so I don't remember (maybe Shiva too, that would explain the kraken). Thor and Ifrit were the latter two, but their stories aren't as good so I'll post them here.

Ifrit
>fight our way into a volcano
>Ifrit will only come with those he deems worthy
>unimpressed by my Flame Strike, and by my turning into a bear
>a FLAME STRIKING BEAR, though, THAT'S something! ...roll initiative!
>Fuck
>proceed to have a lava-hopping battle against a guy that regenerates in fire

Thor
>don't remember much about the dungeon
>get to thor's room, at full health and in bear form
>slams me with his sword to the tune of 150 damage
>"I STILL HAVE 1 HP"
>proceeds to beat down Thor with raging dorf and two bears

>>15069897

Now for Mestopheles, my best moment in the campaign
>Outside the tomb where he's buried
>Ambushed by grave dirt golem and some other shit, ECL five levels above us, only have two characters
>take it anyway through too much gear/being awesome
>Enter tomb, another ECL five levels above us, consisting of a ghost thing that attacked with musical instruments, a zombie that punched one into a shallow grave, and a number of bats made out of skin
>Dorf spends entire fight buried in a shallow grave due to continually botched grapple checks
>Makes it out once, IMMEDIATELY punched back in
>From round 1, ghost makes a violin bow start sawing into my spine, dealing Con damage each round, and all the bats attach and start biting
>Ignore bow for whole fight, drop wall of fire on self to kill bats
>Get hit with piano, shrug that shit off like it's Looney Tunes
>Lightning and Flame Strike ghost to death, beat down zombie
>Mestopheles Get!
>Jafarfignewton: "GOD DAMN IT"

>>15069916

And for the final tale from this campaign, acquiring the wind god (good song title).
>pyramid in the middle of the jungle, swarming with yuan-ti
>bear > snakes
>get hasted, charge up the pyramid, plowing through yuan-ti grunts while Jafarfignewton flies up on the shield to the boss, an Abomination with class levels
>Dorf gets into a grapple with abomination, horrible wounds and acid blood everywhere, not looking so hot
>Justasplanned.jpg
>WAT
>flies straight up at the speed of sound to the effect of 500 ft
>uses previously ignored magic item to dimension door away from yuan-ti
>outraces him back down and waits, polearm outstretched
>impaled and instagibbed a round later
>surviving yuan-ti fuck off and go home
>FUCK YEAR
>Iforgothisfuckingname Get!

And that is our tale. Great thread, sorry my stories aren't as good. I have better ones, but they'll have to wait until later tonight. Keep this thread alive for, say, 12 hours or so, and I'll tell you what happens when Jafarfignewton plays a wizard with me behind the DM screen, as well as other misadventures.

Obligatory Henderson.

2/2

>>15069705
>>15069748
>>15069805
>>15069892
>>15069897
>>15069916
>>15069957
Sir, I love you.

>>15070144
>>15070149
Man, that really puts to shame my awesome Call of Cthulhu adventure. All I did was survive a gunshot wound to the head, heh.

It really surprises me how a game centered around Lovecraft lore can be so damn funny at times.

bamp

Ah, I've got a story:

We were fighting through this fortress to aid the good-guy rebels against the evil military (original, I know). We're doing just fine, but the asshole archer runs off ahead and gets to the main chamber before anyone else. In said main chamber the military general and the rebellion leader were facing off. So what did the archer do?

Used his crossbow to shoot the general... and the rebel leader, killing them both. Because he's an ass. The Queen is restored to her proper thrown and gives everyone on the team one wish while the royal guard chase the archer around the fortress and try to kill him. The cleric uses his wish to call off the hunt for his teammate, and the archer, showing one of his very rare bouts of morality, transfers his wish back to the cleric. He still got an enchanted crossbow out of a chest, but hey.

>Note: That Awesome Guy was the cleric, not the archer.

bump for some more!

Damnit, the D&D Anon should be back soon.

>>15070144
>>15070149
Hey, I think I found the original topic these were posted in

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/10964326/

Cool.

This thread v ery much needs a bump.

Well, guess that's it for the night. Hopefully this thread will be here tomorrow.

Bumping for supreme glory of figure skating Scotsmen

>party consists of a ranger, a fighter/cleric, a wizard and a fighter
>Standing on top of hill, looking at like 10 orcs at the bottom of the hill
>cleric says we should kill the bastards
>I try to snipe their leader, but fumbles
>I hit the alcohol crate next to the campfire, huge explosion, takes out 3-4 of them
>the rest starts climping uphill to get to us
>someone summons natures ally, which turns out to be a crocodile (random generate table)
>fighter takes the crocodile and throws it at the climping orcs
>crits, all the orcs gets hit by the croc, gets thrown all the way down the hill and the croc (with some random stones) lands on top of them
>DM is totally okay with everything

I love my party

>>15073196

Lol why thank you. Sorry everyone, got caught up in summat last night and couldn't make it back. /tg/ doesn't seem to want to let me post right now though, so I'll get the stories up as soon as I can.

Playing the Serenity RPG. Party is a handsome mechanic from a backwoods moon, an ex-slave gunbunny, and a former Companion.

Anyway, this is mainly about the mechanic. He liked to build random shit. Jury-rigged a coffee can to be bound with an electromagnet to the hull of a ship and set off, like, twenty shotgun shells at once in order to breach it. Basically, something to keep the other ship busy while they make good their escape. He had all kinds of stuff like that.

Anyway, the captain, the ex-Companion, picks up a passenger with two big cases. In the middle of the night, turns out the passenger is the brother of the man the captain killed (as retribution for him murdering her Companion lady sweetheart) and the cases are cryo chests with a mechanic and a mercenary in them.

They round up the whole party and march them into the cargo hold. The bad guy starts monologuing about how he's going to kill them as revenge, etc.

The party mechanic starts moving toward a cabinet in the hold. The mercenary levels a gun at him, asking where he's going. "Just getting some coffee," he says. The bad guy nods approval, letting him do so, but sending the mercenary with him. The bad guy mechanic leaves to futz with the Firefly's engines.

Then the party mechanic pulls a can of coffee out of the cabinet, shoves it in the mercenary's face, and his player goes, "Tick tick tick."

And then I remember the hull breaching gizmo he jury-rigged. I had completely forgotten. The mercenary looked confused for a second before her head stopped being there due to twenty shotgun shells going off in her face.

The main highlight of the ensuing fight was the gunbunny picking up the lid to one of the cryo chests and beating the shit out of the bad guys with it, thanks to having an ungodly skill in clubs. That was an awesome campaign.

3.5 Pirate campaign.
Cast as follows: DM has a character act as captain, mostly so the plot can move and we don't fuck around too much.

Bro: Plays Magnus the ranger. Hes a pretty chill dude and stabs things in the face.

Dudeman: He plays an Irish dwarf that screams at everyone.

Me: I play an Orc, played as an Ork complete with akshent, chef who cooks things and has been raised on a desert island; the tales of which there are many.

Chick: Plays a druid with a pet shark called Chum. He is all kinds of adorabloodthirsty.

In the next I shall recount the great sea battle.

>>15081751
So here we are just starting out as a crew of pirates ready too pillage and attack and snarl at shit.

We go out and try too pick us a fight.

We succeed.

We bump into some random military ship thats transporting weapons too some nearby kingdom and decide that it looks worthy of our cannons.

Ship combat starts and we have the initive. We fire a couple of shots and manage to fuck up their mast but we loose our cannonier due to an accident.

Olzar took over.

He has no idea what a cannon is so he throws knives and kitchen equipment in it. Thankfully it still works and the enemy mast is taken down by a frying pan and knives. All the knives.

We begin boarding. The little Irish Dude decides that all 4ft of him will lead the charge. He gets across too the otehr boat and fucks up their knees and kills a guy before a Goliath oarsman smacks him back across to our ship like he was tiny drunken golf ball.

Magnus runs across and cuts the Goliath down too the dwarfs size; the Goliath is now dead. Magnus continues carving up the enemy crew and casts a few overboard.

Chum takes care of them

Completely homebrewed 3.5 game, with various playable monster classes.
Half-Celestial Rogue 4/Monk 1. He destroys two animated deinoniychus skeletons and decides to use their skulls as boxing gloves.
Centauress paladin blesses these skulls, making them Holy Weapons.

In the fight with the BBEG, said villain tries to reawaken the Deinonychus' on the rogue's hands.

Centauress' player reminds me that they're holy weapons now, So I have the Rogue make a Handle Animal check. He rolls a natural twenty.

Result: Two full-sized holy deinonychus, serving as the Rogue's minions.

>>15082087
that's ridiculous.

I let my players live

They should be grateful

...well...most of them...

Beyond a doubt it was ridiculous. In the same campaign, we had a pixie cleric that was polymorphed into a Hill Giant, then down to a glimmerskin. Caused a bit of multiple personalities.

Glimmerskin is facing a fae sorcerer who is about to use the censer of summoning air elemental.
Glimmerskin asks "he's neutral, right? I possess him, with the Heroic Bond." Between the only critical said player ever rolled, and a critical failure on the sorcerer's part, Glimmerskin takes his body.

In the fight with the BBEG, as it regenerates hit points and the other characters need a break. Glimmerskin looks at character sheet and smiles.
"I light some incense."
Suddenly, the BBEG is dwarfed by the Elder Air Elemental, which looks down at the possessed sorcerer for orders.
"Smoke him."

>>15081838
Reminds me of the time in our DB Exalted campaign where we launched one of our party members out of a cannon at some enemy ships while he was dressed in pretty much full plate.
There weren't much left of those ships after he hit.
And then he got picked up by another boat that came by to visit us because he couldn't swim back.

And then there was that time we "bombed" the BBEGs base/castle with the help of our giant flying boat.

And another time the Captain of that ship got a chance to fly the sun. (Which is really a magical ship.)

>>15082285
Bwaha, great.

>>15083236

Possession?
*looks up Glimmerskin in MM2*

Um, shit. That thing is pretty awesome, but it carries some pretty serious drawbacks;
1. Host must be willing
2. Host isn't controlled; rather, host gains awesome bonuses so long as the Glimmerskin chooses to stay 'Bonded, which is only as long as the host does what the Glimmerskin asks
3. Host splits XP 50/50 with the Glimmerskin
4. Glimmerskin must pop back to the Positive Energy Plane every several hours (Con/2) or die
5. 12 racial hit dice and effectively a +3 Level Adjustment means that any Glimmerskin PC or cohort will start off as ECL 15 before gaining any class levels (the MM2 Web Enhancement fails to mention this); that's actually not too bad of a LA, but that's a lot of racial hit dice to have to take first.

Any DM that allows this in a non-Epic game is nuts. But if s/he does, this thing would rock on an Ordained Champion of Heironeous.

This amazing thread must continue.
>>Our D&D 3.5 party is fighting kobolds.
>>Barbarian rolls a critical miss.
>>Hits our squishy wizard, me, in the head and incapacitates.
>>Party wins the battle, wizard regains consciousness.
>>Wizard uses a spell to write the word "Nigger" on the barbarian's forehead.
>>NPC asks why is the word on the barbarian's forehead.
>>Wizard responds by saying that the barbarian is his half-orc slave and the wizard is actually Lord Nigger, whose name is imprinted on the forehead of his slave.

Another one:
>>Wizard is obsessed with using the grease spell and burning hands to cause grease fires.
>>Need to take care of an Ettin.
>>The Ettin was once a man who was cursed to become an Ettin, with the second head being a barbaric monster.
>>Needed to break the curse or kill the Ettin to save a village.
>>Meet with the good head of the Ettin while the other head sleeps.
>>He would rather die than live as an Ettin.
>>Wizard casts grease.
>>"Alright, step into the grease, let's make this quick."

After a series of entirely unavoidable greasefire related incidents, our DM makes it so grease is no longer flammable.
I still want to be a grease wizard.

We got into a fight with a female Vampire Samurai. Correction: We breached a dungeon lock and found an attractive female who thanked us for releasing her. I Immediately start buffing the group (only once has a rescue like this actually been one). The Fighter immediately runs over and demands "Where do you keep the gold!?" we all facepalm as she slaps his shit with her sword.
She starts messing us up, so I cast Stone Body (in the spell compendium, DR 10/adamantium and immunity to most effects, self only) and step into the fray and engage her in melee. DM starts chipping me down, then realizes that Stone Body doesn't protect against level drain. She starts slapping me, drains six levels before the half giant Warmage drops her.
I can't cast restoration anymore by one caster level (spell points system so I had the points but no access to the spell anymore). I start bemoaning the fact that there is no way that we can get back to civilization in time to get me a restoration, and I will probably lose several levels when I roll Fort in 24 hours. Party wants to divvy treasure first. I white knuckle, praying for a scroll that our bard can use magic device on, but no luck. I'm mortified, worried I'm going to de-level. Half Giant Warmage reaches into a pouch and hands a scroll of restoration to the Bard. "Figure we can cast this now that we have the important things out of the way."
I've never loved/hated someone as much as I did right then. The Bard made his roll and I had just enough points to restoration the rest of the level drain away.

Bump

>>15081068

Alright, I’m back, sorry it took so long, work is a bitch. But I finally have everything transcribed, so this should update quickly.

So, I give you the tales of my first proper DM'ing experience, and the party that went with it. Party consists of the DM from the last game as a warlock, Jafarfignewton's player as The Wizard Formerly Known As Boxer and his rotating stable of minions, another friend of ours as an over-the-top ranger (think Othar Tryggvassen of Girl Genius and you're on the right track), and Nanner, the merfolk dragon shaman (normally That Guy, but he simply didn't do much so it worked out okay).

The warlock:
>Took the invocations that gave him unlimited flight and spider climb, as well as buffs to Bluff, Diplomacy, and Intimidate
>Abused the shit out of all of these

The wizard:
>took Enhanced Familiar to get elementals as familiars, so had Bobo the earth elemental for a time, then Momo the air elemental after Bobo's untimely but valiant demise
>had a dog named Jenkins whom he insisted be treated like royalty
>Insisted upon summoning a celestial dire badger he named Waffles, to the exclusion of all but celestial monkeys and normal badgers, to be explained later
>Never explained as to why he was called Boxer in the first place
>Eventually accumulated so many titles and honoriffics that I forgot most of them

And finally, the Ranger:
>Tried to be a Gentleman Adventurer as best he knew how
>ended up spending a lot of time in jail instead

>>15087128

So something you need to know about this campaign is as my first D&D game, the plot fell apart REALLY early and ended up being an episodic mess of unresolved plot points. I tried to do too much at once and steer the game in directions it wasn’t going and it didn’t really work out. But to everyone else’s credit, they ran with it for the most part and we had a lot of fun with it anyway.

At any rate, in the first session the players end up trying to defuse a hostage situation where the mayor of a town has been taken captive by a group of assassins sent by a mysterious benefactor.
>Warlock spider climbs onto roof to try and scout the situation
>Looks into windows to find enemy, is seen
>Dozens of crossbows aimed at him, “Who’s there?!”
>”Did someone order a pizza?”
>…*crossbow bolts*

After this the ensuing firefight (literally, much of the building was destroyed), ended with the assassins captured and the mayor rescued. Long story short, the mayor was trying to promote open trade policies and such, and someone in the capitol city of Arcum (SHUT UP, I DIDN’T KNOW) was not happy about it. It is here they also meet Alexander, the quest-giver wizard with multiple personalities that managed to exist in every town at once. He didn’t do a whole lot, but the party like him.

So off the party went to the capitol to investigate, via ship. The ensuing voyage contained mostly the following:
>TWFKAB bullying the sailors into treating Jenkins like royalty (first class seating, the whole bit) with a combination of prestidigitation and harsh words
>The players generally dicking about with each other, using their respective climb checks/spider climb/liberal uses of Grease to cause general mischief
>Pirates? Boring! Let’s try and make the ranger slip off the rigging again!

>>15087158

So after a time, they arrive and it takes little time to decide they hate this place. Red tape + taxes on things that don’t exist yet + assassins errywhere + the ranger being jailed at least twice for his shenanigans = low amounts of party loyalty. But they find some cool shit as well, including a gadget shop run by a goblin with an enormous hat that grants them things like crowbar-chucks and bigger-than-greatbows (around this time the ranger developed an obsession with exotic weapons), and the library containing the Barbarian’s First ABC’s (A is for ATTACK THINGS! B is for BREAK THINGS! C is for CRUSH THINGS! Etc.)

So while they’re here a number of interesting things happen. The first series of events is plot related. The group catches a lead from an NPC that one of the leaders of a ruling house may have orchestrated the assassination plot (to the surprise of no one). So they decide to break in and find the evidence.
>Ranger has a hawk companion and a bag of holding
>ADVENTURE!
>Gets in bag of holding, flies up to window, gets dropped off and breaks into house
>Searches around room being sneaky as hell, finds the evidence but unknowingly sets off a silent Alarm
>Hears guards coming, hides under bed
>Is caught and jailed anyway, but manages to hold onto the evidence

Later:
>Rest of the party is appealing to the heads of houses on his behalf, claiming that he had a good reason to be there
>Several unlikely diplomacy checks later, ranger is out and Head of House Whateverthefuck is “under investigation”

>>15087185

And now here’s where things get interesting… TWFKAB had a dream. A crazy dream for a high fantasy medieval setting. A dream that was too awesome for me to ignore. He had been making Craft checks for some time to create blueprints, and now had the attention of a wealthy and benevolent benefactor.
>Talking to Oscar of House OtherthingIforgot
>Convinces him this invention would revolutionize trade and travel
>Gets patronage to have him construct a prototype
>Party is on their way to having a semi-magical airship

But Boxer’s adventures didn’t end there, nosiree. Because now we get to the other story, the ENTIRE OTHER SESSION that was devoted to players just fucking about with random side stuff, that was too awesome to disallow. The ranger met up with a fellow adventurer and ran off to a distant mountain, the warlock combed the underworld looking for poisons (to add to his eldritch blasts? Hell if I know) and got into a barfight, but Boxer’s took the cake, and I actually recorded it partway through because it was awesome.

But for to build suspense, the ranger’s day first:
>Is accosted by a man in adventuring gear, looking for a companion to go find a treasure and slay a dragon on a distant mountain
>Guy is just as over-the-top and bold as the ranger, so the ranger agrees
>Fastforward to the mountain, get to the top and find gold dragon
>Dragons are not bound by alignment here, dragon attacks
>Other man is a 1st level commoner with delusions of grandeur, dies immediately
>Ranger barely escapes with his life, vows revenge, selects Dragons as favored enemy and starts fast-tracking custom weapons from the gadget shop
>Dragon later becomes a minor villain, rest of party is encouraged to pursue

>>15087255

The warlock’s day:
>Decides to comb the underworld for illicit shinies and information
>Finds random weird shit like entire poisonous frogs and things that would likely kill you if you looked at them
>Makes his way to a bar
>Somehow gets involved in a bar fight between two huge guys and the half-dragon barkeep
>Gets the shit beat out of him, left out in the street
>Rest of the party begs that he be horribly violated while unconscious in order to teach him a lesson about going out on his own
>IT IS SO
>Rescued by kindly old woman/fuck-powerful wizard, who becomes new quest giver
>Everything worked out okay

>>15087261

And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, TWFKAB’s day. This shall be told in a more story-oriented format, as I have the actual audio evidence rather than just searching back 2 years in my memory.

So Boxer preps all his daily spells with the explicitly stated goal of dicking around with random peasants. Grease, Invisibility, Summon Monster (you’ll see), Ventriloquism, and the like. He then sets off to the poor district to find some unwitting saps.

As we were all fond of Avatar: The Last Airbender at the time, he happened upon a cabbage vendor, and spied not leafy vegetables, but a gold mine of opportunity.

He walks up to the man, grabs a random cabbage, and proclaims, “Great Scott, do you realize what it is you have here?! I can’t believe I’m actually seeing one of these with my own eyes!” Or something to this effect, twas before I decided this required documentation, point is he started fawning over a random cabbage.

“What are you talking about, sir? It’s just a cabbage, though it is of course a rather fine one-“

“No, you simpleton! This is a legendary Magical Grass Head! It has the miraculous power to grant you three wishes! All you must do is take a bite of it and your wishes will be granted!”

Wat.

He proceeds to successfully bluff the man (natural 1 on Sense Motive), and offer an exorbitant amount of money. Predictably, the working-class cabbage vendor declines and keeps the wish-granting Magical Grass Head for himself. Here’s where it gets interesting, and where I start recording.

Boxer proceeds to hide, invisible, behind an apple cart and cast Ventriloquism on the “Grass Head”, talking in a booming, haughty voice and asking, “Who dares invoke the power of the Grass Head?”

>>15087293

He stammers back, “I… I am merely a humble cabbage vendor! Named Steve!” (at this point I decided he deserved a name in payment for what he was about to endure)

“Hm, I see! Well, as you have eaten of the Grass Head you may make your wishes!”

The warlock and ranger were the only other ones present in the room (though only Boxer was there in game), and were laughing like hyenas through this whole affair. Justifiably, I would’ve been had I not been absolutely dumbfounded and trying to keep the game on track. Anyway.

“Well, let’s see… I’ve always wanted to be rich and powerful, and dwell amongst the nobles in the CENTER of the city instead of out here in the slums.”

“BADGERS, you say? BEHOLD!” Summon Monster III, three badgers appear next to him.

The cabbage vender, panicked and clearly flustered, “Badgers? I had no desire for badgers! Wherefrom came these badgers? How could you misconstrue what I said so grievously, Magical Talking Grass Head?”

Boxer: I command the badgers to dance.

Me: You command the badgers to dance… BADGERS DON’T KNOW HOW TO DANCE!

Warlock: *in tears* That’s why it’s HILARIOUS!

He then uses the Ventriloquism to make the badgers sing the songs from the Secret Tunnel episode of Avatar. The cabbage vender looks back and forth in disbelief between the singing, dancing badgers and the faux-magic cabbage (GOD that’s a weird statement), and at this point has drawn a crowd.

>>15087304

“What is your second wish?”

Before he can respond, a second man runs up and says, “Sir, I have witnessed the power of this cabbage and I MUST partake of it! How much would you be willing to accept for a chance at wishing from this mystical cabbage?”

He replies, “How much have you got?”

“Well, I’m afraid I’m only a locksmith, I only make a few coppers a week, so I cannot offer you that much money at this point in time…”

Boxer: I cast Flare and blind the poor sod.

Warlock: SILENCE, sod, you have angered the cabbage!

Ranger: YOU HAVE ANGERED THE GAZEBO!

…”He flees in tears”

Ranger: Your dickery knows. No. Bounds.

Warlock: *in pain from laughter*

Again, as a command, “WHAT IS YOUR SECOND WISH?”

“I’m still waiting on the fulfillment of the riches and nobility!”

“FOOL! Do you not SEE the badgers?” Flare.

>>15087322

Blinded, he stammers, “I, I, I’m sorry cabbage, I guess…”

“AS WELL YOU SHOULD BE. Your second wish?”

Reluctantly, he states, “I have always wished to be accompanied throughout life by a beautiful woman who would know how to treat me and prepare my meals and accompany me through thick and thin.”

“…A beautiful BADGER wife you say! Your wish has been granted!” I just summon Waffles!

Waffles was the aforementioned Celestial Dire Badger. For those who don’t know, they weigh upwards of 500 pounds and have holy powers. The party debated for a moment whether or not he should be wearing a bra in order to accommodate the “wife” portion of the wish. I blocked from memory and murky audio what they decided.

Boxer: I use prestidigitation to stand up all the hairs on the badger, and make him appear TWICE HIS NORMAL SIZE.

The cabbage vendor proceeded to drop the cabbage in terror and flee, screaming obscenities and apologies to the cabbage for offending it so. Certainly a new low point in the man’s life. We are less than halfway through the recording at this point.

>>15087329

The other man runs up and yells, “At last, my chance!” and takes a bite of the cabbage.

“Why are YOU here?”

“I want to make a wish from the mystical cabbage! I have taken a bite as this man has and would like to have my wish fulfilled!”

“Hm… this is ENTIRELY against Grass Head Protocol! Tell you what. Sing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ and I’ll consider it.”

“…Mary had a little lamb-“ GREASE. He proceeds to fall over.

“HAHAHA. Quite amusing! Very well, you may make your wish!”

He thinks for a moment, then triumphantly declares, “I wish for a group of BADGERS!”

“BADGERS you say? Of course!” Four celestial monkeys appear.

DAMMIT.

He proceeds to go off grumbling about the magic cabbage, but not before slipping in the grease once more.

Boxer: The monkeys steal his pants.

He proceeds to natural 20 the grapple check to steal the man’s pants, and he chases off after the monkeys, causing quite a commotion. Boxer dismisses invisibility, gets on his dog Jenkins (he was a goblin so it worked), and commands his familiar, Bobo, to take the abandoned cart of cabbages back to the inn. I proceed to ask what he’s doing with the cavalcade of creatures he’s summoned.

>>15087335

Boxer: Who’s the wealthiest-looking person on the street?

Me: Not a lot of wealthy people. There’s one guy who looks like he’s NOT dressed like shit…

Boxer: The animals tackle him and pin him until the duration ends.

Me: *rolls badly* …Okay. He starts screaming for help against the sudden onslaught of badgers. He sees you pulling away the cabbages and starts screaming that you sicked badgers on him and are now stealing the cabbages. [justified: finely dressed wizardly looking goblins in a human city town = yay, racism!]

“Sicked BADGERS on you? What makes you think I had anything to do with it? Have a cabbage!”

Me: Bluff check.

Boxer: 11?

Me: It appears the shoe is on the other foot now! “No, these are certainly your badgers, for you are a goblin spellcaster, I’ve seen your kind before! Guards!”

Boxer: Greater Invisibility.

Me: A pair of guards notice you and proceed to run down the street in your direction.

Boxer: I was hoping this would happen. Riding on Jenkins, who is still visible, I flee with Bobo from the guards.

>>15087338

At this point he proceeds to start losing the guards, as Jenkins is faster.

Me: The guards proceed to pull out a wand…

Boxer: Uh oh. THIS WON’T END WELL!

Me: And activate it, sending a Flare up into the air. You now hear whistles from various directions as more guards start heading your way.

Boxer: THIS IS A GOOD PLAN!

Warlock: Oh shit, I think we found a way to break into the guy’s house. [this hadn’t happened yet]

Boxer: Nearest big building?

Me: There’s a tavern nearby.

Boxer: How many floors?

Me: Just one.

Boxer: Hm… alleys?

Me: There are alleyways, yes. One of which has guards running through it.

Boxer checks his spells, trying to think of an escape plan. He proceeds to dismount and use Mage Hand to start throwing cabbages at his pursuers. He then casts Ventriloquism again, above Jenkins.

Boxer: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!

Me: The proceed to draw their SWORDS…

Boxer: Oh shit… maybe you will!

>>15087343

He proceeds to attempt his escape, instructing Bobo the earth elemental to dive under the street to safety. He then realizes he didn’t plan a way for Jenkins to flee. He starts weighing his options.

Boxer: Hm, would this be an appropriate time for Scorching Ray…

Me: …NO. NO IT WOULD NOT. Oh by the way, you’re now Chaotic Neutral. (yes, the events of this day warranted an alignment change, after everything else)

Boxer: I’ll just make up for my misdeeds with good deeds later.

Warlock: THAT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! THAT MAKES YOU EVIL.

Boxer: Yes it does. I’m Chaotic Neutral. Karma works!

Warlock: No it doesn’t, it makes you evil. If you kill somebody and then the next day help them, you’re still only doing it for you which makes you EVIL.

Boxer: I’m not KILLING them! I’m PRANKING them! There’s a significant difference.

Warlock: It makes you Chaotic STUPID.

Boxer: If that same cabbage merchant had been attacked by thugs, I would’ve KICKED their asses! …And then proceed to bluff them out of their affects. Emphasis on ‘Chaotic’. Anyway, I proceed down the nearest alley.

My then-gf, who was sitting by to watch the show: You guys would make great lawyers.

Me: No. No they would not. Don’t encourage them.

>>15087353

Boxer: Using ventriloquism from the back of Jenkins, I tell him “Quick, run into the alley!” I’m there as well, how much of a lead do we have on the guards?

Me: A hundred feet yet.

Boxer: They can’t see us yet?

Me: Not directly, no.

Boxer: Stone Shape, I open a door in the nearest wall. I send Jenkins through it. ‘Okay boy, here’s the plan: Go find the warlock!’

Warlock: Ahhhh! This’ll make it so much worse!

Boxer: ‘Tell him The Wizard Formerly Known as Boxer, Slayer of Ants is in trouble! Now go!’ And I send him on his way. [Jenkins can’t talk]

Me: Jenkins proceeds to run through the wall.

Boxer: What else is in this alleyway?

Me: There’s a garbage can, a hobo, and-

Boxer: A HOBO! FUCK YES!

Warlock: OH GOD, NO, not the hobo! NOT THE HOBOS!

>>15087358

Boxer: I walk down to the other end of the alley.

Me: The guards walk into the alley and say to the hobo, “You there, man, we’re looking for a goblin! Which way did he go?”

Boxer: Is the hobo awake?

Me: His is now, and is confused and attempts to run away. The guards are confused as well, they follow the hobo but are looking for you.

Boxer: I proceed to sneak away. I am at the other end of the alley, and now in the street.

Me: *defeated* You are in the street…

Boxer: I am careful not to bump into other people. Although…

Me: So now what?

Boxer: I’m hoping they don’t find me, I’m out of useful spells!

Me: So you’re going back to the hotel.

Boxer: I go back to the inn.

Ranger: DANCING LIGHTS!

Me: You go back to the inn. I… I can’t record any more of this, it’s too dumb!

Ranger: For those of you listening, I’m sorry if we’ve lowered your IQ.

Warlock: I’m not.

Me: I hate you all SO MUCH.

And so ends the tale of The Wizard Formerly Known As Boxer, Slayer of Ants’ Great Day Out. I hope you enjoyed it, though the shenanigans didn’t end there. Other small highlights included.
>Finally taking revenge on the dragon and making an utter spectacle of it
>Nuking giant ants with Fireballs, hence the Slayer of Ants
>Triple-critting a dire wolf with a ray of frost
>Finally getting the air ship, fighting griffin cavalry who wanted to tax the newfound technology (for all the red tape Arcum is highly efficient with their levies)
>Attempting to slaughter a hobgoblin army, and eventually defecting to it

rolled 1 = 1

>>15087371
6/10 decent read, couple of lollercoasters.Ultimately just a bunch of random shit.

>Is accosted by a man in adventuring gear, looking for a companion to go find a treasure and slay a dragon on a distant mountain
>Guy is just as over-the-top and bold as the ranger, so the ranger agrees
>Fastforward to the mountain, get to the top and find gold dragon
>Dragons are not bound by alignment here, dragon attacks
>Other man is a 1st level commoner with delusions of grandeur, dies immediately
>Ranger barely escapes with his life, vows revenge, selects Dragons as favored enemy and starts fast-tracking custom weapons from the gadget shop
>Dragon later becomes a minor villain, rest of party is encouraged to pursue.
I am SO stealing that.

Damn, almost wish I didn't have to go to a party now. If this thread somehow manages to purge by the time I get back, I will be one sad panda.

>>15087565
heh. I was the warlok, and also the DM in >>15069705
and related.

That player's ridiculousness never ended. He constantly kept me (as a DM) on my toes by exploiting my houserules and coming up with *insane* but really damn useful uses for my crazy artifacts. Like the flying shield.
He's invented a religion to unite a tribe of gnolls behind their new-age "hey guys, let's try farming instead of MURDERING EVERYONE" leader. THEN the 'gnolls are PC races now" pamphlet came out (4e), and he dropped a tower on the new gnoll leader and caused permanent brain injury to his previous character, then united the gnolls under his HORRIBLY evil barbarian.

That campagin fell apart due to summer break, but he later told me that he was planning to work for the [japan-esque warlord emperor] until he owned the world, then just usurp the Emperor and keep the world for his own. It was quite devious.

>>15069897
"Mesaphales." He's an American McGee's Alice-cheshire cat, (emaciated, creepy as hell), held by his personal agent, which is.. basically the attached pic, but with less suit, and only one of them.

I like making things up on the fly; my best sessions were lit. made up on the spot. The Ifrit cave was great; i think the ranger died once from his own stupidity.

>>15087158
I still contend that "Did someone order a pizza?" should have worked on my NATURAL FREAKING 20 (+11) bluff >>

>>15087921
His personal agent is daft punk?

>>15069705
The thing about this game was that it a was a prequel to an evil (massive homebrew) vampire campaign I ran the year before at home (not-college). Best. Game. Ever.

First thing in the game:
DM (me): You're vampires. Deal with it. You come to the town of Narasume [this town is immediately renamed "Narfuck" by the players]"
(one guard is sleeping (drunk) the other is a lv1 commoner)
That Awesome Guy: I kill the awake guard and hang him from a tree by his entrails.

Me: O_O.

they then proceed to run into the town screaming about how a guard is dead by the hand of vampires. And sell themselves as vampire hunters.

Highlights:
>>"So you're standing on the tallest building in town, about to shotput a hobo into the glass&mirror factory..."
In the next town, to make it seem like an epidemic, and to make it seem like vampires are out to destroy all mirrors. They then kidnap a hobo, drag him back to Narfuck in a sack, and set him on fire in the city square. They claim a hefty reward.

...man, that game was great....

>>15087991
well, less robot. He was the same crazy starfeild cut-out. More golem-ish tho.

>>15087991
the tl;dr of it is that they were recruited by "Vinnaeus Darkeye," the local magic item / rare book dealer. And vampire quest giver. He gave vampire quests. Notably "read this. Yeah, you can; you're a vampire. Either get me [mcguffin 1/3] from the sewer or GTFO"

They do. He's crazy excited, and sends them to an island to find a necromancer who knows some theory. They have a hard time crossing the bay to the island (vampires), and then marvel at the architecture and random-limb monsters. I'd just gotten the MM3 and 4, and was using them liberally. There was a fountain of an angel being ripped apart by imps, and one of a fairie impaled several times on the same spear (serious need of a chiropractor). It was freshmen year of highschool, bloody torture statues were still cool.

They fought a CREEPY little girl (back before that was cliche), then she joined Darkeye as a co-questgiver.

TIIIMMMEEE SSKIIIIPPPPP....
The party finds out that the BBEG (like, of this world; he's the reason the major religion was sun-worship, due to massive undead plague ~100yrs ago)'s soul was trapped and split into 3 parts. They hunt down the other 2; one in a jungle temple, and one was powering an Ultraloth's pocket dimension ( which collapsed around them when they took the gem the soul was trapped in, in a truly epic indiana-jones-esque sequence).

There were a LOT of great sessions, but I haven't slept in about 3 days, so I'm out for the night.

>>15070144
>>15070149
I know that I should be praising the ones actually posted in this thread but that was just too amazing.
I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that that was the best thing I've ever read.

bump

I was playing a game of 4th ed

My party was a Warlock, Wizard, Fighter/Cleric and Fighter (Me)

We were fighting rat men in a ruined fort investigating the murder of some official or someone.
We eventually enter a room that was once used for magic and arcane shit (it looked like a science lab). We look around in the room for clues and what not.

My fighter spots a jar of crystal full of amber liquid. Smell it. It's piss. I throw it out the window onto the street. It explodes and a fiery angel pops out and gives the fighter cleric a Flame Sword.

Also....BBEG of the castle gets put to Sleep by the wizard = insta-kill

>>15088331

Wait...the BBEG was low enough level to get put out by a Sleep spell, but powerful enough to imprison a fiery angel with a flaming sword in a bottle of piss?

>>15088437
Real D&D doesn't have a level limit on Sleep. Anyone can be affected, it simply takes longer to stick the better their saves are.

>>15087565
You're just saying that, I thought it was mighty entertaining.

Bumping for epic stories

>>15090473

I guess that works, if you don't mind PCs who can cast it six times per day and can churn out scrolls of it like they're toilet paper turning what was supposed to be a truly epic battle into a one-shot just by playing the numbers (assuming 3rd Ed).

Someone archive this thread!


...I can't. D:

>>15093615
Chanarchive.org

Nonono, the proper website is sup/tg/

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/15063299/

Make sure to vote for it!

Here's a decent one:

Ranger was dueling with an elf during some festival. Elf puts up a wind shield, making the ranger's bolts effectively useless. As a result, the ranger was more or less screwed, but the party cleric secretly cast dispel magic on the arena. Right as this happened the ranger rolled a crit on his shot, instantly killing the elf.

Who happened to be a noble. And everyone realized there was no way the ranger should've been able to use magic. He gets arrested, put on trial for his life under a cone of truth, and he's about to die.

The ranger ends up getting saved by the party wizard, who is also a noble. He uses some verbal trickery to admit that he used magic during the duel, but he can't be killed because he's in the Queen's favor. So instead he gets stripped of his title and they all get banished from town.

Wizard was such a bro.

bamp.

Back in the day, utter, utter noobs, no experience of D&D, DM had a little and was trying to nudge us through this dungeon.

>Lowbie chars, DM introduces a gelatinous cube (sort of a running joke between the two of us).
>We have no way of fighting it, just standing there as it slides towards us through the corridor.
>Our lololsorandum characters start screaming, the fighter throws their torch at it and the rogue follows through with a flask of lamp oil.
>The cube is apparently flammable and explodes everywhere.
>Orcs are attracted by the noise and we throw hot jelly at them.

Had so many short-lived and weird lowbie campaigns. Also in that same campaign:

>See monsters at the bottom of the corridor
>Run away loudly in the opposite direction
>Hop into a room and close the door
>There's a polite knock on the door
>Rogue replies "..hellooooo?"

You know what would really make this topic?

Uncle Wasteland Warrior

I wonder what happened to him?

>>15095706

Meh, only a .4 on the Henderson Scale.

Bump o' the night

>>15100049
Not even close. Fuck off.

no u

D&D 4th edition, everyone is around level 5. Been slogging through a long cave turned goblin war factory, we're all pretty much out of healing surges.
Rogue sneaks up ahead and reports back that the next room is a giant foundry filled with about 50 goblin blacksmiths, around 20-30 goblins trying on and testing out plate-mail, a fuck-off huge goblin walking around yelling at people, and another 20-30 running around carrying supplies.
Loathe as we are to fight all of these guys, I hatch a plan. I'm a lvl 5 Bard/sorcerer with the soul of sorcerey feat to gain 5 fire resistance, plus being a sorcerer.
"Hey DM, if I stick my sword in one of these barrels of pitch that are everywhere and light it on fire, do I take any damage?"
"Uh, 2, and if you save against damage the fire goes out."
"I have a travellers cloak over hide armour, if I light the cloak on fire, would I take any damage?"
"Call it three, you save, its out."
>>Perfect
After about 5 minutes of whispers and stealth checks, we bust out with the plan.
Two barrels worth of pitch and coal ignite and expolde out of the doorway, and I step in between them covered in flames with prestidigitated goblin skulls hovering around me. The cleric and the rogue are chucking goblin heads into the room from behind the smoke and firewhile the wizard is throwing out more prestidigitaion and fire spells. I scream in goblin that their prescence has long enough sullied my caves, and that I plan on reclaiming it through fire and blood, mention I am an ancient being of revenge, and conjecture that thier mothers were unskilled prostitutes.
Fucking 19 bluff roll, + 11 for my stats/skill bonus + 10 because it is a very convincing lie, and rather startling.
One stampede later, there are 30 some-odd dead, flat goblins, a dozen suits of small platemail, tons-literally-of weapons, and grins all around. The dwarven fighter assured us that he enjoyed the show between sips of whiskey.

This thread must not die!

>>15105970
Holy shit, I need to remember how important Bluff is. That's great!

Not a great story, but it's the best I've got:

Our party's fighting a bunch of goblins and a cyclops in a cave chamber. The goblins are dispatched but the cyclops is being hard as fuck and beating asses while my mage ass hangs back and uses whatever offensive spells I have left. The dwarf decides he's done for the night and begins to run, yelling for everyone to "save your bones and flee with me." I'm ready to follow, but I decided to take a potshot with my sling before I go. The stone connects and the cyclops goes down. 2 HP left and I did 3 damage.

>mfw

This is a lucky roll story more than an ingenuity but I've been itching to tell someone.

>D&D 4e
>Awakened house-cat Invoker devoted to Bane (it's 4e, so I figured it's already silly. We're playing a pretty casual dungeon-crawl anyway)
>Minotaur Cleric and Dwarven Fighter fail to kick in the door
>Make a joke about succeeding if I roll a 20
>DM laughs and says okay
>mfw I roll a 20

>>15109827
It had 2HP left when the dwarf tried to book it? Uh, okay. Still, congrats on downing it.

Eh my DM was shit but then again we were playing a casual Don't give a shit game

>Using new character
>Warrior
>get +12 to all jumps
>Decide to Jump up in a tree to scout ahead for my party members
>Roll a 15, so 27 jump
>everyone in the game goes WTF
>Cue nigger jokes
>Decide I won't to be ninja
>Jump from tree to tree

Later in the same game
>Both our rangers decide to try and steal from trolls
>Walk into trap and end up catching on fire
>Sorcerer had offered to fire flare into the room
>Would of disabled the trap
>DM goes "HER DER THERE'S WINDOWS GUYS"
>I decide to jump into the window to help the party
>Trolls have conveniently trapped it too
>Walk out of the room on fire and sit down in a fountain


after that the game kinda fell apart because of the DM

>>15110322
It's not like you have HEALTH BARS in RPGs that let you see how much HP something has left you know.

>>15110522
I generally play by the
>spot check, how fucked does it look?
rule

>>15110522
Guess it's a DM thing. Mine always lets us know when the baddie is nearing death.