Let's hear Of Dice and Men, the title alone got me interested

Depends if you've told either of them before.

The Calculator.

>>15730835
I second this, i'm curious.

Tell the story you daft cunt wanker

>>15730870
Let the man craft his story, bro.

>>15730836
They're both old, but nothing I've shared here.

SO! Of Dice and Men. Also, please feel free to spread around your own tales of woe. I do type these out as I go, I don't have em prepared in advance like some people. Also, inb4 derailment due to one small detail in a story.

So we're all gathered there at my friend's house to play us some dungeons and dragons. Or so I thought, anyways. My buddy was back from school in another state and itching to try out a campaign he'd prepared. When we got together, though, two guys were running late and another just wasn't answering his phone. The two guys ended up bailing entirely so we were left with the four of us. We'll call them Boe, Sam, and Lenny. Lenny because, well, read on.

Boe decides that because we cannot run Sam's game, because he had prepared it for a group of 5, altered it for the expected group of 6 due to the last minute addition, and now we only had 3, that Boe would instead run an impromptu game. I tucked away my barbarian's character sheet, a little disappointed because I had already thought of a dozen different possible scenarios that could have played out.

Boe is not a particularly big fan of DnD, the 3.5, 4e, or any other kind. So he decides that we're going to play Pathfinder. Lenny doesn't know Pathfinder, however. Boe assures Lenny that the transition will be made rather easily. Since Lenny doesn't know ANY system between some corned beef, I figured it would've been harder than Boe suspected, but no harder than it was going to be to teach him DnD like was originally planned for the evening.

But, because Lenny insists he knows D20 and runs games of his own in the system, Boe decides to run a D20 modern campaign. But I don't know how to play, so Sam, a master of all systems and some sort of rulebook-memorizing wizard decides to guide my hand.

>>15730816
as an homage to the last few threads:
HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME USE A COASTER?!?!

>>15730886
IT'S MY GRANDPA'S TABLE BRO

But enough of the grim past.


So, we're sitting there as Lenny rolls himself up a character, telling us that he plans on making some kind of wrestler. I decide on a sort of weapons/mechanic/driver and pilot type. Sam chooses a mad scientist. Boe gives us all one of his trademark 'REALLY?' looks and says, 'Right, well, you guys roll up characters and I'll cobble together some Venture Brothers and Johnny Quest missions.

Sam walks me through character creation (in reality, it was more him making my character and asking me questions for the sake of speed) and Lenny takes care of himself. When all is said and done I wound up with an ex-military middle-aged Russian, Sam had his mad scientist, and Lenny...

Lenny had made what he called a 'Luchadore.' Only, in the end, there was quite literally nothing spanish, or really even wrestling, about the 'Luchadore.' Save, I suppose, for his immense size and strength, and his gamebreaking grapple. If Lenny wanted to grab something, he grabbed it. At his worst possible roll, Sam calculated, Lenny would still succeed in a grapple against anything we were likely to come up against, unless it was an actual monster of some kind. And in that case, Lenny would still likely grapple and subdue it.

Only on a nat 20 of the enemy or a nat 1 of Lenny's would Lenny fail. And, even in THAT case, Lenny had some sort of feat or ability or who knows what that let him reroll a nat 1 once per combat.

Don't ask me. I don't know D20 Modern. Or any D20 system. I just know that Sam wasn't willing to read through the gobbledegook of Lenny's character sheet, and Boe is the kind of guy who wouldn't stop a train wreck if you paid him.

It gets. Worse.

>>15730816

That guy who threw a fit because host wanted him to use a coaster

>>15730954
Pic related.

So, Boe in his usual fashion asks us all to tell him about our characters. The Doctor is, as Sam said he would be, a mad scientist. He will do anything in the pursuit of SCIENCE. He has a lab in an old bunker in the city's outskirts, he invents terribly powerful and sometimes (more like every time) lethal devices, and employs shady people that probably couldn't get hired anywhere that does their taxes.

Which is how he came to employ my character, and Lenny. My character serves as The Doctor's driver and pilot, as well as his bodyguard. He uses a thick russian accent, drinks frequently, and doesn't blink at breaking fingers or cutting out tongues if he's asked.

You might be asking yourself, 'Why isn't Lenny the bodyguard? He has a better grapple than batman, and he's also a wrestler.'

Because Lenny has an intelligence score of 4. And, to quote Lenny (the player, not the character) "I plan on playing him like Lenny from Of Mice and Men." To this I said, "You mean unaware of his own strength?" "I mean unaware of most things. Like a retard."

And boy did he mean retarded. We could not interact with Lenny without having to treat him like Bizarro from Superman. If we weren't saying shit in the most dumbed down way possible, he simply decided his character could not understand it. His character would then respond in the way he deemed most entertaining. This usually involved extremely underacting in tense, combat related moments, or overreacting in social situations. Such as brutally murdering a woman in a public bathroom.

>>15730951
Faaaasssttterrrr
don't make me put my soda down on the pool table

FASTER DAMN YOU

i didn't want to but you made me do it

>>15731055

His character would only call my character George, despite his name being Nikolai. He also warned me, OOC, to not get involved with any women. Which, ya know, puts a severe damper on my mood because I planned on making my character into a kind of ladies' man, despite his age, and had invested points accordingly.

He was like the big, dumb, abominable snowman in Loony Tunes. He even did the voice. Did I say that he carried around a teddy bear everywhere he went and took commands from it?

He took points in 'Glompgobbles.' The secret babby language only he and his teddy bear spoke. What followed was 5 hours of Sam and I trying to complete the campaign that Boe had set up while Lenny intentionally, being meta if necessary, ruined anything and everything he could in the game. If Teddy happened to get a tear, everything had to stop to fix Teddy. If we wanted to steal a car, Lenny was loud, brutish, and drew as much attention as possible. If we were interrogating a guy, Lenny knocked me aside and outright killed him.

The only saving grace of this game was when, at the end, The Doctor and I collectively decided to work together to murder Lenny. Sam, working his little, sectioned off area of the bunker that he called his lab, rigged the place with so many damn explosives that the entire city would think the States were being invaded. We then went out (to a club to follow up on one last loose end that resulted in Lenny killing a woman I tried to hook up with, as I expected.) When we returned, I said, "I want to try and listen to the door to see if Big Carl's hitman might have set a trap for us, but I want to approach the door quietly so he won't hear me coming."

Lenny, as if on cue, rolls a d20, acting as though all of his idiotic moves are guided by the fates, and says, "I'll run at full speed and throw open the door so I won't miss my favorite show." Boe asks me what I'd like to do, and I say that I'll step right out of Lenny's way.

Lenny throws open the door, and we throw away Lenny.

>>15730876
>>15730951
>>15731003
>>15731087
>>15731093
BUENO

MORE DAMNIT

>>15731169
Does nobody else have a That Guy story to share? I can't be the only guy.

>>15731197
>>15731169
I've never played DND, but I will be able to soon :(

>>15731197
You're a magnet for "Those guys" and thus you have taken them away from the rest of us.

>>15731197
This is odd indeed. Usually we'd have many an anon here to offer their story.

>>15731197

oh i have a few stories about "that guy" but its 2am and its getting hard to type coherently

>>15731215
That's even better, we may end up with a very entertaining typo along with the story.

I have a few "that guy" stories about Magic. Most are single interactions when I was out of town, but a few more are from people who either ARE, or WERE in my playgroup.

I could also discuss one That DM we had in high school.

>>15731213
Maybe because we had a huge That Guy thread not a day ago.

>>15731232
Do it. Tell us about every bastard, asshole, That Guy/DM/Girl/Book ever.

> be in a campaign
>socially awkward guy makes "Ivan"
>stereotypically russian drunk barbarian
>attempts to roleplay are awkward and stall the action heavily
>Merciless DM makes him get dragged into a pit of lava scarring him horribly and almost killing him
> Makes his roleplaying even more awkward
>Eventually just dies in combat, ends up rolling something normal
TFGreform.jpg

Meh, I haven't been here in ages but all my stories "That guy" or otherwise have been shared by me or others. Wish I had more games but been in a dry spell for the past half a year.

Bumping because I love these threads, always makes me think of Researcher Sam.

Ok, mine isn't very long, but i'll share it:

My friend decides he's going to run a 3.5 campaign, after the D20 modern campaign I was running ended suddenly when the players managed to incite a thermo-nuclear war. He's never DM'd before, but he's a good role player, and draws a lot of story line influence from the literary works of Patrick Rothfus, so I'm cool with this.

Four of us playing, we'll label J, S, C and myself. C is a female-half-elf-woodling Druid, and a virgin, but more on that later. S is a human Paladin, I'm a human Swashbuckler and J, that guy, is a female Catfolk rogue. The adventure opens on a boat heading for the Guild Lands. As we near shore, the boat is sabotaged and bursts into flames. The catfolk, insanely opposed to getting in the water, goes into a panic rage and starts trying to kill anyone who attempts to get her to abandon ship.

>>15731238
All right, I've got a few, you guys take your pick.

Double Kakashi, The Time I Got Punched By A Marine, The Viking Funeral, The Tear, or Scumbag Steve?

>>15731250
Researcher Sam?

>>15731250
Hey, WIGK. You were in a game I ran.

As a Wendigo. Dat game, man.

>>15731252
Double Kakashi sounds pretty bad. Let's hear that.

>>15731254
Oh please tell me that his infamy has not faded! He invented the Ero perils of the warp table!
>>15731256
Holy shit man! Wish that game didn't crash and burn so hard.... I certainly enjoyed it. Been more of a /v/ man as of late due to lack of games.

>>15731261
Oh fuck. 4:00am here, forget I said anything.

>>15731261
Yeah. I wouldn't mind running a game with you, Abigail, and Blackie, if we could get everyone together for a game. But those other two. My god.

>>15731252
Scumbag Steve

>>15731271
... Nari and... can't remember the other dude.
The Iajutsu focus guy who kept raving about his combat munchkin-ness and the one that was never there right? And Abi was the druid?
Blackie is still around, just started an L5R game with him.

>>15731251

Finally get to shore, tending to survivors. Start hearing screams/ rustling from the grass line. Investigation reveals blood trails leading back into the forest. It's getting dark, but we decide to follow and try to save the captives. All except that guy. His character climbs a tree and starts to bathe herself.

We end up encountering these creatures that look like giant centipedes. A quick combat dispatches them, and we follow their tracks back to the hive. There we find the captives, all female, suspended in cocoons, approximately 8-9 months pregnant, hanging from trees. We recalled seeing a lot of pregnant women on the ship. A successful knowledge check informs us that these creatures breed by tainting the embryos of pregnant females and turning their offspring into centipede things, but the process takes time. We cut them down, find one that looks about to pop and induce labor. Accompanying a flood of black fluid is a healthy baby boy. Problem solved. Cut them all down, induce labor, good karma is had by all.

That guy finally decides to join us. We inform him of the situation, and he takes it upon himself to kill all of the women, even though our plan was working. "It's what my character would do, I'm chaotic neutral." Glares around the table.

>>15731279
I have wanted to play L5R forever, god damn. I can't find a game, and I'm leery about the Thursday night whoever-shows-up games on suptg.

But Abigail...might have been Nari? The rogue? Then there was the druid with the bear head and then the guy who 'went home every adventure, went to bed and was level 1 again' so his character background was basically 'every game I was ever in.'

>>15731260
All right, we'll start with Double Kakashi.

You see, when I was in high school, I was a bit of a weeaboo for a while, as were my friends. One friend was SUPER into DBZ and Naruto, specifically. We hung out at his house pretty often, he had a projector so we'd play games on his WALL, and do other stuff. One day, he invites us to do a Naruto game he was running with BESM.

He's a great guy, but this was the worst session he ever put us through. He was fond of epic-level stuff in DnD, but railroaded HARD. For this one, he had us basically do Kakashi's first test from Naruto: 2 bells on the instructor, and 3 team members. First 2 to get their bells win.

The thing is, his ninja was basically Double Kakashi. As in, Kakashi, except with TWO headbands, one covering each eye. He used some jutsu to 'see' through the eyes of a hawk, though. The bullshit thing is this was pretty much what combat went like.

"Okay, roll to hit."
>Got a 15.
"Roll to HIT."
>Got 17.
"Now, roll to see if he dodges."
>Got a 14.
"Now roll to see if it bypasses his armor"

Basically, he'd railroad COMBAT. He'd just keep making you roll to hit over, and over, and over, with a new bullshit reason for each time, until you missed, or until he ran out of excuses, and said the guy only took glancing damage or something. After about 30 minutes, I was done.

And thus was born the tale of Double Kakashi.

>>15731294
Woah wait, did someone say L5R? Hot damn dude! I'd be all over that! Always wanted to give it a shot.

>invited to play D&D with friends
>get to host's place, surrounded by bros, ready for a good time
>host: "By the way... we gotta let my little brother play..."
>well, okay, no one really has a problem with it
>little bro is like 12
>makes a wizard named Unga Bunga
>everyone is trying to progress
>he does stupid shit like burn houses down on a whim and only ever uses one spell, cowers most of the time
>gets upset if we don't humor him
>time to kill the villain of the week, a nobleman who is secretly abducting young women to practice necromancy upon
>little bro is getting bored, wants game to end
>"I roll to have a pet lion who attacks and kills the villain."
>no previous mention of this pet lion, or one hit kills
>DM looks at host
>host is embarassed but nods
>little bro rolls d20, gets a 7
>DM, defeated, says "A lion materializes in front of Unga Bunga and instantly kills the villain."
>he even wins the loot even though he can't use it
>host later asks if we can replace his little bro with my girlfriend
>we show up to next session
>there's little bro, ready to play
NOPE

>>15731286

Arrive in guild capital, I offer my services as sell sword, and am taken on for a hefty sum. Meanwhile, Catfolk is marauding through town, seducing and killing random people. "If they think there's a murderer on the loose, they'll pay someone to kill him, then I'll frame someone." Proceeds to kill about 15 more innocent people. In game, party only has sparse knowledge of any of it. OOC, more glares. "What, I'm chaotic neutral." Explained that he was chaotic evil, he argued that he wasn't. Paladin is ready to strike her down, but goes and prays for her soul instead, not wanting to disrupt the campaign.

Some time later, I get my first payment from the guild. Catfolk, after failed attempt to seduce my character, attempts to pick pocket me for my gold. Catch her in the act, Draw greatsword and swing. Nat 20, Nat 20, Nat 20. DM looks in awe. "Did you just roll 3 20s in a row?"
I smile. "Yup."
"You know what that means, right?"
"Yup"
In his campaign, 3 nat 20s = instant death.
J is furious.
"I was just playing my character!"
"So was I."
He packed up his things and left.

>>15731276
Okay, Scumbag Steve.

I've run into Scumbag Steve every time I've gone to a prerelease in Albuquerque. By and large, the community there is wonderful and helpful and great. But not this guy.

Think of the most stereotypical "Dude, bro, totally sick rager last night" frat idiot you can think of. Down to the stupid hat and the popped collar. Now, throw in some skater/stoner culture, add in the fact that he's pretty good at Magic... and that he's a condescending dick, and acts like Magic is a shitty game that he plays out of obligation.

I always end up being paired against him at some point, or watching one of my friends play him. He uses a playmat obnoxiously coated in Top 8 pins and stuff, bright pink sleeves, and often spends half the game joking with his friends about how shitty his opponent's deck and play are, texting, and playing shitty hip hop music on his phone. He has a very big air of "I don't even consider you HUMAN, how dare you waste my time" about him. He seriously asks, before every match, "Do you just want to save us some time and concede to me? I don't like to wear down my sleeves if I can avoid it".

So, Scumbag Steve. Really irritating guy, makes the whole store look bad. Don't know his real name, don't care to.

>>15731197
I've got one. I'll share.

Just a few weeks before Christmas, I was hosting DnD. One of my group mates wanted to invite his friend over to try playing with us, who had much more experience. Since we only have four in the group, I allow it. Thinking it would be nice to have another around. I was fucking wrong.

Before I go any further. One of my players is a 6'6 Ukrainian. Ex-military. Guy works out. Tattoo's all over his arms. He looks pretty scary if you don't know him. He plays a custom made Tiger race. But. He manages to never sexualizes it. Unlike the other two players. He never wants to fuck anything or pull his dick out and wave it at the baron. Always been a real bro.

Now, back to the story. The guy that was invited was this greasy neckbeard. He was a decent guy at first, but then when we got to playing. He turned out to be, THAT GUY. He was constantly bitching about the house rules, and anything that was slightly wrong. Grabbing one of the books, showing everyone and always making sure to rub it in the other players face.

By this time. I wasn't planning on inviting him back to the next game. But when he found out the Ukrainian was playing a Anthro race? He would not shut the fuck up about it. Always making remarks about it and constantly calling him a furry. In till the Ukrainian had called him out on his shit and told him to shut the fuck up.

After called on his bullshit. He settled down.

>>15731294
Heh, yeah, the rogue was boss, the druid wasn't too bad but a bit... overdramatic? HARKER was crazy, fuck your Iajutsu focus I'm a large-gargantuan sized Wendigo, I don't think until that dwarf fight that he truly understood my damage output. Still, that Wendigo was fun as hell to RP, still, felt like such a "that guy" making a furry melee munchkin. But I hope I made up for it with RP.
>>15731300
Wow, I had a mate who ran a full Naruto game with his own custom system, it works rather well and his group is still going strong. Still, hate GMs who make you roll inane rolls for railroad.
>>15731302
Woah, woah? I'm lost.

>>15731344

About mid-game. We took a break to eat, smoke and all of that. While outside, The neck beard said he needed to use the restroom. (We made fun of him while he had went back inside.) He had been so butthurt about being called out. He had went back to the room and ripped up his character sheet, notes and inventory, along with a bunch of other stuff he had written down in his binder. Then threw it all in the Ukrainians backpack, took his water bottle and poured it in it, ruining a few of his DnD books.

Right before we returned inside, The neckbeard stepped out, we all went back into the room, and immediately the Ukrainian noticed all his stuff was missing. So we went looking about the room for it, while the neck beard sat back and watched us. Then the Ukrainian checked his backpack. He reached in, pulled what was left of his sheet out and threw the soaked up wad on the table.

Soon as we saw it. We all knew who it was. The Neckbeard was swearing it wasn't him. You know those terrible liars that smile some? This was him. The Ukrainian planted his hand down on the table. Leaned across and hit the neckbeard right in the side of his jaw. Nearly knocking him out of the chair. Turned back to his backpack. Grabbed two of the Neckbeard's books to replace his damaged ones. Then just walked out and went home.

As for the Neck beard. He left crying. Didn't say a word either, just got up, walked out to his car and left. I haven't heard back from him since the group, although, I still regularly play with everyone else.

It amazes me people would be dick heads to someone they didn't even know.

>>15731350
Yeah. It wasn't the shitty storyline or the blatantly copied characters or the setting that bugged me. What bugged me was that he was using the game as an excuse to show off his fanfiction, essentially. He was famous for that shit. He'd just railroad the fuck out of you, and then his stupid character would come save the day. It got old, and I told him so, just played on the PS3 while they finished their game.

Next up: Viking Funeral, The Tear, or The Time I Got Punched By A Marine?

>>15731372
the time you got punched by a marine please and thank you

>>15731372
Time you got punched by a marine!

>>15731372
I vote for the Tear. Only because the Marine story sounds familiar. Have you told it before?

>>15731372
After That Guy getting belted by a Ukrainian, the Marine Punch sounds interesting.

>>15731394
Many times, because it is often asked for. I'll do that one, then the Tear, then the Viking Funeral.

So, there's a guy in my group who is a Marine. He's OVERALL a nice enough guy, but he's a grognard. He's in his 40s or 50s, and has been playing since before 6th Edition. He also tends to get muddied up in old rules, and argues with people very frequently, and while he'll usually end up caving in and accepting what you say, he'll do so really passive-aggressively, as if he's insinuating that he still thinks you're lying.

He's there sometimes, sometimes he isn't; he actually lives like 3 hours away, but he visits every weekend to spend the weekend with his kids [the oldest of which is in our group, and a great kid], and play Magic with us. One week, he was playing his favorite 'broken' deck; it uses Lifegift, Crucible of Worlds, Strip Mine, and Fastbond to have infinite land destruction. It's really just irritating at worst, but he used to trounce us with it when we were new and awful, and it's still his favorite to bust out when his ego gets bruised.[cont]

>>15731432
Anyway, he's getting his ASS kicked due to a guy managing to stick a Hypnotic Specter and a Megrim before he got the combo online, and he's being chipped away since he has no real win-con. He has one card in hand, and the guy swings with Hyppie. James, let's call him, tries to avoid the Megrim damage by casting the spell: Mana Tithe, with no targets. It's a casual game, and I'm just half-watching, and I chime in "James, you can't do that. You need a legal target." He was still at like 6 even with Megrim damage, so it wasn't game-ending, but he argued with me that yes he can, or that he can just target the Tithe itself. I'm backing off, about to say "I just wanted to let you know for future reference" and he tells me to "Back the fuck off". Now, at this point, I'm like 18. He's 40, and a MARINE. I say "Really, James? Over a CARD GAME?" and he stands up and lays me out on my ass with one punch. I scramble to my feet, he's glaring at me, and he packs up his stuff and starts to leave. I rush over to the management of our establishment and tell them it's fine, it was a misunderstanding, not to kick us out. He apologized a few minutes later, and hasn't ever done anything like it, but still, I get to tell the story of when I was punched by a Marine. And then when his 14 year old son chewed him out in the parking lot, including the phrase "I am VERY disappointed in you", "You should be ashamed of yourself", and "What is WRONG with you? you get back in there and apologize!"

>>15731372
Time I got punched by a marine. +1
I had a DM try to railroad me a bit, he gave us these super-awesome 7 Sin (Sort of) items and then expected us to give them up. Now my good aligned dragonborn cleric did not agree, I had the Pride Breastplate intelligent item and it had yet to do anything outright evil and was in my good graces. So he has my god demand me to turn it over for destruction, I ask "You would ask me to kill my friend?" effectively said yes and promised me an avengers sword down the track. I walked right out of that temple and lost my powers, actually managed to change the things viewpoint maybe not alignment changeworthy but certainly made it not want to work for the badguys. Actually had a lot of fun in that campaign and never got to gain my powers back due to the GM leaving town to pursue his acting career, he's doing well too.

>>15730816
>See a THAT GUY thread
>"Heh last night that guy thread turned into coasters..."
>See OP's name

OH GOD /tg/ WE CREATED OUR OWN MEME

>>15731436

>>15731436
Jeeeeeeesus.

>>15731448
I'm OP from that coaster thread. Grab a seat, have a coaster.

>>15731448
>Come back to /tg/ after a long hiatus
>My ex-gm and all around pretty cool guy is now tripfag meme
It's like Wasteland Warrior all over again.
Also, what's the list looking like for universal /tg/ that guys?
I remember....
Scribe Inquisitor John (Even a webcomic made fun of the guy.)
Researcher Sam
And Exalted
Might be missing some, oh and me.

>>15731463
do you have that comic?

Next up, The Tear!

When I was 15 or 16, some friends and I went out of town for a JSS tournament, back when they still had those. It was around the time of Time Spiral/Ravnica standard, and Standard was the format. One friend brought a combo deck that would use Cloudstone Curio and Akki Rockspeaker to create an 'infinite' Storm Combo, and kill people with a few thousand Grapeshots. He'd ask his opponent their birth date and year when he combo'd, and then say "Okay, I deal 11 24 1985 damage to you. Happy birthday!". Cute deck, not very consistent. I brought mono-green aggro, which would have done better if I didn't make so many obvious play mistakes and get greedy. ANYWAY. We went to a shop other than our usual one in Albuquerque, this was in a different town. We'd only ever been there on sundays before, usually the shop was dead, so we only knew the staff. Well, apparently all of the people who played there were total rules-lawyering [and I mean TOURNAMENT rules] assholes, who would try to get 'free' wins off their opponents all the time. I had three different opponents try to call me on having 'marked' sleeves when I had sleeved the deck literally an hour before the event, with sleeves that I bought the day before.

[Cont]

>>15731474
But that wasn't as bad as The Tear. You see, these were the first non-penny sleeves I had ever used, and I didn't know they could tear on the sides. Round 4, a guy mash and riffle shuffled my deck as hard as he could, until a sleeve tore. I hadn't brought spares; I left them at home, not knowing I would NEED spares. He tries to get me DQed over that, saying it would take too long for me to desleeve the deck [plus, one of my Giant Growths was only sleeve playable], and I didn't have the money for replacements, and nobody had a replacement Giant Growth. Luckily, the store owner saw him being a dick, and he said "Then how nice it was of you to replace his sleeves for him, Tony. I'll put it on your tab". I ended up losing to him anyway, but it was still shitty. One of the guys beat us all by round 3 [myself and my 2 friends] and bragged loudly to the whole store about how he had been the first one to beat "ALL of the losers from Roswell!"

That was the last time we went to that shop. The owner obviously didn't like their bullshit, but they spent so much there that he had to put up with it. I think the store eventually shut down.

>>15731294
>>15731302
there are 4, maybe 5 games running among the people in suptg's L5R folks, I think one or two of them have spots open.

>>15731473
http://eatatau.smackjeeves.com/comics/860115/nightshow-ii/
Here it is. Wish the webcomic updated more frequently.

>>15731527
thanks bro, much appreciated

>>15731525
But I'm brand new to the system. I don't know how willing anybody would be to put up with a couple of sessions of, 'Er...what do I roll for that?'

I'm no math nazi. But I guess I'll poke around.

>>15731581
From what I hear, the L5R community is small and close-knit. They'd likely pounce on the chance to add another person to their ranks, and I'm sure they'd be glad to teach you.

All right, I'll let someone else post for a bit, and then you guys can hear the story of the Viking Funeral.

>>15731581
>But I'm brand new to the system. I don't know how willing anybody would be to put up with a couple of sessions of, 'Er...what do I roll for that?'
Zero issue, between the people and the elegance of the system.

>>15731591
>From what I hear, the L5R community is small and close-knit. They'd likely pounce on the chance to add another person to their ranks, and I'm sure they'd be glad to teach you.
This is true, though I can't guarantee an open spot in a game right away. They fill up quick.

>>15731581
It's fairly simple to tell the truth, although making a character is awkward the first time around since you have to read through 3 different sections just to figure out how to increase your stats. Thankfully the game I'm in is WW doing a newbie friendly game for our RP group, since only he and Blackie had played before.
>>15731591
Your stories are much appreciated, wish I could compensate but my stories are told or not mine persay.
It's like buying cocoa on Necromunda. (Because that's what my character would do.) God that game was a riot to listen in on.

I guess I got one I can share of my last DnD 3.5 game.

How I came to be dating THAT GIRL.

So my best bud and I decide we haven't played anything besides Battletech in years and that we should run a weekend lvl 1 DnD game with him as DM, his gf, my gf and her twin sister and me as players.

His gf is an old hand and has a ton of RP experience, even more than me. My gf and her twin have never played before.

My bud catches them looking through his player book for character ideas and going "Oh, look at level 25 you get wings. I want that for our game."

Wisely he decides to make some prerolled characters that we get to choose from.

I guess I'll tell the Calculator story. It's not very long. But basically, over the course of eight months I was in a game with three other friends and a DM we met through a local gaming store who was advertising for his game on a bulletin board. He gave an address for the game, but no e-mail or phone number. The paper essentially just said to come on by if you were interested, for a meet-and-greet sort of DnD party, and that there'd be a few tables set up and people could bring their own games or join in on any open ones.

Anywho, me and my frinds decided to go check it out, since it was a Friday night and there was little else to do. We were sort of...not open to the idea of driving out to a pretty shady part of town to meet new people, but as we had Dave with us (for those of you just tuning in, Dave is a big motherfucker with a big anger problem, but a total bro, otherwise) we weren't too frightened.

We get to the place, and at first glance it looks like a car garage, like they worked on cars or something. But it had a big painting of the Hulk on one side. The doors were down, but we could see a light, so we knocked. Ron answered the door, though I of course didn't know his name then.

Ron was a short guy, maybe 5'4, and probably 250 lbs, balding terribly, but in his late twenties. Or so he said. What he lacked on top of his head, he made up for in neckbeard. Nobody else showed up to game. Not that night, or on any of the Fridays afterwards, for the entire 8 months we played and Ron had his notice up.

>>15731690

So he rolls up a Kinder Rogue just to be evil, Half Orc Barbarian, Elf Ranger, Human Sorcerer, Half-elf Wizard, and Human Cleric.

I figure the gals would go with something a little more hack-n slash on their first time out. Dead wrong. His gf takes the Kinder just to be troll, my gf takes the wizard, her sister takes the cleric.

So obviously we needed the Barbarian to complete the outfit. Now I don't like playing characters with an intelligence of 2. Having my guys think up interesting ways to solve stuff is half the fun. But I was like, well, considering all the goblins we're facing and the only other experienced player is dicking around with a Kinder we're all gonna die if I don't.

>>15731706
For the most part, it's actually a rather unremarkable tale. Ron did not allow me to play the paladin I prepared, because he said paladins were broken, and that the mandatory Lawful Good alignment was bad enough. He would not let Dave play the fighter that Dave made, because he didn't allow dwarves in his game. His world did not have dwarves, or any half-species either, for that matter.

Ron took a very by the numbers and by the book approach to things. There were rules, period, and you obeyed them. If you did not have the mastery of the rules that Ron did, that was quite fine. Ron took no annoyance at having to pull out a book. He didn't have all the rules memorized, like my buddy Sam, but he did have the pages down. He knew right where to flip to find out whether or not you could do this or that, though most of the information a DM needed was on his glorious DM screen. The DM screen was made of thick plastic plates, hinged together, and he could arrange information inside of them however he wanted, locking plates together as needed for larger or smaller bits of info, or blackout slips for where he wanted to roll his dice.

We might not have kept gaming with Ron, were it not for the fact that the campaign he ran for us had us craving more. We did all but dress up, and when Dave jokingly said, one night, 'Man, this is some old school DnD, we're only missing robes and wizard hats,' Ron responded with, 'We can wear costumes if everyone likes.'

Also, Ron and I got to compare miniatures. His collection rivaled my own, and he had dice like no other. In spirit, this guy was the nerd I wanted to be but wouldn't let myself become.

>>15731752
>Also, Ron and I got to compare miniatures.

im sorry but i laughed

>>15731751
Pic: Were are the coasters?

>>15731812
*where

>>15731752
But, in any case, the game was excellent and Dave and I didn't mind making new characters, especially because Ron already had a stack of character sheets ready to sift through. There were some 50 in total, I'd say, and Ron said that if we didn't like those, there were more in his car. But I found a rogue I liked and Dave tried out a wizard for once.

The next eight months went off without a hitch. We gamed every other week, missing only one session because Ron didn't show up. I still don't know why, when we asked he just said that he had 'personal matters to attend to.' The garage was a place that Ron purchased up with inheritance, evidently, that he planned to one day make into a comic and gaming store 'better than that glorified pawn shop' that he posted his ad at.

Anywho, like I said the game was awesome, we all had fun. What was most amazing was that Ron, despite his vast collection of dice, had a series of programs on his calculator (one of those big graphing calculators, though I don't think it was any TI-83 or similar) that he used to determine many things. He'd use it to roll his dice, he'd use it to factor certain 'variables' the game didn't take into consideration, including the unevenness of ground, wind and weather conditions, all sorts of things, and he'd apply modifiers accordingly. He also used it to generate NPCs and enemy stats because there was no wi-fi or internet available at his little garage and none of us had a phone that could do anything fancy online.

One night, one of our friends, while Ron had gotten up to go the bathroom during a ten minute break in the session, took a peak behind the screen. I don't know what the hell he was thinking. Whether he intended to cheat, get a better look at the DM Screen, see what tables were on it, or if it was the calculator itself he was interested in, but he called us over from the snack table.

>>15731751

As we proceed to assault the Goblin Stronghold, the Wizard is supposed to be our leader since he's the smartest.

Instead instead of any pretense at roleplay or problem solving, they attack it like they're playing fable on single player.

Abandon the Barbarian in the middle of fights. Wait for me to kill everything so they don't waste their precious magic.

I roll fucking 19's and 20's on my 2 big knowledge checks to get us through the dungeon.

They only help when I'm this close to dying several times by being knocked out. Kinder loots everything during battle and does the bullshit IC thing where they pretend to know nothing.

So then the Wizard and Cleric get the bright idea to start fighting over the loot every time I'm knocked out.

I finally make it through the dungeon after I singlehandedly murder 15 Goblins, 2 Skeletons, and a Goblin Sorcerer.

I don't get a single piece of gold in the entire crawl. Just some lousy nasty leathers off some of the grunt goblins and some armor off a dead dwarf that we found in a ruined chapel (the place used to be a dwarven outpost).

Instead I'm missing several fingers and an eye. My guys perception is high though, and he notices that the Cleric and Wizard have their backs bent with a lot more heavy stuff than they came in with.

Hell, the only thing that kept him from leaving the party was the kinder have him some powerful spell component gem she found.

As the Wizard tried to steal it away, he tells her to fuck off and mounts it in the handle of his great axe.

After all that shit my gf was still pissed at me for accepting the spell component from the Kinder. And started bitching that I took all the best stuff.

And that's how I learned I was dating THAT GIRL.

>>15731812
>>15731816

Open the pic bro and find the answer.

>>15731834
Come on, faster. Or did someone spilt their drink because it got stuck to the coaster resulting in an awkward grip by the drinker and in his feeble attempt to simultaneously drink and remove that offending object, he'd gone and buggered the whole thing all over your carpet?

>>15731834
We need to trade info so we can game together once more, or at least tell me about the coaster story.

>>15731834
Please continue.

Picture chosen at random

I was unfortunately THAT GUY The first time I played D@D This is the tale of the deadly 1's

>Group needed another person and asked I asked to join I was a played a paladin and reall didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

>We where trying to save this turn from a swarm of undead We had a big Ballista set up to mow down undead as they appear.

>I was tasked with guarding it and all was going as planned until I roll my first 1.

>DM says you swing your mace wildly let go and it is lodged in the ballista.

>I attempt to dislodge my mace roll a 1 DM says the ballista explodes breaking my leg and destroying the only weapon we have to stop the swarm of undead.

>Things aren't looking good and as a crippled party finishs off the undead 3 death knights appear. DM asks for perception checks I roll a 1 You see Demogorgon and am scared shitless can'd do anything for 3 turns.

>Death knights are dealt with and we're not at all in good shape. the Necromancer controlling the undead appears lauches a fireball and reduces me to exactly 1 hit point.

> Realizing I'm screwed I say fuck it and attempt to crawl outtah town DM really didn't want this to be a TPK decided that our barbarian a powergamer can live until the necromancer is dealt with He's at -180 at the end of the session.

>DM goes after the necromancer dies his staff balls to the ground shatters there is a big magical explosion your body is totally incinerated and can never be resurrected.

>>15731859
As I stated there in my post.
>Where are the coasters?
In the picture there are none.
But there are marks after the glasses

But it didn't matter. Ron flipped his outright yelled at us to get out. Any attempt to speak was barreled over with 'LEAVE. NOW.' No explanations. No apologies from us about peaking. It was done. Dave isn't the kind of guy to get spoken over, but even he wasn't going to stand up to the kind of rage pouring off of Ron.

We grabbed our things and never returned. I've passed by the place a couple of times since that night, but nothing's changed. Nothing, except that Ron's car is no longer there, not even on Friday nights. His ad on the bulletin board was, at some point, taken down. Though I don't know if it was him or the management there that did it. The light's no longer on. Maybe Ron dissipated and returned to DM heaven.

Anyway, that's that story.

>>15731881

>Metal Gear Solid 3

It'll put hair on her chest.

>>15731894
>Never returned
>Passed by

So, yeah, before that ends up somehow derailing things, I never actually got out of my vehicle. If you considering driving by and glancing out your window, then okay, I returned.

>>15731887

That really sounds more like "That DM" to me. Seriously, yanking on something lodged in the wooden structure of a ballista causes it to explode? Incinerated with no resurrection? You're better off not going back to that horseshit.

Also, punctuation. For the love of god please use it.

>>15731894

That's a sad story.

Actually, it reminds me of that Japanese story about the crane wife.

All right, I'll tell the story of the Viking Funeral,and then I'm out for the night.

There was another fellow in our group, older. Let's call him... Larry.

Larry was in his 40s as well, and had a teenage son. Larry seemed like a really normal guy, albeit a nurse, but he played YGO and Magic with the best of us. When I manged to get the group into EDH, he immediately called Uril on the spot as his General, and we all agreed, not knowing how strong [or how linear] the deck could be. He thrashed us pretty good for a while, until I looked through my collection. The two biggest tools I found were Hinder and Hallowed Burial. Up until then, I'd only ever killed his Uril [usually with wrath or combat tricks] to slow him down a bit, and it would hurt him, but Uril would come back swinging. But the first time I ever resolved a Hallowed Burial against him... oh god. He had some anger problems. Ninety percent of the time, great guy. But that one out of ten times, he was just a sullen, moody dick, at the drop of a hat. This was one of those times. He read the card like five times, and I said, kinda wincing because I knew what was coming, "Larry, you can't send Uril to the Command Zone, it has to go to the deck."

>>15731881

Anyways, I gotta get going. I have millions of coasters to clean.

In two hours though, if the thread is still kicking, I'll post some more. Either Dave's Slave or That Girl And Her Fairy.

They are both fetish related.

>>15731921
He took a deep, very long, very slow breath through his nose. He then started to pack up his deckboxes, his dice, and all that. When I said I was sorry, but I was obviously going to try and WIN, rather than just sit there and let him create a 20/20 indestructible trampling double-striking lifelinking Trollshrouded creature with protection from EVERYTHING. He then screamed, SCREAMED at me "You just can't stand letting ANYONE ELSE win, CAN YOU YOU LITTLE PRICK?" he took everything EXCEPT his deck, stormed off, and never came back. I held onto his deck for almost a year, since I had no way of contacting him. One year to the day after his ragequit of our group, I gutted the deck itself, and gave his Uril a viking funeral: I made it a little boat, and lit it on fire.

>>15731894
You killed the magic, man.

>>15731935
Dave's slave? Girl and her fairy? Oh my, these sound worse than me playing a gigantic wendigo with people bringing up the whole "half-dwarf half-White wolf" thing.
I still feel bad for playing such an easily fetish fueled character, I just wanted to play a beastass large monster.

>>15731911

I'm sorry my typing offends you I have Asperger's and can't type for shit I've tried and tried and tried but I always fail I've given up and quite frankly don't give a shit what none of you think about my bad typing.

>>15732032
I have Aspergers too. It is not an excuse.

>>15732042

Sir After 15 years of trying to type and write proper sentences correctly and failing miserably at it I flat out don't care anymore.

>>15732057

>reading That Guy thread.
>That Guy shows up in thread.
>winning insues

>>15732057
Even less of an excuse. If you have already given up, then there is no apologising about it, nor claiming it somehow justifies you. The fault is your own, not your condition's.

>>15731344
Why can't I have friends as cool as Ukraine guy?

>>15732118
Violence isn't cool. His response was justified and called-out for, but it doesn't make it any more cool than that.

I once joined an email group for some space opera freeform. I spent a week thinking up an alien race with psychological quirks and a novel take on some sci-fi cliches. I was expecting fun and space battles, and what I got was...

Jupiter sized space ships. Sun sized destroy class ships. Galaxy sized battle ships. A space laser that could destroy a universe every hour (I later found out that in the setting one universe was apparently not the entirety of reality, but 100,000,000 billion galaxies), and a GALAXY SIZED SPACE SHIP. Literally a super star destroyer as big as a galaxy, with absolutely no logistical, material, or gravitational problems from this. There were douchebag Mary Sues, Jedi self-inserts who were hits with the ladies, glasses wearing moe waifus, the works. There were, to be fair, a few people who tried.

But nothing compares to Planck Time Man. A character so extremely bad that even the worst of the mailing list thought it was retarded.

>>15732202
Planck Time Man was more a group than a single individual, but the single individual summed up the group. Because PTM was named after the guy who created him (only totally awesome and handsome and amazing) the phrase Planck Time Man now also serves to name that guy IRL.

The group were called The Progenitors, after the Homeworld race, but the Progenitors were actually a special secret subrace charged by God Himself to protect the laws of nature from.... well from nothing really. They never actually did the job that their backstory said they were meant to do. They didn't contain dimensional weapons or do any administration to keep the laws of physics working, and they constantly used their powers for selfish (often downright evil) motivations.

Progenitors were able to rewrite reality at will; the fundamental laws of physics could be changed at any time forever just by them thinking about it. They could alter time, space, biology, anything, and existed in multiple dimensions at once. Killing one wouldn't work because of many factors, but if a Progenitor allowed you to hurt them they could alter their body into ANYTHING OF ANY SHAPE OR SIZE and even retreat into a private pocket dimension where their true minds were kept, and were they could regrow another body instantly and insert it back into reality.

The big thing about Progenitors that everybody remembers besides their Infinity +1 reality rewriting skill and their lolnotreally mission from God is that they think in Planck Time. The player liked to remind everyone that he was a scientist. A serious scientist who knows science you peons wouldn't understand (actually a stoner who dropped out of a physics degree halfway through his first year). So, Planck Time is the smallest possible measurement of time, and these dudes thought in it. For them, every second was as long as the current age of the universe. Somehow this didn't drive them crazy.

>>15731093

This reminds me of why I'm not allowed to play clerics anymore. I rolled really low Int and decided I'd make my cleric a mixture of Lenny and the black guy from green mile. This included latching onto the party Ranger and always asking him for confirmation to my actions "Should i heal the fighter now? How about now? Now?" This worked out fine with the party, they didn't mind since it was a refreshing roleplaying twist for all of us. The problem came when the Ranger got knocked out, so my cleric devoid of the reassurances of the Ranger refused to heal people because he didn't think it would be the right thing.

>>15732126

The entire action movie genre would disagree with you.

>>15732248

To be fair, that would get a little annoying. Not *that* bad, but rather annoying. I mean, sure, you can RP a coward, but I still expect you to fight, not run away. Even if you're RP'ing a slightly retarded gent, it wears out the welcome *fast* if you're not healing us.

>>15732229
So those were the Progenitors. Ethereal, multidimensional beings of unlimited power. They thought, reacted, and moved in planck measurements. Planck Time Man the character was a super special version of the Progenitors. You see, he was also a Jedi.

I don't know why the player thought that made him any better, since Progenitors could already do everything Jedis do and more. Maybe the others didn't have mind reading abilities - maybe he wanted another IC reason to use OOC knowledge and meta to hell and back.

To quieten the cries of bullshit against this stupidity he had his Progenitors distribute a vial of Progenitor-killing liquid to every race in Existence. However, when one player actually tried to use it (via monomolecular paper soaked in it) he backpedalled, cried, and argued for NINE HOURS REAL TIME. I literally went to bed, woke up the next morning, and found them still going at it.

There was more bullshit than that. More about the Progenitors, especially obnoxious Planck Time Man, and even more about the retarded scale of the game, but I'm not too good at remembering some of those details. I do recall upsetting PTM by using his own technology against him.

FTL computers break quantum physics and make Max Planck cry. A Progenitor built PISTOL could one-shot entire realities. Progenitors were all selfish pricks who acted like fucking idiots and would do anything for a little fame, recognition, and payment. Using PTM's own retarded technology it wasn't too hard to build a machine able to lobotomise them.

This might be one factor in why they were quietly retired a few months after I joined.

>>15732126
From what I understand no violence was used, apart from harsh language.
And I actually played with few guys (in several different groups) that looked like THOSE GUYS at first, but when other players and/or GM told them that they were ruining the game for others they actually became better players. So don't be afraid to tell THAT GUY to cut that shit out - it might actually work.

>>15732285

AUGH.

WHAT.

IT'S LIKE THE CULTURE ON A BIGGER SCALE AND DONE ENTIRELY WRONG.

WHYYYYY.

IN TERMS OF MY GAMES, THERE WAS THE GUY WHO MADE A LEGEND OF THE EXPANSE ROGUE TRADER AND TRIED TO SAY HE HAD A BLACKSTONE FORTRESS, AND LATER CUT THAT DOWN TO AN ARK MECHANICUS (ADMITTEDLY, I WAS SOMEWHAT NEW TO DH/RT AT THE TIME SO I WAS DRAWN INTO THE DICKFUCKERY.)

HIS SHIP ALSO HAD AN ABOMINABLE INTELLIGENCE, HE WAS A LOGICIAN AND HAD THE PROTEUS PROTOCOL DONE ON HIM.

HE ABUSED FATE WHENEVER POSSIBLE, WHICH WAS INTERESTING. HE LEFT WHEN THE INQUISITION SHOT HIM THOUGH.

>>15732293
I kinda used to be that guy on my first game. Not so much that I was being selfish and trying to ruin the game for others, but I kept wanting to double check shit and checking the rules to see if the DM got things right. I didn't even realize I was doing it at the time.

The DM ended up giving me a familiar who could bite me (causing some kind of random effect) if I rolled poorly on a seemingly random request to roll a d20 (which happened a LOT the first time). The next session after that I complained that I was getting bit by my familiar all the time, and he told me the reasoning behind it, which was that I had to roll a d20 every time I bitched about the rules. I realized what a whiner I was and how I was kinda ruining it for the others, so I got my act together and became a better player.

I'm back for more! More That Guy stories!

>>15732561
MOAR FETISH SHIT

>>15732567
CHOOSE YOUR POISON

Dave's Slave or That Girl and Her Fairy?

>>15732582
Dave's Slave. That one sounds entertaining.

>>15732582
Hmmm... Let's go with the fairy. It's highly relevant to a bitchfest I'm starting.

>>15732582
Whatever, you're telling both in the end, aren't you?

The fairy one sounds more interesting, though.

So, I was running a game of 3.5, as usual. Dave's playing this time, along with a good friend of ours (one of the guy's that played in Ron's game) and a guy we knew from school who was going into the air force soon and wanted to try it out. I had mentioned that I usually like having 4 guys in a party but that 3 was just fine. Taking this to mean, 'Somebody oughta bring somebody along,' the air force recruit brought along his younger brother. And by younger I mean 14.

So, I figure, great. Fuck it all, here we go. I get things underway with a simple introduction, the party is resting at a wayfarer's inn near a crossroads. Everyone's familiar with each other and have been traveling together, happening to head along the same road, for a few days.

At the inn they overhear a man talking woefully about how his poor daughter was kidnapped by slavers, and that he and some of his friends had pursued them up into the mountains. They were of course no match for the thugs and barely got out alive.

The party opts to offer the man their assistance. Immediately, the younger brother says, 'What do WE get?' Dave likes kids, so he nods in agreement, pointing out that although his character doesn't EXPECT to be paid, he is curious to see what the man is offering.

>>15732639
The man has little that they would want. In fact, doesn't have much other than his property, his farm, and a small bit of savings that doesn't even amount to what any of the party members has on them. The kid, however, decides that he's going to push for the money, all of it, and whatever else he can get. I kindly reminded him that a chaotic good character would probably not be going this route, but he says 'Whatever, I'm neutral then, does he have any heirlooms or epics?' 'Epics?' 'Or rares.'

I'm guessing the kid played WoW. His brother just rolled his eyes and gave me a, 'Ignore this kid.' look. So I said, 'Nothing you'd want. Nothing magical or even comparable to what your character already has.' So the kid -finally- settles on a 'favor.' Of his choosing, that he gets to call on at the moment of his choosing, and the man gets zero choice in the matter. He rolls diplomacy and gets a 13, and for the sake of the game moving along the man agrees to it. After all, it's just a one-shot game so it's not like this kid will get to call on the man anyway.

So, we carry along, playing, drinking only slightly because we have this kid tagging along tonight. During the game he notices that people will from time to time will write on an index card and then pass it to me, I either nod, shake my head, or write and pass it back.

He goes to snatch one of the cards, and I explain to him they are for keeping the other players out of whatever it is the character is doing, or for questions they don't want the others to know they asked. Such as, 'My character tries to pickpocket Dave's character.' Or, 'Does Dave have a coinpurse anywhere I can see?'

Not always backstabbing things like that, but those are examples that are common. He thinks it's gay but whatever. We play on.

>>15732662

They finally get to the slavers, battle their way through some thugs, tangle with the half-orc barbarian slave that mindlessly serves the ringleader of the bunch (half the party was for trying to help the half-orc rather than kill it, but the kid pretty much insisted, because all orcs were, he reasoned, evil) and then dispatched the ringleader, a 4th level ranger. Nothing too terribly fancy. Aside from the slave they killed, the only other slave present is the daughter of the man.

Her wrists and ankles are shackled, and they are unable to find the key (which WAS there, but as it wasn't just discovered along with the other loot when the kid asked to loot the bodies, he pissed and groaned at any other attempts at searching.) After many sighs and eye-rolls the party decides, well, whatever, we don't want to risk hurting her by breaking the shackles with our weapons and nobody here picks locks so we'll go to town and have someone take care of it there.

They proceed to the town with Dave carrying the girl on his back, and go to the old man. The kid writes on a card and hands it to me, folded, as he says 'I'll talk to the man about the favor now.' I open the card, and on it is written

"I rape dave's slav."

I read it twice, before saying, "This is the favor you're going to ask for. This is what you want. Right here." He nods. I write, "The man refuses, he doesn't care that you rescued her, he will not pay you and have you rape his daughter." So he passes another card, "Then I threaten to kill him." I have him roll intimidate, telling him out loud to do so. The others went out to see about finding a locksmith, and as they were on hold, what was going on naturally began to raise suspicion. The kid rolls.

Nat 20.

Not mine, but I thought I'd share.
A friend of mine wants to run a fantasy game and begins inviting people. One of the people she invites is my boyfriend. He just DM'd a game that last about a year and a half, so he's excited to finally get to be a player again. He tells her that he has had ideas for a drow for some time, and wants to play one. She tells him that drow are rare in her world, and never leave the Underdark. He comes up with a plausible back story, and she concedes and okay's the idea. But not before saying "Okay, you can be a drow, but you're going to get raped." No one ever signed on to play that game.

>>15732764
>"I rape daves slav"

At this point, an asshole DM would make an actual Slavic woman appear from the cabin. Make her an old, lardass hag and just hand him over to her.

>>15732764
He knows, of course, that Nat 20 means instant success, and because I never put down any sort of 'Within reason' stipulation or 'except for if' type deal, I just sigh and say, 'He has no choice but to agree.' The kid's response? 'And I'll pay for a room with the life savings he gave me.'

I switch back to the others because I don't have the gall or interest in asking for rolls and checks to rape a shackled and tired girl, and don't want to know any of the details. When the others return, unable to find a locksmith because the Wayfarer's inn is one of very few buildings in the tiny little 'village' surrounding the crossroads, they are able to tell the man is disturbed, shaken, and very upset. I require no rolls.

Dave rolls a diplomacy check to find out why, and gets 16 though I wouldn't have required it anyway. I make a roll to see if the man will tell, because the intimidation was only really rolled to get him to allow the act. He gets an 11, high enough I decide, to beg the others for help. I don't bother to roleplay as a sobbing man, but simply say, 'He tells you that your friend is upstairs raping his daughter.' Dave immediately heads upstairs.

At once, the kid begins getting pissed off, because he thinks that his nat 20 in the intimidation roll and passing the cards back and forth means that he should get away with it and they shouldn't know what's up.

>>15732764
call me a bad GM, but in that situation I'd have gone with something along the lines of "you scare the man etc he runs out of the house calling for guards/help from anyone and that someone is trying to rape his daughter."

best case scenario the kid stops, better case scenario the party hears his cries for help and bursts into the house thinking it's more slavers.

but then it wouldn't be a story so I'll wait patiently for the next portion and cry to myself.

>>15732799
>At once, the kid begins getting pissed off, because he thinks that his nat 20 in the intimidation roll and passing the cards back and forth means that he should get away with it and they shouldn't know what's up.

ENTER THE VORE DRAGON!

>>15732799
>He knows, of course, that Nat 20 means instant success

You really should have specified that skill checks are exempt.

>>15732799
I explain, having to raise my voice and all but shout at the kid over his bitching that this is all well within fair play, and that he shouldn't have expected to commit an act like this and have the father NOT take a chance and rescuing her. Intimidate, I tell him, might get a man to step aside, but it doesn't guarantee that he's not going to try and get help. Not in the exact same roll, anyways. Not at my table. Not on my coasters.

So, Dave stomps upstairs, followed by the other party members. I ask the kid to roll listen. He does and gets 4. He says that he'd be done raping her by now anyway and that he should have had time to escape. I tell him he doesn't know they're coming upstairs, and doesn't know that he has anything to escape from. A man does not simply jump out a window and run the moment he finishes raping someone. But, I have him roll a d20 and tell him that we'll see if he's actually still in the act, or was, in fact, able to rape and finish within the short 20 minute span that they party left and returned. Factoring in the time he took to threaten the man, get the room, and so on.

8. Dave kicks the door in with the kid still going to town atop the woman. He's caught quite literally with his pants down.

"I'd call that prone." Dave says. And rolls. 19. Enough to crit with the new axe that he got from that Half-Orc. He rolls his damage. I don't remember the damage, but it was just shy of the kid's max hp. The kid laughs "That's not enough to kill me! I want to run away!" Dave just says, "We never healed after that fight." The kid was plenty dead.

He didn't cry. In fact, he was more of a stubborn, angry little prick the rest of the night. Rather than risk the kid doing something even dumber, like calling Dave a name or making an already tense situation worse with continued bullshit, his brother says "We really oughta get going."

And that's that.

>>15732829
Normally, very true. Because this was a one-shot game, and because my party knows I'm pretty relaxed as far as rules go, I let this one slide. Earlier in the night someone had made an attempted bluff to get the slaver's to bring out the girl, acting as though they were potential buyers. Even with the 20 they rolled, the skill check would've failed because of the dreadful 8 in Charisma. I don't recall what I said, but something to the effect of, 'Yeah, 20s will just be critical successes.'

>>15732864
Damn, what the hell's up with kids being that sort of douchebags? I never was like that and can't remember anyone else being, either.

Has this thread been archived? If not, it needs it.

>>15732897
... Fairy time.

14 year olds are perverted assholes who think that rape, sex, and sodomy is awesome. Welcome to 4chan.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/15730816/
Archived

So what about the fairy tale?

>>15732945
This is actually a shorter one. But basically I had been asked by a friend to run a game for another two friends of his, my friend's girlfriend. I decided I'd run it at the local game store, because I really didn't want the two strangers up in my house because both were guys that this friend had actively complained about previously.

We grabbed one of the numerous tables at the store and had a fairly good time. It was only about an hour and a half into the game when a girl I'd seen a couple of times at the store comes up and asks us what we're playing. I say dnd 3.5, my friend explains as much as he knows about the campaign so far, and she asks if she can join. Before I can say that we're already pretty good on members, my friend says 'Sure!'

Well, okay, whatever. I tell her that she needs a character, but she already has a sheet prepared in her book bag for a character that's a level under the party. I tell her she'd probably want to level her up really quick and then could join us, but she says, 'Well can I just have a bonus to make up for the level?' I brace myself for bullshit.

All she asks for, however, is a fairy. I didn't really know HOW to respond to that, so I just ask her to describe what she has in mind. What she describes is your typical, winged, sparkly tinkerbell sort of creature, an inc or so in size, and for the most part useless in combat, or just about anything else. I ask her if that's really what she wants in place of a level, and she says yes.

>>15733017

Here's where things get kind of...yeah. Basically, you have what's going on on the surface. An entirely normal game of DnD. Everyone gets along great and has fun.

Then there's what beneath the surface. A girl passing me notes every fifteen minutes or so, asking me where the fairy is and what it's doing. That's not that major of a deal, it's kind of annoying because I'm trying to run a game, not a disney movie about fairies. She wasn't wanting to play a disney movie either, though.

What happens after about the fifteenth note is practically right out of /d/. The party has stopped briefly to prepare themselves before entering a tunnel they know leads to a series of caves. She hands me a note that says, 'While everyone gets ready, I'll sneak behind the trees and do stuff to the fairy.'

>>15733024
I read it a couple of times before writing 'Like what?' Her response is, 'Sexual things.'

Without going into detail, I'll say that I more or less took no part in her little fairy-sidequest she played the entire length of the game, save for reading the frequent stream of index cards (she used a quarter of my stack) basically asking me what the fairy was doing. When I didn't offer much response as to what the fairy was doing inside her, she'd respond with, 'Is he like, _______? Is he doing _______?' To which I'd write back, 'Yes.'

She seemed pretty distracted and off in her own little world as we sat there and played, and asked me more than once if she should take penalties in combat due to having a fairy arousing her character.

I no longer run games at my local game store.

>>15733024
>She hands me a note that says, 'While everyone gets ready, I'll sneak behind the trees and do stuff to the fairy.'
I happened to be listening to "Vagina Mine" by Puscifer when I read this. Dirty images quickly sprung to mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdB40nPeWxo

>>15732864
NOT ON MY COASTERS YOU DON'T!

>>15732864
>Dave just says, "We never healed after that fight."
Hahaha!

We play DnD every once in a while and naturally we have our That Guy. Our that guy is a rules lawyer, whiny bitch, spotlight stealing, meta gaming, etc. etc.

We have been playing through this campaign for a couple months with That Guy as our GM. We made it to the BBEG's final stronghold and are about to assault him when we find the DMPC in the room with him, now this DMPC is someone That Guy has been bragging about the whole time pretty much non stop ever since his creation, frequently we have been told that he would kill all 5 of the party members if we were to ever fight him. Anyway, we enter the room and see the DMPC locked up in the back in all of his armor (apparently the BBEG didn't think it was worth it to take his armor off), the GM very firmly told us that we should rescue the GMPC from the cages in the back, so my rogue sneaks to the back and starts to unlock the cage while everyone else in the party is hacking away at the BBEG.

>>15733166
Now my bro in the group has done MASSIVE damage to this thing with his bow and the right combination of spells (Ranger). I unlock the cage and the GM decides that it is the GMPC's turn RIGHT NOW, cause you know fuck initiative but whatever i'll roll with it, He walks over to a pile of stuff conveniently located right next to the cage where his +Jesus Greatsword is located right on top just itching to fight some bad dudes. He picks up his sword and walks over to the dragon provoking no AoO's and attempts to smite the BBEG. Now those of you familiar with DnD will recognize that this is somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-4 actions, normally we like to let some things slide but that was too much, so my ranger bro tells him that he took too many actions that turn and the GM throws a fit about how his GMPC could do all this is one turn for this and that reason none of us were really paying attention. But we remained firm and in the end he didn't take his 4 actions, then it became the rest of my rogues turn again (GMPC interruption and still had basically a full turn left due to haste), I tumble up next to the BBEG and stab it for something like 40 damage. Dead. We killed the campaign's BBEG in 2 turns and while we are all celebrating our fucking awesome victory That Guy tells us, "yeah that was good Anon, but my GMPC could still totally kill all you guys". So much rage.

>>15733180
Sounds like bitchery because he couldn't have the killsteal.

... Sounds like LoL.

>>15733180
I'm going to pull this on my players, make a DMPC who they'll rescue and then when they fight the BBEG he'll run in first because he's so awesome etc.

and I'll have him ripped into little pieces.

Had a guy playing a ranger use his pet bat as a condom once to fuck another PC. The bat was still alive at the beginning of it.

He walked home in a blizzard after ragequitting once his character (and the four identical versions that showed up after him) kept having heart attacks and dying the second they were introduced.

>>15733890

Fascinating... Did the party ever uncover the cause of this most mysterious chain of inexplicable fatalities?

Perhaps the deaths were the malevolent machinations of a mage made manifest? Murder maybe?

>>15732362
Totally stealing this since I have a beginning player just like that in my group.

bump for more stories!

>>15733211
>sounds like LoL

You just reminded me of what's waiting for me when I get back to collegel.

I have a friend who is a Wow/Poke/LoL-addict who DM'd the single worst campaign most of us had ever played. It was the manifest of everything bad with railroading, immutable DMPC and overly complicated, "cinematic" story and everything else in between.

In our current campaign he is a player. He was a Bard leaning toward Dragon-disciple and made guitar noises and sang out the most obnoxious possible songs. It wasn't funny or interesting, just annoying as shit and he wouldn't stop. His character was knocked unconscious in-game and he still persisted to keep making sound effects and tried to do other things, but we 'Noed' him politely.

Then he decided to make a Warforged Sorceror with a ranged Life Drain, Incite Terror; he made Fiddlesticks the PC. He was a sentient scarecrow that freaked most of us out and cackled evilly and did nothing useful.

The very next week, before we started playing again, Fiddlesticks got nerfed in-game and said friend has never played him since, so made over the changes that were made that he abandoned the character even after buying him and a skin with actual money (~$15) and has since picked up and dropped many others in such a fashion.

Our solution to the current problem, our DM has theorized, is simple "a Halfling assassin with a magnifying glass" while we sail out on the sea. Will anyone notice? Likely not.

>A few years ago
>DMing a GURPS Pirate game
>Male Player takes Lecherous as a disadvantage
>I allow it because I know him and know he's a cool guy in RL.
>Every time I introduce a new female NPC I have to spend 5 minutes answering every question Player has about her appearance and then rejecting his in character sexual advances.
>Stop introducing female characters.

What's with this talk of coasters? Is there a joke I'm missing?

>>15737362

A few nights ago, OP made a thread about THAT GUY stories. He mentioned how one of the guys came in with a big bag of cheetos and had cheeto grime on his fingers and refused to use a coaster.

The thread derailed into trolls screaming rage about using coasters, people talking about how it's polite to use coasters, people indifferent about coasters, and trolls screaming about unwashed non-coaster swine.

There were no more stories in that thread.

Okay, so, there is a LOT of bullshit that goes on in the guy whose games I'm about to try and relate.

Thankfully, there's only been, like, three or four, and most of them don't last through the first session. These are my That DM files.

"First attempt at psionics"
My first attempt at psionics happened in one of these sessions. That DM had no idea what psionics did, but agreed. Didn't care, or listen, when I gave the explanation for why 3.5 psionics aren't broken(mainly that powers don't auto-scale with manifester level, and you can't spend more points on a power than you have manifester levels). We start in a bar, obviously, and a bar brawl breaks out. The other players are a guy trying to play a fighter like Dante from Devil May Cry, and a paladin who's playing for her first time since 2e. Initiative is rolled, which she doesn't know how to do, and I try to explain. It boils down to because the DM didn't even explain the basics of the game to her, she doesn't know what a modifier is. I start to explain, but am cut off as the DM just lets her keep it. Probably because she's a fan of his crap on ff.net. I attempt to explain again, and am told to shut up. Combat goes as expected, with her still not understanding how score modifiers work and getting to just add her entire strength score to her roll, in addition to her attack bonus. As I have only 4 hp, I cower under a table, and attempt to mind thrust one of the instigators. Who, despite being described as a muscley type, auto-succeeds at his Will save, despite me having an 18 Int.

Continued.

>>15737437
Is there any way to see the original tale of the coasters?

>>15737807
Tale of coasters? More like derailment of thread. It began and ended much like any /v/ thread. Started with a simple statement, devolved into a massive shitfest

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/15719907/

Here you go, one archived thread.

Incidentally, TheCoasterNazi, does the story end with him refusing the damn coaster or did it go on?

The thread sorta got derailed, despite attempts by some to provide other THAT GUYs.

>>15737615
Ugh, what a douchebag.

>>15737862

This is kinda hilarious.

>>15737615
Yeeeeees?

>>15737615
come on, finish the story!

bump

I'll just leave this here.... Oh, whoops!

rolled 6, 12, 13, 10 = 41

>>15731331
ive read this one