>>17334998


Three days later, I awoke to a great sound outside my small home. I walked out the front door and looked upon more camels than I had ever seen, all in a great pen with a note on the gate post. It read:

"To my good friend,

For all the money I could ever make selling camels, I would trade for your kindness again. For though Crazy Hassan has crazy prices, he knows the true value of things. I humbly offer these camels to you as thanks.

Hassan"

"And that my, young grand children is how I became the owner of the largest camel heard in all the desert. I have lived my life doing to others as I thought Hassan would like, treating others as a favored customer always. Never forget this man, I beg you, for he was a man like no other."

Merry Camelmas, OP.

"Your sword is buckled correctly, for once."

"Yes, Sharif."

"Tell me boy... did you ever hear of the battle of Moab Bridge?"

"No, Sharif."

"The Great Sultan Al-Rukar fought there, for the last time in this world. You are sure you have not heard of it?"

"No, Sharif."

"In truth, Al-Rukar was killed before the battle even begun. A stray arrow caught him in the heart, and he died that very moment on the back of his camel. Do you know much about camels, boy?"

"No, Sharif."

"Al-Rukar bought his camel from a fine merchant named Hassan..."

>>17335091

"...and even though his master was dead, the camel of Al-Rukar rode on. It led the charge upon the forces of the enemy, and everywhere a soldier faltered, or felt pressed by overwhelming odds, he had but to look behind him to see the glorious presence of his sultan, bolstering him. How could he fail now, beneath the gaze of Al-Rukar, the most mighty of kings?"

"..."

"When the opposing army finally broke, the corpse of Al-Rukar pursued them atop the back of his camel. Neither was ever seen again in this world. Are you nervous about the coming battle, Ali?"

"N-Yes, Sharif."

"Do not be. I too, purchased my camel from Crazy Hassan."

>>17335116
>"Do not be. I too, purchased my camel from Crazy Hassan."
I'm getting a mix of feelings similar to what I experienced at the end of pic related.

It was our good fortune to have found a native willing to talk to us, the rest had been quite difficult in the past days. I spoke through my interpreter, my only connection to the world of unexplained questions.

"What are those?" I asked, as I pointed to the statues on the hill, each eight foot tall man carved of wood, with a camel tied to each of their wastes.

The translator passed on the dialogue and returned to me the answer.

"They are the guardians of the island and have stood vigil for many years against the evils outside."

I was astounded, this would be the breakthrough of decades! I hurriedly asked, "And the camels, they are offerings?"

The translator again passed the question, but this time the older native woman seemed confused. The translator repeated and the old woman smiled and spoke. This time, the translator was confused, and she confirmed with the woman before speaking to me.

"She says, they are their property."

I was dumbstruck, "How do wooden men own camels?" I had spoke it more to myself, but my translator translated it anyway.

The old woman smiled,

"Crazy Hassan."

~~Static~~

-oooooooooood morning, wastelanders! You're listening to DDAM 1250, your damnation destination. If you've survived this long, you probably haven't.

We got some good news today, so turn the volume up and listen good! Word from the Wanderers is that Crazy Hassan, yes that one, is back in town, just off the Route 42 exit and, boy oh boy, does he have the stuff. Used camels at CRAAAAAAAAZY prices!

Take it from me folks, his are the best. I picked up two last time and they ain't died of radiation poisoning yet! I plan on getting two more this evening, so I'm sorry to say you'll have to make do with a loop feed for a while. No problems though, Crazy Hassan comes but once a year, as the old saying kinda goes!

So let's here a big Allah Akbar for Hassan and get a move on!

Oh, and Hassan? Keep classy, keep crazy.

~~Music Starts~~
Oh I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

~~static~~

This is the best thread.

The party had been wandering through the desert for days. Lured to the land of death and sun by the fortunes of Dead kings. They had found nothing.

Vashir the Elven scout had return to the group on the third day. He spoke of a city walled on all sides by stone. Every house furnished to taste with fine tapestry and fine china. No a man walked the streets of this ghost town. Only Camels.

Vashir had returned with the location of the town in hopes of returning to take spoils.

The city was never found.

Upon returning to the nearest trade post I asked around about this mysterious city, empty and waiting to have its finery plundered. Not a soul would speak to me.

Finally a meek old woman spoke. "That city is not yours for the taking" she chuckled grimly. "It is theirs"

"Whose? we saw no man in that desert!"

"Indeed no man, no man at all. The city belongs to the camels" she replied.

"Camels do not own, they are property. What madness do you speak of?"

She laughed and in a whisper lost to the sands "Not Madness per say. It is just his way... Hassan's way"

Many moons ago did I meet a man by the name of Hassan. Fellow travelers would call him crazy, but I did not.

I had stumbled upon a great desert, and my horse had long since fallen. I trekked for days, rationing my food and water.

One eve did I fall to my knees and stare up at the darkening sky, bereft of shelter and sustenance. I thought my life would give out. But then...

Before my very eyes danced a contraption of water in a clear holder. I saw this magical gift fly in front of me, slowly and with purpose.

My eyes widened, and I beheld a man just like you or me. But he was different. He was Hassan, and he had saved my life.

I ventured out of the desert with a supply of water and cured meat on a fine camel. All of this provided by the man known as Crazy Hassan.

To this day, I still wonder if he is out there helping lost travelers... A Merry Camelmas to you, my friends.

It had been days.

My compatriots at the club said it was sheer folly to cross the Saharah at this time of year, and I paid them no heed. My pride as an explorer wouldn't allow me to turn down such a challenge, to go through during the hottest summer.

The natives who were guiding me had already passed, poor bastards. Akhim was a good chap, but they were all malnourished. Had Akhim not been an arab he might have made a fine living in upper london...

But they had passed.

And I was not too far gone. I stumbled through the desert on my weakest day in no particular direction. It didn't truly matter, but I chose to walk West. I always preferred it when the sun was in the west, and it would have been an end I had more of a hand in, to die further in my chosen direction. That's what I told myself anyways.

By the time that noon came I had collapsed, and stayed in a sort of... dreamlike state. You know the kin of daze a chap gets when he's too tired? Indeed, but this was far more intense.

Until suddenly... a shadow covered me, the sweetest shade I'll ever know...

I looked up and saw what looked to be a Tuareg walking towards me with the largest herd of camels I had ever seen.

"Hello my friend! It seems you are in a bit of trouble out here!"

The accent wasn't Tuareg at all, I couldn't quite place it...

I replied that I was indeed in trouble, and he gave me a full waterskin, a rucksack of food, and a camel.

I had long since shed my wallet and valuables, even my pocketwatch, and I insisted he tell me where I could send a reward.

He looked at me and smiled.

"No my friend, Crazy Hassad needs no compensation for bringing you a great deal when you need it. Your reward to me is that you keep on living, and enjoy this fine camel."

I'm going to put Crazy Hassan into one of my games now.
Thanks, /tg/, for a great Camelmas and a great idea. I may even base the adventure around him, at least in part.

>>17335248
>Hassad
I I forgive you, for in the local dialect such is how it would be.

A long rattle of autogun fire sounded as the Acolytes sprinted away. At the front was Marakh, the lithe assassin doing as he always did and running the fastest when trouble arrived. Close behind were Ganth and Stig, the scum and guardsman respectively. Coran, their tech-priest, lay dead in the street far behind them.

Shouts of rage came from all sides as the frenzied gang members and cultists drew ever nearer. Occasionally, as they rounded corners, they caught a glimpse of the front runners.

Their sprint seemed to be coming to a close as they came through a market. High buildings pinned them in on all sides but for where they entered, and a single alley gave them an exit. From the far end, near this alley, they heard a loud shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers!"

>>17335280

In the midst of the chase, the shout was a surreal enough occurrence to stop their sprint. There was a rotund man wearing a round cap and a turban about it, his long beard touching his belt despite the smile that attempted to lift it up.

"Yes, welcome new customers! Crazy Hassan has just what you need! Camels, only slightly used! Taken to Emperor's chapel only! Better quality than new, Crazy Hassan swears it!"

Ganth laughed quietly and approached as other men rounded the corners. "How about...four thrones for three camels?" As he pulled out the coins, he eyed the long legged beasts indigenous to the world. A single hump on their back was fitted with a comfortable looking saddle, reigns already fitted to their mouths. Behind him, Stig and Marakh readied their weapons, the front runners coming into view in the market.

"Four...FOUR THRONES?" The smile on Hassan's face grew even wider and he ducked into his small stand, returning with a dozen water skins, all full. "You have graced Hassan with your business, friends! Take these with his blessing!"

They quickly mounted and rode off. As they exited the city, Ganth saw Hassan stand in the middle of the causeway before the slavering horde and heard him shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am Crazy Hassan, and I have a better than new camel for each and every one of you!"

So we were wanderin' through what was left of...I guess it used to be either California or Nevada. Enough Doomsayers around that it could have been either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we were out on the dry flats. Not quite desert, but...dry. And fucking awful in all regards.

Our truck broke down for what must have been the third time, and this time the gas tank dropped off. We didn't have enough spook juice left to get...well, anywhere, but we thought there might be a group to come along. We had enough food and water that we figured we could wait it out.

God damn, we were wrong.

Even down to tight rations, we were going through the water too fast. Anyway...the witch with us was just a -little- too hopped up on whateverthefuck it was she kept in that skull, and she started yelling about seeing someone out in the sands.

We looked, but there was nobody. She just kept saying, "The camels! There are fucking camels out there!"

>>17335339

We ignored it, but she just kept yelling about seeing it!

Eventually, I stuck my head out and looked around. Sure enough, where she was pointing, there was a huge white tent and a few dozen camels.

Now, at this point, we were all more than just a little bit unnerved. Firstly, this tent just came out of nowhere. Secondly, there were camels around it. CAMELS. We hadn't seen so much as a horned toad in a month, and here were a bunch of fucking CAMELS. I won't even go into the fact that they couldn't have been native to the area.

Collectively, we decided to go check it out. The witch is still babbling about the camels (the sun must have gotten to her) and now the Doomsayer riding with us is going a little nuts. I asked why, and he said that these things were completely free of radiation. COMPLETELY. That threw another dozen red flags up in front of me, but I didn't care. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

We get within a dozen strides of the tent and this tiny little guy comes blasting out, dressed like fuckin' Lawrence of Arabia. Before we can so much as twitch, he's smiling and shouting at us.

Crazy Hassan is gonna be a CG demigod with a small, nomadic following in the next campaign I run.

His divine doctrine: Everyone is a valued customer!

>>17335354

We went into the tent and were taken aback.

Lo and behold, there were camels. Peacefully hanging around, I could swear that some of them could look at us.

He led us to the back, where we we saw five camels in a pen of their own. One for each of us.

"SPECIAL CAMELS!" Crazy Hassan said, "PERFECT FOR CITY TRAVEL! KEEPS YOU COMPANY! MORE USED THAN MOST OF MY CAMELS, BUT THAT ONLY GIVES YOU AN EVEN BETTER PRICE!"

Thomas reached up to pet one (I'm sure it was just a reflex, considering that none of us has touched an animal in quite a while) and gasped.

He was indeed able to touch it. The other camels proved to be touchable as well. I personally could not stop petting the thing once I reached out for the one near me.

"We have deal, yes?" asked Crazy Hassan, his voice now more muted in tone. He knew we were sold.

Betty paid him with Stygian coins, which to our surprise he took in his hand as if they were made in the Skinlands. Even the faint groaning from the coins came to a stop once they reached Crazy Hassan's hands.

We rode out soon after. It's going to be hard to explain to the Necropolis, but I haven't felt this happy in a long while.

>>17335388

"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am the one and only Craaaaaaaazy Hassan! My madness is your savings, as you will see on many of these fine slightlyusedbutinconditionsbetterthannew camels!"

He stood there smiling at us, but we must have looked like someone just hung naked pictures of our mothers in front of us. My only guess on that is that he came closer, still smiling. "Friends, friends, there is no need to look dismayed! Even if you have little to barter with, Crazy Hassan will have a deal for you!"

In something like a daze, we followed him around all of his camels as he rattled off information. "This is Al-Aziz! Yes, a good strong camel, only owned by a very tiny sikh. Never had much burden, but a strong will!" I couldn't tell. It was a goddamn camel.

"This one is Alibabba! I call him this because he is smart, but also crafty! Leave him tied loosely, and he will surely end up in your tent to share your space. Such a kidder he is!" He patted the camel's nose as he walked past. The thing just kept on chewing its cud.

Before Crazy Hassan could regale us about another camel (apparently born from a royal camel, or something), I cut him off.

"Listen, buddy, we just need four camels and some water. Can you set us up with that?"

The look on his face was one that still wakes me out of deep sleep to this day.

>>17335410

He was smiling so wide that I thought his face was gonna tear in half. Hell, the witch was cringing and I'm pretty sure she's spent time talking to demons.

Anyway...He gets all bouncy and laughs before pointing a finger at me. I flinched like he had drawn cold iron. "Friend...That is Hassan's deal of the week! You are lucky, friend, oh yesyesyes." He pulls the reigns from a few of the camels, including Alibabba and Al-Aziz, and shoves them into my hands. A minute later, he walks around with three -more- camels, all loaded down with kegs of water and some other stowage.

"See? Crazy Hassan always treats his valued customers with respect and gives them the best deals that he can, because YOU are Hassan's valued customers! Be sure to come back to Hassan for your future needs!"

The doomsayer opened his mouth to say something about trade, but Hassan waved a hand at him. "Bah, faddle, nonesense. You are friends to Hassan! These are gifts to friends, yes! You tell others of Hassan, and Hassan will call it even! Now travel well, esteemed and valued friendcustomers!" With that, the guy darted back into the tent. In the bags, there must have been five hundred rounds of mixed ammo and enough armor to replace what had gotten damaged on us. On top of that, we had enough water to reach the next city with plenty to spare.

I won't say much, but I know I've told everyone looking for a mount to look for a guy named Hassan. As crazy as he was...I'd hate to get on his wrong side by sending folks elsewhere.

Forgive me, but does Crazy Hassan only sell Slightly Better Than Used Camels?

>>17335477
No, he sells slightly-better-than-new used camels.

>>17335477
Crazy Hassan only sells Barely Used Camels better than New, not Slightly Better Than Used Camels. There is a subtle difference.

guys, I have a question.

say, somewhere near the beginning of the campaign, I have crazy hassan meet the players in a wilderness area and practically force a camel on them with a great deal. Say I later have the players find out crazy hassan is a literal deity who bestows his blessing on valued customers.

If I use this camel as a semi-DMPC/plot device to get them out of any situation that requires divine intervention via serendipity, will it be good DMing?

>>17335566
>Crazy Hassan
>Concrete details

Pick one. Crazy Hassan is a legend; the PCs should remain ignorant of him when they first meet him, but then hear various hints about him wherever they go and the wondrous properties his camels are supposed to exhibit.

The camels should be normal camels in every respect, aside from the fact that they are Awakened (sans ability to speak) and have slightly increased stats (like a Dire/Celestial template, except neutral instead of being one extreme or the other). Hassan himself should be a wandering cleric/prophet who hears the voice of a deity after he saved the life of a camel in the desert.

>>17335566

I doubt situations that requires divine intervention via serendipity would occur very often in your campaign, but if you only used the camel to save your players during those moments, I don't see a problem.

>>17335566

I'd say, if it's the dice's fault, go for it.

If it's the player's fault, do it once, at most. You don't want to reward them for their mistakes, but I've seen some stupidly good rolls from one of my DMs.

>Dark Heresy (and RT, and DW)
>The cultist fires his autopistol
>1, he hits with all his shots
>All 10s

>>17335648
>turns out the camel spat on his autopistol rounds earlier

>>17335635
He is a prophet and hand of the camel god.

There was a bandit group, who used herds of camels strapped with explosives to cause massive terror in one of the towns isolated in the deep desert.

The town was built around the only well for miles, so the camels would be drawn to the water. Every time a man came too close to a camel to remove the explosive powder or guide the camel away, the bandits would fire a flaming arrow into the powder, killing the camel and however was foolish enough to be so close.

Hassan, traveling through on his way to the northern markets of a country far away, saw this madness.

No one is certain how one man dealt with so many in one night, but the bandits were found the next day, their bodies arranged to depict a huge camel in the sand. For all the dead camels he could scavenge, he buried them around the dead bandits, and marked their place with a small obelisk of pure marble, with only the word "Peace" written on them. All the other camels that had survived, he led into the desert. I have heard since that he found them loving homes and included the explosive powder with them as a free option.

The graves seemed more randomly placed, until Hakim yelled from the top of his house the next day. The stones, when properly connected by lines in the sand, formed words I will never forget:

"Crazy Hassan Here,

Good Camel Prices"

>>17335635
Hassan was doomed.

He knew it. There was denying his fate no, as the midday sun beat relentlessly on him, burning his exposed flesh ever deeper. He lied sprawled on the shifting sand, his legs and arms to weary to continue. He could neither walk or crawl or even cry for help as the desert slowly started to devour him.

He had been mad, he sobbed, to have tried to cross the Sea of the Torturous Sands this time of year, but he had been given no choice. The camel had to get through, they were needed there to help the people, to build a new future by rebuilding the destruction the war had brought.

The camels. Allah most gracious, the camel! They were surely doomed, he mourned. He had led them to near exhaustion miles away from any water, not even they could survive out here he realized. Not only had he killed himself and failed his customers, but he had harmed his camel...

His lower body was covered by the shifting sand now, but he did not struggle, the desert had judged him unfit to live and would take him into its bosom, to be wracked with pain and thirst forever. He thought of all those he had let down, would they ever know the truth about him or how he died? He prayed they wouldn't, he prayed his god would forgive him, and he prayed his camel would make it...

He felt a tug on his ragged shirt. Slowly, Hassan turned his face to the side. Above him, looking expectantly was his lone remaining camel.

"Flee, my good camel! Away with you...there is not but death here! Leave me, for I have failed you!"

>>17335739
Yet the camel paid him no heed. With a rumbling grunt, the camel lowered it's head a bit down on Hassan's tunic again.

"No, let go!...flee..."

Slowly the camel started to drag him from the sand. Hassan emerged from his half grave, still begging and sobbing for the camel to let him die in his shame. Yet, the camel seemed not to hear or care for his command. With one ragged step after another, it began to walk backwards and drag Hassan along the dunes.

Hassan pleaded once more before his senses betrayed him and he lost consciousness to the heat...

A cold splash hit his face. Hassan blinkingly opened his eyes. Was he dead, had he arrived in paradise? A thousand questions raced through his mind when he saw his surroundings. He was in oasis, one that was familiar to him no less adn only a short walk from his destination. He looked at the pool of crystal clear water beside him and began to drink rapidly. Content with his fill he looked up and saw him.

His camel, lying motionless but for a few rattling breaths, watched him from behind. He hurried over to it's side and fell to his knees at his head. Still weak, he flopped forward onto the body of the great animal. He wrapped his arms as tightly as his strength allowed and weeped bitter tears, he knew he was tooo late.

"I'm...sorry..."

The camel slowly turned it's head to him. It's deep dark eyes said everything Hassan would ever have to know. With a last gasp, the camel died in his arms.

"I will never do such evil again..."

A few days later, his strength returned and the camel buried in a non-descript grave, a man left the oasis. He had come called Hassan, a beaten and broken man on the edge of life. He would leave, not as a man, but something more.

He was Crazy Hassan and the world would hear of his great deals.

bump for Crazy Hassan

So is there a Chapter with Crazy Hassan's geneseed?

>>17336460
No, but....

Abbadon cackled insanely as he watched the Imperial Guard lines start to buckle under his assault. The waves upon waves of gibbering spawn, supported by his own chaos space marines was now unstoppable. The hidden Demolisher tanks had been dealt with already, he feared them no more. This was going to be his day.

He redoubled his laughter, the guardsmen were starting to break. The bolt pistols of Commissars sang out along the entire line trying to keep the rabble in place. All it would need was one more push, one last assault. Abaddon began to run for the front, he would finish this personally, he had beaten Creed's plan and now he would torture the fool. This was going to be glorious slaughter in the name of dark go--

The thundering rage of stampede ten thousand feet strong roared over the din of battle. Abaddon looked confused toward his flank.

Tallarn rough riders! Thousands of them descending from the hill crest, literally trampling over his flank! The spawn seemed confused, the were hesitant to charge, his army was falling apart around him. It must of taken some kind of tactical gen--

"CCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-"

Wait. His mind cleared. He had personally watched the Tallarn horses slaughtered and feasted upon not three days ago, there was no way the cavalry could of replaced such losses in so short a time!

He looked closer a the riders in the distance. To his astonishment, they weren't riding horses at all, but a strange creature that resembeled--

"Camels?" Abbadon asked to no on in particular.

Then the truth dawned on him,

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY HAAASSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Real /tg/ related story:

When we aren't enough players to play our friday game, we play a game called "Dungeon Town" where everything is random. Race and class determined by dice rolls, rolled stats and all that.

And I roll a Sorcerer. I ask my DM if I can take the Familiar option where you instead get an animal companion as a Druid of half your level and he OK's it.

First I get a wolf and since we're all level 1, it tanks for me and eventually dies. Next session, I have roll a Riding Dog - BEST ANIMAL ON THE LIST WOO! and then it dies, because it tanks for us.

Then I roll a badger. Elegan/t G/entlemen, you have never seen as fierce a creature as the 3.5 D&D MM badger - but it has only 6 hit points and dies.

And then, I roll a camel.

You know what camels have? No attacks worth mentioning at all. Their Bite is +0/1d4+2, and they have only the one bite. Their Armor Class is atrocious but you know what they have?

Camels have 14 Con and 3 hit dice. They roll around with 3d8+6 hit points and they're LARGE creatures.

And forever more, I stood behind the Camel "Smokes" and threw out my Magic Missiles from a Wand we'd rolled as random treasure after one encounter.

Eventually, Smokes was eaten by a Grick, but he lasted far longer than any of my other companions.

bump

O' Valued Customers, whose stories of Slightly Used but Better than New Camels ring in Hassan's ears like the songs of Allah's own blessed angels, If you you would but Archive this thread, you shall have my undying gratitude and my most affectionate camel!

>>17337174
This thread should be archived Inshallah

>>17339082

It is Allah's will!

Salaam, /tg/.

Glorious. This guy needs to be in dungeons the dragoning.

This thread is great. Crazy, even.

this thread is like some weird form of reverse trolling, wherein somebody posts something so ridiculous(ly awesome) that nobody who sees it can go without reading it, without adding their .02.

this is why i love /tg/. merry camelmas, everybody

More people need to read about Hassan. Ergo, to the top!

t was our good fortune to have found a native willing to talk to us, the rest had been quite difficult in the past days. I spoke through my interpreter, my only connection to the world of unexplained questions.

"What are those?" I asked, as I pointed to the statues on the hill, each eight foot tall man carved of wood, with a camel tied to each of their wastes.

The translator passed on the dialogue and returned to me the answer.

"They are the guardians of the island and have stood vigil for many years against the evils outside."

I was astounded, this would be the breakthrough of decades! I hurriedly asked, "And the camels, they are offerings?"

The translator again passed the question, but this time the older native woman seemed confused. The translator repeated and the old woman smiled and spoke. This time, the translator was confused, and she confirmed with the woman before speaking to me.

"She says, they are their property."

I was dumbstruck, "How do wooden men own camels?" I had spoke it more to myself, but my translator translated it anyway.

The old woman smiled,

"Crazy Hassan."

I remember the first Crazy Hassan post. that was a fine, FINE thread. I believe it was archived.

>>17343852
I WAS the original Crazy Hassan post.

You have no idea how goddamn happy /tg/ made me.